Self Admitted Scale Whore

        

        I hate to weigh myself.  Ok, actually let me rephrase that…I hate to weigh myself when I know I’m eating like shit and I can feel the pounds creeping on…when I just know  I’m gaining weight.  Then the minute I start losing weight look the fuck out my ass is on that scale every day....I strip on down in the morning, use the bathroom and hop on the scale (not necessarily in that order) I don't generally sit on the toilet naked...........too much skin exposed and the bathroom light really doesn't do my olive tone JUSTICE.  Anyway, there have been days when my ass was on that scale 2-3 times maybe even more.  I remember many-a-times in my past when I would down laxatives and make my way to the scale over and over and over throughout the day to see if it changed...even if it was .2 lbs...shit people it's a decimal point of a fucking pound and in my brain THAT is what mattered...it was still a loss for me.  Victory.  Victory that came at a price.  Not only was I doing some major, major damage to my insides with laxatives or even when I would vomit up what I ate, but psychologically the amount of damage I was putting on myself was unbearable.  In my head I knew what I was doing was completely wrong, but when you are at your lowest of lows, it didn't matter....the only thing that mattered was the number on the scale.  
         I am trying very hard to work on this.  I got the other parts under control.  No more bulimic episodes, no more starving myself, no more laxatives, etc.   I still have that devil that sits on my shoulder that says "you're fat", "you're not worth it", and a plethora of other awful things.  Most days I'm able to flick her off my shoulder and stomp her away........other days the pain of my (even recent) past and eating habits haunt me.  I know this is a journey...not a quick fix.  Every day I'm learning more about my strength and the right way to do things.  Every day I try to look in that mirror and say one nice thing about myself.  This is not an easy task when for a good part of 34 years I've been telling myself the opposite.  People who see me on the outside would never guess my inner struggles...my extreme self consciousness or how I've let my terrible views of myself run my life.  Ever since I can remember people perceive me as this super happy girl, always smiling, or comment on how I can command a room with my presence (in a good way of course).  However I have always been the first person to also make fun of myself or make a fat joke about myself....the reason for this is because if I did it first, I beat everyone else to it.  (The saddest part about it is they were probably never going to make any fat jokes at all, but in my head I had to beat them to it!)
        People see me and see a big bright smile...when most of the time I would be crying inside.  Trying to escape the feeling like I was never good enough.  I'm learning every single day how to love myself.  The beauty of the Isagenix is that it helps so much with that.  Before I started on the lifestyle change I would always be tired and dragging my ass through each day.....kinda like I was just "existing" each moment.  This caused a lot of depression.  With all of this new found energy I'm like a new person.  Mentally and quite quickly, physically as well.  The physical part will get there.  I know it takes time.  I know there are no real quick fixes......and that was always my mistake in the past.  I wanted instant results, and if I didn't get them I would punish myself for it.  Not anymore.  I found a life changing product that I know works,...I know it makes me feel amazing and I'm seeing results all at the same time.  I'm working every day on not getting on the scale.  Lately it's a lower number each time.  19.4 lbs in 19 days..........but who's counting right??