The Fear of “Fitting” In

         I don’t necessarily mean “fitting in” where people like you, don’t like you or you are popular or not etc.  I’m awesome,…of COURSE people like me AND I’m popular .  I don’t even need to remind you all to laugh here, you already are! Really though, this entry is about “fitting” into things like rides at amusement parks, airplane seats, tight quarters where there are lots of people stuffed together such as elevators.  I have had this long living fear that I will go to either sit somewhere, get on a ride, try to squeeze in a spot and not be able to fit….that or worse, get STUCK!  I remember a few years back I was at one of my heaviest weights and I was at Six Flags Great Adventure with some friends.  Everyone wanted to go on the Runaway Train.  The entire day I spent not only sweating in the heat of summer but also dreading getting to the front of each line to see the size of the seats on each roller coaster.  I have always been a roller coaster junkie………..so for me this was very hard…..I’ve even had times when I would lie and say I wasn’t feeling well etc, just to avoid getting up to the ride and realizing I would have to squeeze my fat butt into a spot and be embarrassed and uncomfortable the whole ride.  Ok see I’ve gotten off “track” already, as I was talking about the Runaway Train ride………..I know I’m hilarious, right?  Ok so the train ride….waited in line forever…. Got to the front of the line and Chief and I tried to wedge ourselves together into the same car next to each other.  What the fuck were we thinking? It was impossible!  The attendant made me get up and move back a spot to sit with this skinny ass teenage boy.  How freaking embarrassing!  Right in front of our friends too!    Just this past summer alone we were in Wildwood and hubster and I decided we wanted to do the roller coaster that goes forwards then backwards……. We got in next to each other and it was the absolute most uncomfortable thing ever.  I think I spent the entire ride in pain because my hips were digging into the lap bar.  And let’s not forget about the bar that goes over your head….the attendant went to push it down and couldn’t push it down far enough so he had to leave it on a looser setting, and the entire time I was panicking that I was going to fall out of the rollercoaster seat in the upside down loop de loops and die a splattery, fat mess!  I’m actually still here, so for all of you who panicked for me when just reading that last line or two…no worries peeps,…here I am!!!!  The saddest part of all of this is the things I have been missing out on with my 4 year old Igor.  All the fairs and amusement parks we have been to and I’ve been to big to even want to try to go on the rides he begs me to go on with him. It has been very depressing to say the least since I will never ever get these years back with him.

 So in walked Isagenix into my life and is changing it for the better and forever. Not just for me but for Chief too.  We were living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle before.  Always tired, lazy, ate crappy food, etc.   Twenty-two pounds in 23 days later…this fat butt is getting smaller every day! ..By summer time this gal is getting on those little race car ride thingy’s with Igor and I’m gonna tear ass around the track with him, finally able to enjoy his childhood with him and no longer sitting on the side lines eating a cheeseburger !   I feel like a gagillion bucks………that’s right…that’s waaaaaaaaay better than a million people!  I’m building my team of rock stars joining in the crusade to becoming healthy and each of them are gonna rock it just like Chief and I are.  They may not be hilariously funny like me but none the less they are killin it!!!!  So today’s moral……….today is your day to change your life…not tomorrow..no more excuses.  As one of my Isa-buddies posted on her wall the other day….something along the lines of “it’s time to write your own story.  Stop giving someone else the pen!”  Before I was living to eat…now I’m eating to live…and feeling better than I ever have in my entire life.  For once I feel like I’m in control of my own story!!!!!!

THE GREAT SPORTS BRA SNAFU...AND THE SWAMP ASS TRAGEDY

        I am one of those people who laugh when they see someone fall.  Sure, once I get my laugh out I will rush over to help them...but none the less I cannot, absolutely cannot help myself from laughing first.  Call me an asshole if you want, you know you do it to!  Except if you witness me fall or even trip...you better not be laughing...except if it's with me, because I laugh even when I fall....sometimes I trip over flat surfaces...that's just how good I really am.  It's not always a plant on your ass fall on your face kind of deal.....more of a trip...turn my walk into a little jog and pretend I meant to do that type of deal.  If you have ever seen Ellen's comedy show you all know exactly what I'm talking about.  Where you trip...turn your walk into a quick jog and look back pretending you tripped on something.  Totally happens to me all the time....and of course always in public.  However...this post is not about tripping.  This post is about bleeding nipples (that would make a cool name for a band!)  and swamp ass.  Yep!  You read that right.
       Let's all now discuss the importance of a good fitting sports bra.  I have never been well endowed so to speak.  I think even at my heaviest I was only ever a C cup.  The twins are no longer firm and perky like they were in my hay-day before children.  Now they are more like saggy balloons filled with sand.  All you ladies out there, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  The problem is, not only are they no longer firm, from all the fluctuating of weight from failed diets, and breastfeeding etc, these bitches have stretch marks on em too!  (Good thing I keep the lights off when Chief and I are going down to funky town).  However he loves me so much he doesn't even care.  It's me with the issues on the twins.  Okay so back to the sports bra issue.  Ladies, (and any gents that have man boobs and may be seeking advice on support for them during a workout)  PLEASE PLEASE make sure you get a sports bra that "fits" correctly.  Also, don't buy a cheap one. Here is my reasoning.  I had gone to Walmart and bought a cheap ass sports bra...at the time not really thinking much on quality of it since I don't have much to support, so I went for the cheapy $8.00 one and because I was being cheap, I got it in a size to big.  Big fucking mistake on my part.... I put it on...all felt okay so I went to the gym (this was not any time recently, this was  during one of my yo-yo diets)  anyway, first day not to bad....I could tell that the bra was a tad big, and I was a bit sore after my venture on the treadmill but nothing terrible....day two.....it was a little worse, but it was either I wore this shitty sports bra or I went booby commando.........In my own house this is acceptable....in a gym where there are fabulous looking men and women who sweat dew drops?  No thanks! And I was too cheap and lazy to go back to the store to get another better fitting, better quality one.  So the third day in a row at the gym I was killing myself on the treadmill........and as I'm jogging, my boobs started to really hurt.... remember my story prior to this one about the thigh chafage?  Well this shit can happen to tits too!  Let's combine small tits, too big of a cheap ass sports bra, some sweat and lots of jiggly movement.  What do we get?  We get sore ass bloody nipples!  You guessed it friends, I couldn't take the pain anymore so I hopped off the treadmill and went to the locker room.  Got into the bathroom stall, lifted my shirt and my girls were bleeding!  Do you see what happens when this chic tries to work out and do something good for herself?  So yea... the next few days I had to wear baggy t-shirts and slather neosporin on my upper lady bits til that shit healed.
        I know I said this blog was also about swamp ass... and here I am not failing to fill you in on all my trials and tribulations on all my past experiences with weight loss and exercise escapades.  When I finally felt ok enough and my nips were healed up nicely and my ass stopped being so cheap and bought a decent maidenform sports bra, I headed back to the gym.  This time I headed there in dark gray yoga pants...........and got on the treadmill.  Now....you know when you sweat in the summer time....especially if it's so ungodly hot...you have been sitting forever and you get up and you just know you have crack sweat....well here I am feeling proud of myself that I got my ass back to the gym, yet that very same ass I was just so proud of was now producing sweat!  Now I remember why I always wore black pants to the fucking gym.  I am feeling the sweat dripping down my crack ...Please oh please don't let it be showing through is all I kept thinking.......... I allowed myself 5 more minutes on the treadmill as to make make it seem obvious that something was wrong before I hopped off and waltzed my ass back to the locker room again. Holy shit it looked like my butt peed my pants!  So now all I'm thinking is I have to walk BACK out of this damn place with no sweatshirt to wrap around my waist or anything.  I guess if I were a size 4 at the time I maybe wouldn't care that my butt was sweating because hell you're a size 4 and look good, who cares if your butt pees..............but I was about 260 lbs and soooo terribly embarrassed.  I quickly made my way out of the gym into my car.  It wasn't long after that that Chief bought me my own treadmill.  Moral of today's story my faithful readers : Bleeding nipples is not just a good name for a rock band it can really happen if you aren't careful with your tits and sports bra selections............and our butts REALLY CAN pee!

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…….

        Okay, I am not referring to myself as a horse………a cow sometimes in the past…maybe even a whale, but not a horse.  (Remember folks, this was my old mind set!).  My new mindset is I’m a bad-ass treadmill Goddess!  (Insert belly laugh here).  What am I saying?  You are already laughing without my even having to tell you to! Okay, so back to leading a horse to water.  I have never….and when I say never I mean never, ever ever, liked water. My water came in the form of iced tea or coffee with Sweet and Low or Splenda or Equal, or diet soda, or even chocolate milk.  (Yes I’m aware…..milk is milk not water….now hush up and keep reading!)  I hated water unless I was so famished and there was nothing else to drink.  Diet Dr. Pepper was my “go to” drink for meals…if that wasn’t available it was any other diet soda…… that or iced tea with about 3 packet’s of Splenda (calorie free right? This can’t hurt me!)  I used to use artificial sweeteners ALL the time, I mean all the time, even when I would bake…. as if it wasn’t harmful to me.  I know now how wrong I am.  After starting Isagenix and no longer craving the sugar or needing that diet soda I decided to do some research……….here are some of the “ingredients” in artificial sweeteners: Erythritol,  Hydrogenated starch,  hydrolysate, Isomalt, Lactitol, Maltitol, Mannitol ..Just among a few… half of them I can hardly pronounce (would love to see those smart ass kids in those national spelling bee’s spell some of that shit and still win!)

        So really, what the fuck have I been ingesting and poisoning my body with ALL these years!  Oh my god…..it’s true how they say ignorance is bliss.  Ignorance and denial, really.  In the back of my head I always knew it wasn’t great for me, but I was desperate to cut calories whenever possible, so I didn’t care enough about myself to stop using it.   I can gladly say as of today, day 20 on Isagenix…the only beverage I have consumed has been water……I even add some essential oils to it to liven it up a bit.  I use the Young Living ones…in the citrus flavors.  Orange is my favorite, followed by grapefruit oil.  Three drops and my water is now my new best friend.  I can’t even imagine drinking all that other crap again.  Not only for the fact of all the chemicals I was ingesting but because the Isagenix has turned a switch on in my brain that causes me to not even want the sugary tastes anymore.  Awesome, awesome feeling!  I know I  drink more than my 6-8 recommended glasses a day of purified water…I usually have about 2-3 every 2 hours from 6 am to 8 pm…..and I’ve never felt better.  No guilt,…no poisoning my body with chemicals, no wondering if I will grow a third arm or leg in the future…or worse, a fourth nipple…..wait……. isn’t three the standard?  Oh………….er………..well anyway… this is just another new “habit” I have taken on since starting the Isagenix and I will never go back!  So here’s my PSA to all my faithful readers………….DRINK YOUR WATER PEEPS!  Bottoms Up!!!!

Self Admitted Scale Whore

        

        I hate to weigh myself.  Ok, actually let me rephrase that…I hate to weigh myself when I know I’m eating like shit and I can feel the pounds creeping on…when I just know  I’m gaining weight.  Then the minute I start losing weight look the fuck out my ass is on that scale every day....I strip on down in the morning, use the bathroom and hop on the scale (not necessarily in that order) I don't generally sit on the toilet naked...........too much skin exposed and the bathroom light really doesn't do my olive tone JUSTICE.  Anyway, there have been days when my ass was on that scale 2-3 times maybe even more.  I remember many-a-times in my past when I would down laxatives and make my way to the scale over and over and over throughout the day to see if it changed...even if it was .2 lbs...shit people it's a decimal point of a fucking pound and in my brain THAT is what mattered...it was still a loss for me.  Victory.  Victory that came at a price.  Not only was I doing some major, major damage to my insides with laxatives or even when I would vomit up what I ate, but psychologically the amount of damage I was putting on myself was unbearable.  In my head I knew what I was doing was completely wrong, but when you are at your lowest of lows, it didn't matter....the only thing that mattered was the number on the scale.  
         I am trying very hard to work on this.  I got the other parts under control.  No more bulimic episodes, no more starving myself, no more laxatives, etc.   I still have that devil that sits on my shoulder that says "you're fat", "you're not worth it", and a plethora of other awful things.  Most days I'm able to flick her off my shoulder and stomp her away........other days the pain of my (even recent) past and eating habits haunt me.  I know this is a journey...not a quick fix.  Every day I'm learning more about my strength and the right way to do things.  Every day I try to look in that mirror and say one nice thing about myself.  This is not an easy task when for a good part of 34 years I've been telling myself the opposite.  People who see me on the outside would never guess my inner struggles...my extreme self consciousness or how I've let my terrible views of myself run my life.  Ever since I can remember people perceive me as this super happy girl, always smiling, or comment on how I can command a room with my presence (in a good way of course).  However I have always been the first person to also make fun of myself or make a fat joke about myself....the reason for this is because if I did it first, I beat everyone else to it.  (The saddest part about it is they were probably never going to make any fat jokes at all, but in my head I had to beat them to it!)
        People see me and see a big bright smile...when most of the time I would be crying inside.  Trying to escape the feeling like I was never good enough.  I'm learning every single day how to love myself.  The beauty of the Isagenix is that it helps so much with that.  Before I started on the lifestyle change I would always be tired and dragging my ass through each day.....kinda like I was just "existing" each moment.  This caused a lot of depression.  With all of this new found energy I'm like a new person.  Mentally and quite quickly, physically as well.  The physical part will get there.  I know it takes time.  I know there are no real quick fixes......and that was always my mistake in the past.  I wanted instant results, and if I didn't get them I would punish myself for it.  Not anymore.  I found a life changing product that I know works,...I know it makes me feel amazing and I'm seeing results all at the same time.  I'm working every day on not getting on the scale.  Lately it's a lower number each time.  19.4 lbs in 19 days..........but who's counting right?? 

Cute Shoes! Fat Feet...............

        Let me start this entry off by telling you all how much I love shoes.  I love me some shoes....I love boots, I love espadrilles, I love sandals, I love slip on's, I love flip flops, I love wedges.....the list goes on.  My entire life I've been plagued with wide width feet...poor Igor has been passed down that wonderful gene from me.  Igor is my son's "stage" name for the blog to protect his identity from my recent found fame from this blog. (Pay attention people! We've been through this many times!)  Good thing he's a boy and who cares if boys have wide feet.  Anyway....I have always had to buy the "wide width" shoes....... Normally this means I shop at Payless for my shoes...which don't get me wrong, they have some cute things.... If you are a size 6, 7, 8, even a  9...when you are a 10 sometimes an 11 (thank you for that Igor, as my feet grew when you were in utero) the shoes become SLIM pickin's.  Like really slim... to the point where I usually can't even take advantage of the fucking BOGO deals they run like once a month.  I mean who doesn't want to get one pair of shoes, then  another for equal or lesser value at half the damn price?  This chick does....yet I rarely get to partake in those events because the selection is so small.
       I have cursed my feet for as long as I can remember. ( I can thank my dad for them, even though his feet are not big, they are wide...my mom has those cute size 7's, as well as my sisters...they can wear any shoes they want!......bitches).  Come summer time when all the girls are wearing cute sandals and wedges...I'm stuck in flip flops....Like literally all summer.....  I often refer to them as Fred Flintstone feet...you know what I'm talking about...short fat toes...yep...Try going into a department store or even the wide width section of DSW.........pfffffffffffffft I think their wide width is either a lie OR my feet are really just that fat!  Here's a little diddy of a story from this past December...I was brave enough to buy a black knee length wrap dress for my annual work Christmas party....if you know me, the only times I've worn any kind of dresses in the last 15 years were my wedding and my sister-in-laws wedding...oh and another wedding I attended about 2 years ago when I lost like 30 lbs....(of course I gained that shit right back plus another 20) ..so my ass was REALLY throwing caution into the wind to brave getting one for this event. What does a gal need to go with a nice dress?  Some kick ass foot apparel.  My first trip was to Payless, as usual.......now, if I wanted ugly ass faux suede with gray squirrel looking hair hanging out the top and some ugly ass pom-poms hanging from them...well then THAT was the store to spend my money......however I didn't want to look like an Eskimo, I wanted to look nice.  Next trip....DSW........ my friends are all "they have wide width there".......I was gonna give it a shot one more time..maybe they'd changed their "sizing"....from their version of wide width to Tracey's version of wide width.
         I wanted desperately to find me a pair of cute zip up black boots, you know those really nice knee high ones....(no, not the slutty thigh high ones, Jesus, what kind of girl do you think I am!).  I must have tried on 20 fucking pairs of boots, half of them my fat ass feet wouldn't even begin to squeeze in......the other half if I did manage to get my foot in, my calves are so damn wide I couldn't zip them more that 1/3 the way up!  Frustrated wasn't even the word to describe how I was feeling.  Sweaty would be a  good one....do you know how hard it is to balance on one foot while trying to pry off a boot that has become stuck because you tried desperately to wedge your foot in it praying "it may fit, if I just shove a bit harder".  That my faithful readers is about the time when I started to sweat.  So now I'm sweating, ( why the fuck did I wear a sweater in December when it's 30 degrees out???? I should have been pro-active and worn a tank top, knowing I was going in for such a challenge) Okay so back to me sweating...I'm sweating....and my foot is stuck in a boot.... the zipper is stuck on a thread and NOT budging.........So I'm sweating, my foot is sweating and starting to get the circulation cut off....and I'm standing in the back of the store trying to hide behind the clearance shoe racks so no one sees me making a fool of myself. Every time a customer walked back and was near me...I would stop acting like I was struggling and pretend I was modeling my foot in those floor mirrors they have. (mind you, the entire calf part that zips up except 1/3 of it is hanging down....I'm sure I fooled no one who happened to see me).   FINALLY the zipper releases (breaks)....tomato, toMAto, after an hour (no not really an hour..it was probably a little less than 5 minutes....but it seemed like an eternity) and my fat ass foot was free!  So not only did I break a pair of boots and shove them back in the box and exit my ass right out of that store, I never found a pair of wide width black knee high boots at DSW.  I left the store and sat in my car crying because I was so upset and frustrated that I'd let myself get this heavy that I couldn't even find a pair of freaking boots that fit.  I finally broke down and ordered them online.  The ones that came were not too bad..I still struggled a bit to zip them over my calves...had to stretch the shit out of them to get them to fit.  This was back in December.  Today I tried them on.... I was actually able to zip those puppies up without a problem.  There was even some room for my finger! 16 days down 16.5 lbs gone....13.25 inches...gone.... loving the Isagenix.
       Moral of the story.......... having fat, wide feet sucks.....And DSW may or may not have signs up with my picture on it saying "DO NOT let this woman back in this store"  I'm not sure...........................

Cupid's Arrow Got Stuck in a Fat Roll ( An Homage to the Hallmark Holiday)

        Well, another Valentine’s Day has come and gone….. Chief and I have never really been ones to make a big Hoorah about the day. We show each other how much we adore one another on a daily basis….here are some examples…”shut the fuck up, LOVER”, “I LOVE the shit out of you”, “For the LOVE of God, what just crawled up your ass and died and came back to life and is lingering in this freaking room for five minutes????”……See? So many ways we can throw that word around.
This Valentine’s Day wasn’t much different than any in the past. Usually I get a card, maybe some flowers…I’m just not big on the day… It’s not important to me to have one day to dote on someone with flowers that are going to wilt anyway, or shitty heart boxed candy where you have to stick your finger in each one so you don’t get the nasty ass piece that tastes like chocolate covered maple nougat. Who the fuck invented that flavor? I coulda had your job years ago buddy…People don’t like that flavor……..they are always the ones left in the box with a fingernail mark dug in the bottom of them, or maybe even a bite taken out but they put it back down after they realized what it was. We did get our son Igor ( this is what I will refer to him from now on to protect his identity from all the fans I will soon have from this awesome blog blowing up and going viral………….. no?) a coloring kit, but no candy. They managed to jack his ass up full of sugar at school, so I said no way was I adding to THAT shit storm when he got home.
        Now normally on Valentine’s Day I would have gone to the drug store to get MYSELF a box of candy and eat that shit in my car secretly. And yes…I’d poke my finger in each piece too. Who doesn’t right? This V-day my ass was planning on speeding through that store on a mission……to plow passed all the candy that would normally tempt me, trying as hard as I could to resist the urge to buy a box to eat before going to Igor’s school party, right to the aisle where the kids stuff was. Holy shit….. I managed to meander through all the empty calorie boxes of crap and chocolate covered maple nougat without even thinking twice about being tempted by what normally would hold me prisoner. Hallelujah let’s all sing out and rejoice to the heavens above “I do not want sweets, no no no…..take your candy and go, go, go”…..Repeat 3 times in sing song!!!!!!!! ( I was standing up with my arms way up in the air singing this aloud, right before I sat back down to type it) You all should totally get up and try it……it’s super liberating. Even if you can’t sing. My new life consists of not only having NO temptations anymore for the bad stuff but it also consists of hopping on the treadmill and getting a work out on a day when most of you are sitting at your desk digging through a box of candy poking holes in the bottoms to make sure it isn’t that nasty ass maple nougat. I told Chief, here’s what you are getting for Valentine’s Day….a thinner wife!
        Anyway so my point here and the moral of my little doo-wop is……Numero uno…Isagenix rocks and I can’t believe how it has freed me from my addiction to sugar and shit……..number two…. Valentine’s day is stupid, show and tell the ones you love EVERY DAY how much they mean to you……. And number three I can’t carry a tune if it was packed up in a in a bag, handed to me with and glued to my hands! Happy Hallmark day to all and to all a good night!

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!

        About 7 years ago, I signed up with my entire family for a March of Dimes walk because my nephew Jack was born prematurely. I’d lay down my life for that boy if the time came so the least I could do was help raise some money to support the cause. It was an 8 mile walk……it’s WALKING, “how bad can it be right?” This is pretty much what went through my head over and over. I got my walking sneakers on, my shirt with our team’s logo on it…….and my husband’s wind pants. Yep, I was big enough at the time to fit in his pants….they were really nice with the mesh lining and the oh-so-lovely sound of the “whoosh” as you took each step. Music to my ears! I was getting out, supporting a cause and getting some much needed exercise in the meantime. I was feeling GOOD!
I’m going to say it was at about mile three when it started…..the stinging…the rubbing…..oh dear God…no, please no…I still have 5 more miles to go…………….you guessed it folks……. CHAFAGE! What the fuck kind of pants were these???? This mesh lining, which felt so good when I first put the pants on, were now my arch enemy. Sure, sure my big thighs played a role in this too, but the pants…holy hell the pants! I wanted to rip them off and toss them in the street and do the rest of the walk in my grandma panties. It was terrible…. The more I walked the more I would sweat…the more I sweat, the more my things would rub these god awful wind pants. My thighs were on fire….and not in a good way ( you know when people make comments about someone that is doing awesome they say “she’s on fire!”…..ohhhhhh no….my thighs were literally burning as if someone had a lit match to them)
        I had no choice; I had to finish the walk. I am NOT a quitter…….ok, let me rephrase this…….I am not a quitter except when it comes to sports that involve big balls being chucked at my head, yoga when I passed gas in downward dog pose in college, and hide and seek when I always was the first one found because I sucked at good hiding spots. Besides this…I am not a quitter. I walked the other 5 miles wincing in pain, trying to talk to my husband to avoid thinking about it. But I did it.
When I got home…… I ripped those sons- a-bitches off and threw them at Chief and said “how the hell do you even wear these!” Pretty sure he never had the chafing issue with these pants as he wore them all the time. I got into the shower and peered down and holy momma mia…..I hadn’t seen that much swelling since the last time we drove through the Six Flags safari and pointed at the red baboon’s asses! I was in pain………I mean extreme pain. After I got out of the shower I remember throwing on another pair of granny panties and laying spread eagle on the bed and waving a magazine to fan off my nether regions. I popped some Tylenol (probably way more than necessary) and laid there in pain until I fell asleep.
        The next morning the swelling had gone down a bit and I needed to go to work. I put on yoga pants and headed to the special needs school I worked at. The more I walked as the day went on the more it was searing in pain. At one point I went to the nurses office to get Neosporin and as I pulled down my pants to apply the ointment my chaffed inner thighs were now BLEEDING! Heavens to Betsy what the fuck?! I had to ever so gently apply the ointment and then squat walk back to my classroom to tell them I had to go home. I couldn’t bear the pain any longer I could hardly even walk at this point. So I squat walked to my car (do you know what squat walking is? Here’s an explanation….. stand up….that’s right…get up out of your chair, but don’t stop reading this….keep reading…but get up while you are reading…. Now place your feet about 2-3 feet apart, bend your legs slightly….now walk)…….Yep! THIS is squat walking..and I had to do it all the way out to my car. I called my husband in tears….I said “YOU NEED TO BRING ME HOME DIAPER RASH CREAM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!” I laid in bed again, spread eagle for about 2 hours til he got done work and brought me Desitin. Yes ladies,….Chief is such a wonderful, wonderful man that he applied that cream to my swollen, jacked up inner thighs ever so gently (because if he didn’t his face was in range where I could knee him). So anyway….moral of the story here is…………. Number one,…chafing sucks ass……..number two, I have the best husband in the world who would do anything for me, including rubbing ointment on my gross inner thigh mess, and number three, next time I do any walk for any charity, my ass is going to wear me some Spanx under my pants!

Desperately Seeking Little Debbie

        I have this memory……….it’s as clear to me as if it was yesterday. I was about four years old and we were living in North Jersey at the time. I remember my mom had a friend over visiting…..and in our front hallway/foyer, there was a table….on that table there sat a candy bowl. Now I don’t recall if there was always candy in it or if mom just put the candy out because she had guests….this memory will forever be ingrained in my brain from that age. 
        My Mom and her friend were talking in the kitchen…I remember going into her and asking if I could have a Hershey kiss from the bowl. I remember it being filled to the top with the shiny silver foil and the little paper tassels that draped off of them. I remember starting off by grabbing probably about 2 and making my way to the den…….as quick as I could I ripped the wrappers off and shoved them in my mouth. Then I stuffed the papers into the couch cushions. I wanted more. I snuck back to the hallway…I remember waiting to hear the sound of voices…checking to see if my mom and her friend were still in the kitchen. I knew well enough at that age that I shouldn’t be going back for more but I didn’t care. It’s like my brain knew what was right but those damn 4 year old feet kept walking towards that freaking candy bowl! I grabbed probably 5-6 more. I scurried back to the den, unwrapped them as quietly and quickly as I could and shoved them in my mouth, then jammed the wrappers into the couch again. It was like a high for me. Over and over I repeated this ritual…….tip toe to the hallway….listen for the voices in the kitchen…grab more Hershey kisses, then scurry back to behind the couch……. Yes I know you’re thinking what four year old experiences a high over food. This one did! I went so many times I emptied the bowl……..funny part is I cannot remember for the life of me if my mom found out and scolded me or not…the only part of this moment in time I remember was stealing these delicious chocolate little heaven sent kisses and devouring them. It was an early addiction that has stayed with me the rest of my life. An addiction to sweet things. An embarrassing addiction. 
       This addiction followed me through grade school. I would sneak into the pantry and take Little Debbie’s (those damn preservative filled brownies were my favorite) and sneak them up to my bedroom and down them as fast as I could and hide the wrappers in my backpack until I was able to get rid of the evidence at school the next day. In high school I would still do things like this…except now I would purge afterwards….I would buy snacks and eat them in my car and hide the wrappers and go home and sneak upstairs before my mommom could hear me and lock myself in the bathroom….full of tears and regret. I would eat dinner with the family but afterwards I would throw up what I ate. I always had to be careful when I did this because my older sister was always one step ahead of me. She never officially “caught” me purging I don’t think, but she always had a sense that I was. (This is probably why she is such a good mom with 3 young boys of her own…..eyes on all sides of her head I’m convinced). I remember she would follow me up to the bathroom after dinner and sit and listen at the door so I couldn’t throw up what I just ate…..at the time I hated her and I felt she was just being a nuisance…. I know now she did it because she loved me. If I wasn’t gorging on a box of ho-ho’s I was going a day or more in a row without eating anything or vomiting up what little food I would allow myself to have. The cycle just repeated itself over and over..pretty much the entire four years I was in high school.
Normally I make my entries amusing….I try to get a laugh out of you all as I go through things about myself and my life….. this entry really is hard to make funny because the subject matter is so deep. There’s nothing funny about vomiting up your food because you were dying to be thin to fit in. There’s nothing humorous about going out and buying boxes of donuts and eating them all at one time and then looking at yourself in the mirror in disgust telling yourself “I hate you”. There’s absolutely nothing funny about it. NOTHING….. I’m letting everyone in to a private place that I have never really shared with but a few. Is it embarrassing? Of course it is…..is it necessary to talk about? ABSOLUTELY. If I am not going to be honest about where I’ve come from, how can I expect anyone to want to know where I’m headed? I know I’m not alone out there in this. I know there are plenty of women who go through what I’ve gone through. What I still struggle with daily, regarding my body image. Society glorifies skinny and makes you feel like shit if you are overweight. True, I don’t want to be overweight anymore… but I don’t want to be a waif either. I want to be healthy….I want to be strong. I want to teach my son the right and wrong behaviors with food…and nutrition. I don’t want to ever go back to what I used to do. The beauty of the new lifestyle I’ve chosen with the Isagenix is that I don’t have to. Those cravings for all that once held me captive are gone. I finally feel FREE!http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sia+breathe+me&oq=sia&gs_l=youtube-reduced.1.1.35i39j0l3.529839.530160.0.531840.3.3.0.0.0.0.105.268.2j1.3.0...0.0...1ac.1.1-5c6TMhVPE

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Pounds

         You know those pictures you take with your friends where you all stand there in a group and someone passes around the cameras or phones to get the best shot? Yea well, in those shot’s, as well as any shots of me really here’s my dialogue before the flash has a chance to pop……….”make sure it’s from the chest up!” -This has been my "photo MO" for as long as I can remember. Anything below that is off limits when people take pictures of me………if I see you took a picture of me and posted it somewhere and it’s a full body shot you either take it down or I un-friend you. Okay I’m not THAT big of a bitch…but seriously there will be severe negotiations of our friendship, if that picture remains up for people to see. I hate my body…..and I mean HATE it. I’m always trying to hide parts of it away from the rest of the world…and myself..sometimes I’ll spend weeks wearing nothing but my husband’s baggy T-shirts and a pair of my sweats because there’s nothing attractive about how I look. (This is another reason I love my work from home job so much.)
        From the neck up I don’t think I’m so bad. I’ve been complimented on my smile and my eyes many of times and even been told it can light up a room when I walk in……… You never hear that about a fat ASS, right? You sure don’t! I’m always the one in pictures who puts my son in front of me on my lap so you can’t see the rolls on my stomach….or leans over someone’s shoulder because I only want people to see what’s above the shoulders. I will shop for clothes as LITTLE as possible because going into a dressing room and having to look at myself not just one time, but THREE times all at once in those god awful mirrors and that terrible lighting???? NO THANK YOU! Three way mirrors are the devil! Most times when I DO go shopping I end up grabbing something off the rack, just buying a size I think may fit and not even bothering to try it on…if I get home and it doesn’t fit…well then it sits in my closet with the tags on it. Total waste of money…I have things I’ve even bought because I was ‘so sure’ it would fit and loved so much, I tore the tags off, tried it on and then sat on my bed and cried when I couldn’t pull it down over my back. One time I even got stuck in a shirt in a dressing room. It was one of those shirts that “appeared” stretchy on the hanger where it cinched in with elastic right under the bust and then flowed out (female readers know what I’m talking about here…heck even some men may…I won’t judge you on your wardrobe fellas). I got it on with only a bit of a struggle…..took one look, hated that it showed off my upper arms and started to take it off… This is where the problems began to arise. It included lots of sweating and some cursing. Getting it off was like watching a bad episode of WWE but with no opponent but a blue shirt with purple paisley’s. How freaking embarrassing, and I was ALONE! (On a side note, if I’m being honest here, which I am, all episodes of WWE are bad. Again for offending anyone who is a wrestling fan? Too bad, get over it…You clearly have never struggled to get out of a shirt in a dressing room where you could catch glimpses of yourself in three mirrors not just one. This is probably because you are of the male gender)
God bless Chief who has been on many a shopping trips with me and would hold the clothes as I rummaged through the racks to find something, anything that MAY look ok on me. He would stand there quietly, no judgment except to say “that would look nice on you”, which really is probably just his way of being nice, because that’s all he’s ever been when it’s come to how I look, but I usually never agreed with him. Not just because his sense of “style” is great, heck he’s jeans and a t-shirt kind of guy, but more because I don’t feel comfortable in anything I wear. It’s almost like an out of body experience for me. In my head I have this vision of how something will look on me when I see it on the hanger and in my head I look nice….then I put it on and my vision of what I had was totally off. I always feel like a sausage stuffed into one of those Chinese handcuffs.
         Anyway my point here is, I’m on my way to never looking this way again or struggling with my body image. To finally love shopping and getting dressed up????. BRING IT ON! The Isagenix has not only helped me begin to lose weight, but will continue to help shed these unwanted pounds so I can step out of this fat suit finally and for good. So looking forward to when I finally go on that LONG awaited shopping spree I have promised myself when I hit my goal and actually enjoy myself. Get your tool kit ready Chief because I may just ask you to hang three way mirror’s all OVER the house!

The Acme Flashdance Moment

       Totally wanted to do my own version of Flash Dance at Acme last night. I could see myself running down the aisles belting out the tune as I passed up all the junk food. There was some chain pulling and people splashing water on me as I shimmied and shook my way to the checkout. She's a maniac maniac on the floooooooor....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NjbGr2nk2c

Dimples.....and NOT the Cute Kind

         We all know those …… some of us are blessed not to have them………..and then there are the oh so lucky ones who have it………..that’s right people……….cellulite! I’ve even seen some skinny bitches (remember from my first entry, this is a term of endearment) with cellulite. I myself never had a real problem with it as I was growing up until probably my late 20’s. Even when I was on the heavier side that craps didn’t appear until I was pregnant with my first child. After that well things just went downhill from there (and I’m not just talking about my boobs) One day I remember turning around in the mirror and being like What the french toast is this on my ASS!? Low and behold I was visited by the cellulite fairy………almost what seemed like overnight. (that or I was too heavy at the time and it was a struggle to turn that far to see my butt, I’m not sure) Since then that bitch hasn’t left my side…she just kept adding to that dimpling. What HAPPENED to that beautiful skin I had when I was like 6 months old! I swear if I ever get my hands on her I’m tearing her little fairy wings off! Anyway….I know so many women out there feel my pain even some men I’m sure of it………… it’s right up there with the pain we all feel from the notorious back fat. Let’s talk about that now. What the…………..? Whose evil plan to add extra boobs on my back was that??? The workings of some man I’m almost positive of it! Two in the front isn’t enough….let’s add some more…. No not really, because back fat boobs are NOT attractive………. There is absolutely nothing attractive about it. So again these imperfections that I will stand in the mirror and literally stare at over and over make me crazy. Another little luxurious add on to the list of imperfections is one of my absolute favorites (please sense the complete sarcasm in that sentence) is the stretch marks……….ah yes…stretch marks………sure, the ones on my stomach are my warrior marks for carrying two children……WHAT THE HELL about the ones on my thighs and upper arms? Certainly NOT decorations, that’s for sure….but alas all these imperfections sit…. Kinda like unwanted back hair on men right? (if I’ve offended any sasquatches out there, get over it….no really, my sincerest apologies..Some of you may be very comfortable in your fur sweaters).

         So my back fat boobs, my cellulite dimples and even those stretch marks are gonna be sent on a permanent vacation because of Isagenix…… I am already seeing the difference…..7 days and nearly 12 lbs down….whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??? How is this even possible without starving myself?? Well it totally is….and the amazing part is I’m never starving….never even a slight stomach grumble to signal that I’m hungry….. It amazes me every day when I get on the scale… I take a double take. Not only are the pounds dropping off the energy that Chief and I have is beyond compare. Literally from the minute we wake up to the moment we go to bed there is never a moment we feel run down or tired and all without stimulants or caffeine…. And we sleep like babies at night. Chief even stopped snoring! What what????!!!!! YES!!!!
Well kids, off to stare at myself backwards in the full length mirror and connect the dots on my “not so” dimpled rear end! Until tomorrow, gotta go….. Chief’s waiting for me with the magic marker.

Naked in the Hallway

              Ok, you know those dreams you have when you walk into your high school and EVERYONE is staring at you? You can’t quite figure out why, but all eyes are on you….piercing through to your inner core. You can feel your face get hot and you start to sweat. You finally look down and realize you went to school with no clothes on. My name is Tracey, and THIS is my life………well at least in my head it is. I am heavy….I’ve struggled my whole life with my weight and an awful body image. This is the way I feel when I walk into a room. That everyone’s eyes are on me….judging me…silently shaking their heads at me and the weight that has accumulated over my body. Now, maybe NO ONE is even thinking anything like this…but when you are overweight this (at least in my own head) is how you believe people are looking at you. Growing up, til about middle school I was never really “fat” per say but had some chunk and always felt self concious even then. When I got to high school it got so much worse…I wasn’t even overweight but my mindset told me I was, and I began not eating or throwing up what I DID eat so I wouldn’t gain weight. In high school I thought I was fat…………my sophomore year I weighed 115 lbs. No one that weighs 115 lbs is fat unless you are a toddler on Maury, but in my own head I was, because my whole life this is how I felt…so I found myself trying to keep up with the skinny, beautiful girls all around me and I didn’t care how I did it. I never felt like I was enough. Of course, looking back at pictures then I want to smack my 17 year old self and say “are you serious girl? you look phenomenal!!!! Now shut up and eat a burger!”

              I got into a 3 1/2 year long relationship with a guy from the end of my Senior year of highschool to my Junior year of college. I got comfortable, I gained the freshman 15 in college plus about another 10….after that it seemed the weight just kept coming on. What made it ok at the time is he never really seemed to care what I looked like. He liked me for me… I don’t think I’ve ever known that feeling myself…to just be at peace with myself. It’s always been a constant inner battle of putting myself down, judging myself, ripping myself apart. Enough is enough….I’m tired of the yo-yo diets…tired of downing the diet pills that make your heart race and feel nauseous….tired of skipping meals or getting rid of whole food groups to try to lose the weight. Each and every time I’ve lost weight, even when it was a substantial amount, it always came back with a vengence and brought about 15 – 20 lbs of it’s friends back with it. Well I’m done! Done with not liking Tracey, done done done!

               So here’s the part of the blog where you’re all like…………….well what are ya gonna do differently this time to change it? Here’s my answer………..Isagenix. I truly believe this is a gift from above… …or at least from some really smart people who formulated it. Either way I don’t care where it came from but I know it works and I know WHY it works. this isn’t a line…or a ploy to sell the product (however the stuff sells itself!) My very best friend Jacqui, who has suffered from chronic back pain from nerve damage for 6 years, started using this product. It is life changing. I saw a beautiful woman go from laying in bed w/ heating pads, medication, therapy tools, you name it she tried it….nothing helped. She started using this product…….within a day she started to feel different. A few weeks into it my very best friend is no longer suffering. She’s living again….. she is the girl I knew years ago…always smiling, always there for you….always a ray of sunshine. I haven’t seen that glow in years from her. I see it now. This product wasn’t just made for weight loss. Actually I think initially that wasn’t even it’s goal but that’s part of what happens to the people who are overweight….. She didn’t need to lose weight…if anything the skinny bitch could gain some ( I love you Jacqui! and you are the furthest thing from a bitch) But anyone who looks good to me gets tagged “skinny bitch” because I want to LOOK like them! (it’s a term of endearment really…..) Anyway…she was talking to me about Isagenix and how it is a body cleanse….it cleanses your body out on a cellular level…..not a gut “I gotta take a poop really bad” cleanse……it gets rid of all that shit we’ve eaten over time…puts your body back where it’s meant to be…..full of nutrition and none of the crap we have filled it with for so long. I suffer from severe indigestion and have been on nexium every day…….3 days into Isagenix……..GONE!…. I suffer from GOD AWFUL irritable bowel syndrome…..3 days into Isagenix ……….GONE! I used to drink 4-5 cups of coffee a day……haven’t had one drop of caffeine since I started this journey. Your body craves and needs these nutrients……….now that I’m giving it what it needs and not what it doesn’t, I’ve already dropped 6.5 lbs in 3 days………….this is without even getting on the treadmill (which I definitely plan on adding into the mix but I wanted to see if Jacqui was right when she told me people were dropping weight without doing any excercise) This is NOT a diet..it’s a change in the way you live……..all for the better….better body, better clearer mind, better skin, better hair…. A BETTER YOU! Who doesn’t want that??

               Anyway…welcome to my page…. I want to finally be that person who inspires someone else to get up off that couch and do something about their weight. I did finally get on the treadmill for first time today since starting the plan and easily walked fast for an hour with all the energy in the world. I cannot say enough about this product. However this blog just isn’t about the product…………it’s about me finding that girl that’s trapped inside of me. You know, the one who wants to come out and give the bigger version of me a huge hug and say “ya know what? YOU GOT THIS!!!!” So any inspirational thoughts or messages you want to throw my way will be greatly appreciated. I am not setting up huge goals for myself like I have in the past, as I always failed when I put a number up there…… my goal is to be able to run around with my 4 year old son without getting out of breath, or walking up a flight or two of stairs without my knees hurting. I want to live….I want to love myself. I want to walk into a room and finally feel like people just might be looking at me for my smile not my weight…… I don’t want to get to the point where my next doctor’s appointment they say to me “you’ve got diabetes or you are on the verge of heart issues” etc……..I don’t want that for me, I don’t want that for my family. High blood pressure runs in my family…altho I’ve made it this far with really no issue, that can come on at any time. I have been setting myself up for failure in the past. I’m setting myself up now for a future of health and happiness….and it’s about damn time!!!!!

I invite you to follow me along on my journey. I promise to make it inspiring and funny all at the same time. I’m good like that!

Trouble in the Jean Pool

         Yes I spelled this correctly. Don’t scoff at me! My “jean” pool is different than your “gene” pool. My jean pool consists of about 25 pairs of jeans………….23 pairs of which I do not fit into. I actually counted them this evening. That’s right…….23 extra pairs…… I could clothe a small village (it would end up being a topless village but none-the-less; let’s just praise my thoughtful generosity here, shall we?). What makes me hold on to those 23 pairs of jeans? Some I’ve never even been able to put on. Some were handed down to me from friends of mine who lost weight. Some I bought and wore maybe 1 or 2 times before the waist gave me a muffin top. (speaking of muffins, I used to love them..now I can’t even imagine eating one……so crazy!) Other’s I bought as a promise to myself that one day I would reach the goal and be able to wear them. They are size 8’s. I haven’t seen a size 8 since probably my freshmen year of college back in 1997. Hell my shoe size is even a size 10. My point here is it’s time to clean the body and clean my closet. However I do not plan on giving away any of these jeans…at least not yet. Holding onto all these jeans reminds me of all my past failures at weight loss………This time there won’t be failure. I even have one pair that is bedazzled and has laced embroidery (if you wear lacey bedazzled jeans and I have offended you, too bad. Consider this a PSA about poor style choices on your part in 2013) TOTALLY KIDDING………………………..maybe…
           Anyway I think my reason for keeping ALL these jeans over the years was to motivate me……..but really it just made me feel worse………….UNTIL NOW! Now that I am using the Isagenix I see all 23 pairs in my very near future………..EXCEPT for the lacey bedazzled ones….not so much that pair…….Maybe I’ll turn them into an 80’s throwback purse or something. Do a little stone washing on em. After all I am quite crafty.
You wanna know what I plan on doing with those two pairs that I wear now? The size 18’s? I plan on stapling them to my wall once I’m out of them for good…………..to remind me of how far I’ve come and where I will never go again!!
         Thanks for taking a moment to swim in my Jean pool with me. Don’t forget your floaties!