THE GREAT SPORTS BRA SNAFU...AND THE SWAMP ASS TRAGEDY

        I am one of those people who laugh when they see someone fall.  Sure, once I get my laugh out I will rush over to help them...but none the less I cannot, absolutely cannot help myself from laughing first.  Call me an asshole if you want, you know you do it to!  Except if you witness me fall or even trip...you better not be laughing...except if it's with me, because I laugh even when I fall....sometimes I trip over flat surfaces...that's just how good I really am.  It's not always a plant on your ass fall on your face kind of deal.....more of a trip...turn my walk into a little jog and pretend I meant to do that type of deal.  If you have ever seen Ellen's comedy show you all know exactly what I'm talking about.  Where you trip...turn your walk into a quick jog and look back pretending you tripped on something.  Totally happens to me all the time....and of course always in public.  However...this post is not about tripping.  This post is about bleeding nipples (that would make a cool name for a band!)  and swamp ass.  Yep!  You read that right.
       Let's all now discuss the importance of a good fitting sports bra.  I have never been well endowed so to speak.  I think even at my heaviest I was only ever a C cup.  The twins are no longer firm and perky like they were in my hay-day before children.  Now they are more like saggy balloons filled with sand.  All you ladies out there, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  The problem is, not only are they no longer firm, from all the fluctuating of weight from failed diets, and breastfeeding etc, these bitches have stretch marks on em too!  (Good thing I keep the lights off when Chief and I are going down to funky town).  However he loves me so much he doesn't even care.  It's me with the issues on the twins.  Okay so back to the sports bra issue.  Ladies, (and any gents that have man boobs and may be seeking advice on support for them during a workout)  PLEASE PLEASE make sure you get a sports bra that "fits" correctly.  Also, don't buy a cheap one. Here is my reasoning.  I had gone to Walmart and bought a cheap ass sports bra...at the time not really thinking much on quality of it since I don't have much to support, so I went for the cheapy $8.00 one and because I was being cheap, I got it in a size to big.  Big fucking mistake on my part.... I put it on...all felt okay so I went to the gym (this was not any time recently, this was  during one of my yo-yo diets)  anyway, first day not to bad....I could tell that the bra was a tad big, and I was a bit sore after my venture on the treadmill but nothing terrible....day two.....it was a little worse, but it was either I wore this shitty sports bra or I went booby commando.........In my own house this is acceptable....in a gym where there are fabulous looking men and women who sweat dew drops?  No thanks! And I was too cheap and lazy to go back to the store to get another better fitting, better quality one.  So the third day in a row at the gym I was killing myself on the treadmill........and as I'm jogging, my boobs started to really hurt.... remember my story prior to this one about the thigh chafage?  Well this shit can happen to tits too!  Let's combine small tits, too big of a cheap ass sports bra, some sweat and lots of jiggly movement.  What do we get?  We get sore ass bloody nipples!  You guessed it friends, I couldn't take the pain anymore so I hopped off the treadmill and went to the locker room.  Got into the bathroom stall, lifted my shirt and my girls were bleeding!  Do you see what happens when this chic tries to work out and do something good for herself?  So yea... the next few days I had to wear baggy t-shirts and slather neosporin on my upper lady bits til that shit healed.
        I know I said this blog was also about swamp ass... and here I am not failing to fill you in on all my trials and tribulations on all my past experiences with weight loss and exercise escapades.  When I finally felt ok enough and my nips were healed up nicely and my ass stopped being so cheap and bought a decent maidenform sports bra, I headed back to the gym.  This time I headed there in dark gray yoga pants...........and got on the treadmill.  Now....you know when you sweat in the summer time....especially if it's so ungodly hot...you have been sitting forever and you get up and you just know you have crack sweat....well here I am feeling proud of myself that I got my ass back to the gym, yet that very same ass I was just so proud of was now producing sweat!  Now I remember why I always wore black pants to the fucking gym.  I am feeling the sweat dripping down my crack ...Please oh please don't let it be showing through is all I kept thinking.......... I allowed myself 5 more minutes on the treadmill as to make make it seem obvious that something was wrong before I hopped off and waltzed my ass back to the locker room again. Holy shit it looked like my butt peed my pants!  So now all I'm thinking is I have to walk BACK out of this damn place with no sweatshirt to wrap around my waist or anything.  I guess if I were a size 4 at the time I maybe wouldn't care that my butt was sweating because hell you're a size 4 and look good, who cares if your butt pees..............but I was about 260 lbs and soooo terribly embarrassed.  I quickly made my way out of the gym into my car.  It wasn't long after that that Chief bought me my own treadmill.  Moral of today's story my faithful readers : Bleeding nipples is not just a good name for a rock band it can really happen if you aren't careful with your tits and sports bra selections............and our butts REALLY CAN pee!