Desperately Seeking Little Debbie

        I have this memory……….it’s as clear to me as if it was yesterday. I was about four years old and we were living in North Jersey at the time. I remember my mom had a friend over visiting…..and in our front hallway/foyer, there was a table….on that table there sat a candy bowl. Now I don’t recall if there was always candy in it or if mom just put the candy out because she had guests….this memory will forever be ingrained in my brain from that age. 
        My Mom and her friend were talking in the kitchen…I remember going into her and asking if I could have a Hershey kiss from the bowl. I remember it being filled to the top with the shiny silver foil and the little paper tassels that draped off of them. I remember starting off by grabbing probably about 2 and making my way to the den…….as quick as I could I ripped the wrappers off and shoved them in my mouth. Then I stuffed the papers into the couch cushions. I wanted more. I snuck back to the hallway…I remember waiting to hear the sound of voices…checking to see if my mom and her friend were still in the kitchen. I knew well enough at that age that I shouldn’t be going back for more but I didn’t care. It’s like my brain knew what was right but those damn 4 year old feet kept walking towards that freaking candy bowl! I grabbed probably 5-6 more. I scurried back to the den, unwrapped them as quietly and quickly as I could and shoved them in my mouth, then jammed the wrappers into the couch again. It was like a high for me. Over and over I repeated this ritual…….tip toe to the hallway….listen for the voices in the kitchen…grab more Hershey kisses, then scurry back to behind the couch……. Yes I know you’re thinking what four year old experiences a high over food. This one did! I went so many times I emptied the bowl……..funny part is I cannot remember for the life of me if my mom found out and scolded me or not…the only part of this moment in time I remember was stealing these delicious chocolate little heaven sent kisses and devouring them. It was an early addiction that has stayed with me the rest of my life. An addiction to sweet things. An embarrassing addiction. 
       This addiction followed me through grade school. I would sneak into the pantry and take Little Debbie’s (those damn preservative filled brownies were my favorite) and sneak them up to my bedroom and down them as fast as I could and hide the wrappers in my backpack until I was able to get rid of the evidence at school the next day. In high school I would still do things like this…except now I would purge afterwards….I would buy snacks and eat them in my car and hide the wrappers and go home and sneak upstairs before my mommom could hear me and lock myself in the bathroom….full of tears and regret. I would eat dinner with the family but afterwards I would throw up what I ate. I always had to be careful when I did this because my older sister was always one step ahead of me. She never officially “caught” me purging I don’t think, but she always had a sense that I was. (This is probably why she is such a good mom with 3 young boys of her own…..eyes on all sides of her head I’m convinced). I remember she would follow me up to the bathroom after dinner and sit and listen at the door so I couldn’t throw up what I just ate…..at the time I hated her and I felt she was just being a nuisance…. I know now she did it because she loved me. If I wasn’t gorging on a box of ho-ho’s I was going a day or more in a row without eating anything or vomiting up what little food I would allow myself to have. The cycle just repeated itself over and over..pretty much the entire four years I was in high school.
Normally I make my entries amusing….I try to get a laugh out of you all as I go through things about myself and my life….. this entry really is hard to make funny because the subject matter is so deep. There’s nothing funny about vomiting up your food because you were dying to be thin to fit in. There’s nothing humorous about going out and buying boxes of donuts and eating them all at one time and then looking at yourself in the mirror in disgust telling yourself “I hate you”. There’s absolutely nothing funny about it. NOTHING….. I’m letting everyone in to a private place that I have never really shared with but a few. Is it embarrassing? Of course it is…..is it necessary to talk about? ABSOLUTELY. If I am not going to be honest about where I’ve come from, how can I expect anyone to want to know where I’m headed? I know I’m not alone out there in this. I know there are plenty of women who go through what I’ve gone through. What I still struggle with daily, regarding my body image. Society glorifies skinny and makes you feel like shit if you are overweight. True, I don’t want to be overweight anymore… but I don’t want to be a waif either. I want to be healthy….I want to be strong. I want to teach my son the right and wrong behaviors with food…and nutrition. I don’t want to ever go back to what I used to do. The beauty of the new lifestyle I’ve chosen with the Isagenix is that I don’t have to. Those cravings for all that once held me captive are gone. I finally feel FREE!http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sia+breathe+me&oq=sia&gs_l=youtube-reduced.1.1.35i39j0l3.529839.530160.0.531840.3.3.0.0.0.0.105.268.2j1.3.0...0.0...1ac.1.1-5c6TMhVPE