LEAP OF FAITH (Taking that first jump out of your comfort zone)

I’m a skeptic.  Like big time………., probably because I have tried everything out there…..at least twice.  I don’t think I know anyone more skeptical about weight loss programs then yours truly.  I’ve done Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, The Zone, Nutri-System,  Sensa (that shit caused blisters on my tongue and cheeks! How scary is that????) I even tried Richard Simmons- Move Groove and Loose (Shut up!  I could eat all the mushrooms and celery I wanted to and I didn’t have to slide the little thing over on my handy pocket calorie and food counter with the nifty pictures on it!).  And now for the BIG LAUGH………….I’ve sweated to the oldies too folks…yep!  Me and Richard and our terry cloth headbands strutting our stuff around like we were the shit!  Anyway, this is just to name a few….. I’ve also choked down every diet pill you can imagine…Dexatrim, Xenadrine, Alli, Phytodren, and a slew of others you can buy off the shelf of so called “health stores”.   My “dieting” started back in grade school.  My mom always was on a diet and I always felt like I had some weight to lose so I thought it was the thing to do.  So I would sneak diet pills.  That’s where it started.  They would cut my appetite, yet at the same time give me these crazy jitters, but I didn’t care, because I didn’t want to eat right? And not eating meant not gaining weight, right???  How naïve we can be.  When that wasn’t enough for me, I would start vomiting up my food or not eating at all.  The desperation overtook my better judgment.  The harm I was doing to my body at such a young age was insane.  I’ve spoken before in my blogs about the binging and purging and the not eating at all as well..About the pill after pill I threw down my throat to try to help me get to that ever sought after goal weight….the depleting entire food groups in hopes to drop lots of weight…it never ended, this hamster wheel I just couldn’t get off of.  This body of mine has been through hell….and I was the one who put it through it.  All so I could look acceptable to society on the outside.  It didn’t matter to me how I got there, as long as I no longer was the heavy one.  This went on throughout most of, if not all of my adulthood, except during pregnancy.  The pills, the purging at times, the cutting whole food groups, the extreme calorie cutting, the fad diets.  I thought that was the only way.  I mean they practically jam that shit down your throat with beautiful, fit women on TV every day right?  Well, I wanted to look like them.  I wanted to be lean, trim, and beautiful…like them.  I wanted to be the one people were looking at because I looked really good, not because I was the overweight one in the room (fyi, this was my mindset, for all I knew people weren’t even judging me, but when you are heavy it goes through your mind all the time…that being uncomfortable in your own skin kind of deal)….. Sadly on all the fad diets, any amount of weight I would lose, even if it was with Weight Watchers and controlling my portions, I would gain it all back plus another 20 because no matter what, the processed foods, the pesticide covered fruits and vegetables, the hormone laden meats and cheeses…were still going in my system.  I didn’t realize all of that was so toxic and that is why my body kept yo-yo’ing back to BIG….because you could get skinny as a rail, but when you are still toxic and acidic, your body does NOT like that environment, so it packs on the fat to protect the organs…hence why I would always gain everything back plus some. 

I have found my solution…not a diet…not a fad….…I took that leap of faith and couldn’t be more satisfied with my choice to do so and with the amazing results I have had because of that leap.  Fifty-six pounds gone in 17 weeks using Isagenix nutritional cleansing program.  No diet pills, no fads, no binging, no purging, no depleting food groups, no calorie counting, no point counting….Just pure whole food organic nutrition…and by far the EASIEST plan I’ve ever followed…and when you stick the right fuel in your body it has nothing else to do but use the fuel the way it was supposed to.  I have been building my team along the way and making friends along this same journey.  Some are doing it for weight loss, some are doing it just to be healthier in general and lose the toxicity. 

So I can only see myself reaching my goals, losing the other 49 lbs by my birthday on September 30^th…. and for once in my life being able to maintain that for the rest of my life with this program.  It has become a lifestyle for me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Yes, yes, I know this blog entry was not funny like my normal ones can be, but I just want the people out there that are on the fence about changing their life and health and even their wealth, if you let me show you how, to know sometimes you just have to take that “leap of faith” to lose what you don’t want and gain everything you do!

For all my readers, I will be holding a “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” class in my living room every third Thursday of the month!  Who’s with me????

THE GAS SMELLED ROUND THE WORLD (the bodily functions that ran my life)

Because I have no problem laying it all out there anymore (the old me NEVER would have shared all these personal stories but that is where all these awesome changes have come into play with my new life.)…because I now have no shame about what my life WAS….I want to share my worst moments…along with my best because I know I can be the voice of many who are afraid to step up and talk or afraid to take that first leap to better themselves…I want to inspire people to do that….

 I’m gonna share a little story about my past health issues.  I may or may not use the word “fuck” throughout….one can never be too sure…..Ok who am I kidding?…that word will be sprinkled about in every blog I’m pretty sure.  Before Isagenix, my stomach was one hot fucking mess (see, there it is….already).  By hot mess, I mean I am 34 years old….and have already had 3 colonoscopies in my lifetime.  Don’t be jealous… although we all know how much fun it sounds to drink this nasty salty saline that they “flavor” with lime and ginger to make it more palpable…..I will tell you first hand…FUCK NO it is the WORST tasting stuff ever…and it has forever tainted my ability to drink limeade again (because that is what my doctor recommended I put it in to help with the flavor) NOTHING can help with that flavor, let’s just be very clear on THAT!….Then you get to shit your brains out for hours and I mean HOURS, go to the hospital the next morning looking  like hell and feeling weak and nauseous  because you can’t eat or drink… and THEN you get to have a camera shoved up your hiney along with a steady stream of air, all while they have you under anesthesia and all the people in the room get to see your bits and pieces without you remembering squat about it.  Afterwards and here’s the REAL gem….. you get to lay in the bed in a “recovery room” with just a thin curtain separating you and alllllllllll the other post procedure patients…..and you get to………. FART………..yep!  You read that right….you get to (they make you) fart and fart and fart out ALL that air they blew up your ass while you were knocked out. The nurses would make it sound like it was just SO easy to rip one in front of (or at least next to a curtain) that separated you from a complete stranger.  I have a farting complex…………this would NEVER be easy for me….. How much fun right?  So not once, not twice but three times I have had to do this….It never got easier any time. 

The reason I had to do this is because I have always had the worst stomach…I would eat and I would be in the bathroom within minutes…it would go right through me.  I have been from specialist to specialist….no one had any idea except “IBS” was the answer I got…each and every time.  No one saying what was staring them AND me in the face all along yet no one ever brought it up?  NO one ever thought well maybe it’s the shit you eat…..it took me two more colonoscopies and about 8 more years of these stomach issues to figure out it was the crap I was putting in my body…and I don’t just mean the fried foods…it was literally everything… the sauces, the dairy, all that processed junk, the diet sodas and artificial sweeteners….I was filling my stomach up with…wasn’t just putting the pounds on me but it was also making me toxic and that was my body’s way of rejecting that shit….literally and figuratively.

Since beginning Isagenix I have not had ONE single bout of IBS………this is how I know that it was the food that I used to put in my body that was causing years and years of distress on my stomach and my toilet!  Obviously Isagenix cannot claim to cure anything as it is just pure whole food organic nutrition…but first hand I KNOW it has changed my life and my bowels for the better!

***A little side note about my first time having a colonoscopy…. For some reason I thought it would be a wonderful idea to go for all you can eat wings the night after the colonoscopy was finished….(No one ever needs “all you can eat” by the way …of anything) ……. But anyway….so after having a completely empty stomach, a camera and air shoved up my bum that morning…I decided that wings were what I wanted to eat…and BOY did I have my fair share of the “all you can eat”………So anyway, on the way home…of course…my stomach started to feel icky, as always….….Chief was driving (we were still just dating at this time)….we were about 5 minutes from home and I had to fart……..and I mean I had to fart worse than I ever had to fart in my life…there was still air stuck up in me from the morning’s treat of a procedure….and I just didn’t realize it til I added the fried wings on top of that….So I let it rip…..and THANK GOD it was silent……………….but HOLY HELL it was also DEADLY…………. I quick rolled down the window….. Hoping,….. PRAYING, Chief wouldn’t get a whiff and it would just make it’s way out of the window. This sucker was LINGERING!  It would not, COULD not find it’s way out the open window to relieve us of it’s stench….OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD….FUCK FUCK FUCK!  He’s gonna smell it and KNOW it was me…..he’s not gonna wanna keep dating me!  This is the shit that was going through my head….. So I had to fess up and say “I’m sorry if you smell that…My stomach is still full of air and I didn’t think it would stink”………………Chief turned to me, with a big ol’ grin on his face and said “holy shit babe! That was AWESOME!!!!! I thought we just passed a shit truck or something!”……………and that my friends is part of the reason I married that man………

5K OR BUST (Dedicated to my new friend and trainer)

Ok, so as I mentioned previously in another post, I am training to run a 5K.  Now some of you may be thinking big deal…it’s 3.1 miles…..Actually when you say it like that it doesn’t sound bad at all really. I mean I do 3 miles on the treadmill almost every day……..yet I don’t “run”….I actually walk fast, uphill for my treadmill workouts.  Running is a whole other fucking ball game for me (See I never cease to use that word when needed).  This 5K was not my idea………actually I shy away from anything that has to do with running because I literally SUCK at it, and I get the nervous poop pains when I even think someone is gonna ask me to run with them.  Go ahead and laugh, I know I’m not alone in this!  I get out of breath too easily, I get pains in my calves, or stitches in my side….It’s a whole plethora of issues that arise when I try to run ….so I’ve just always avoided it at all costs…kinda like a when you have the option to answer the door when the Jehovah witnesses come knocking , I avoid answering the door….like every time…It’s pretty much like that ….( disclaimer:  I’m all about everyone celebrating their own religion, I’m just not a fan of ANYONE celebrating it on my front porch,….no offense to anyone out there)  It’s like this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that I’m not very good at it and that people are going to be watching me, and I am gonna probably trip over my own feet. (I do enjoy when people trip….I find it super funny….I’ve written about that before…except I don’t enjoy when it’s ME).  Another reason I despise running is basically this… have you ever tried to lug around 60 extra pounds when you are pounding the pavement? Sure I’ve lost almost 50 pounds already, but let’s face it….I’m still no tiny little thing….RUNNING SCARES ME!  The idea of running makes me wanna “run for the hills” so to speak…as odd as that sounds!

So in comes my trainer (I am SO blessed that the lovely Lindsay moved across the street from me AND is a personal trainer AND is training me at no charge.  I’m her project….and I’m a very willing subject.  She came into my life at the exact moment I needed her….it’s funny how things work that way…..She is going to mold me into a runner………That’s right, you fuckin heard me…..she’s training me to become a runner. I told her by my 35^th birthday on September 30^th I wanted to be down my full 105 lbs. that I promised myself I would lose.  She then came up with this “brilliant” idea that we we’re gonna sign up for a 5k together.  She.    Is.    Awesome.  There is only a TAD bit of sarcasm there……….. (She really IS awesome, I’m totally teasing right now..but this is all part of my fear).  So let me give you a visual of Lindsay … She is this strikingly beautiful little peanut of a woman who is in the most amazing shape ever… who wants to train 200 plus pound, me!  Not only is she training me to be a runner she’s fully putting her heart in soul in getting me in the BEST shape (Round is a shape right?) I have ever been in.  Between her and the Isagenix as my new lifestyle, I am so sure I will get there…I may drop dead at the end, but you bet your asses I’m not going to give up and I’m gonna look damn good doing it!!  I’m pretty sure there are only 2 other things I’ve ever wanted as much in my life…that would be my son and my husband……. Poor, poor Lindsay has her work cut out for her.  She’s a fucking saint!

 So three days into training on weights and my body is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME?????......yet it’s like the best pain EVER, because I know I am doing amazing things for myself.  Has anyone out there in blog-land ever done planks?  Who the fuck invented these things???  Probably an asshole, that’s who.  But for real, I get the idea behind them, I know I’m tightening up my core….but good Lord above, they are HARD!!!!  Soon will be burpees…….if you don’t know what a burpee is…please do yourself a favor and search that shit up on YouTube……………..I’m already crying inside in the fetal position and I haven’t even started those yet! Feel free to cry for me and with me….I just keep the goal in my mind as I’m in searing pain on my 40^th lunge……. As my thighs are wobbling as I stand in the shower under the hot water…..again….pain..but a wonderful pain.  For anyone who has been in my boat, rowing along with me, you know EXACTLY what I mean.  I can’t wait to start seeing even more results now that I’ve stepped up my game so much.  This is a very personal journey for me that I have shared with all of you because I know a lot of you are on a similar one.  For those of you who have not begun your journey yet but you always have that voice in the back of your head saying “get up and do something”…..I want to be part of that voice…I want to inspire people to become better….to feel better…to make their lives the best they can.  Of course I will occasionally (who am I kidding) throw out the word Fuck to give it a little sparkle here and there….but I want people to read my blog and be like FUCK YEA if she can do it, so can I!   Seriously….if I can do it ANYONE can do it! I want people to one day say “because of you I didn’t give up…I kept going”.  We all have that voice in our head that says it would just be easier to quit….but what good does quitting ever do? (Unless it’s like quitting smoking) I’m not a fan of quitting….. Just keep pushing… Kinda like when Lindsay is training me…and she says, just as I’m about to say I “can’t”….she says “you can do it”….and fuck yea she’s right!

The BEST Worst Night of My Life (When I Woke Up and Started Giving a Fuck

We all know a lot about me by now….. we know I started this journey with a lot of weight to lose, to be exact, 105 pounds… and a whole lot of confidence to gain.…...I am nearly halfway there in just over three months time.  I have gotten there with the most amazing products of Isagenix and the support of so many of my friends, and even people I don’t know cheering me on along the way. 

Everyone gets somewhere from a point A to a point B…………  my point A was  on January 7^th….. I was at a restaurant with some girlfriends and having sushi….nothing crazy went on that day….normal Sunday….fairly relaxing.  I was 255 pounds and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I remember sitting at the table eating when all of a sudden out of nowhere the room started to get very “foggy” so to speak and my hearing started to go…my vision got blurry and my heart was racing out of my chest and my throat felt like it was tightening as I breathed.  Oh my fucking God, I’m 34 years old and I’m having a heart attack. I’m having a heart attack in my plate of raw salmon and tuna………..WHAT….THE……FUCK!  All that was racing through my mind was fuck, fuck, fuck (there I go again with that word…it works in SO many situations to enhance things I think) I am going to die at Miyabi and never see my 4 year old son or my husband again……This is how I’m going to die…..because at that moment that is exactly what it felt like….and every fiber of my being began to have regret with how I’d abused my body over the years….how I’d eaten whatever I wanted, processed foods out the wazoo, fruits and vegetables laden in pesticides… meat filled with antibiotics….I drank diet soda like it was water and never  drinking water because it wasn’t diet soda or iced tea with Splenda (my two drinks of choice).  What was going through my head was literally -this is it, this is what you get for all those times you said “I’ll just start tomorrow”……this was my favorite phrase…it was always “oh I’ll just start tomorrow, and enjoy today”…but what was I enjoying?  Being tired and sick or sick and tired all the time…sick and tired and nearly dead it felt like? Dragging my ass out of bed each morning to “get through” another day?  I wasn’t enjoying anything…I was going through my life feeling like crap….but in my mind at that very moment all I kept thinking was “what if there isn’t a tomorrow now, what if I’ve run out of tomorrow’s?”  At 34 years old these should never be normal things that run through your head…. Hell at any age one shouldn’t have to feel or think this way.  But there I was….on my way to the hospital thinking “I’ve really done it now!”

Newsflash … I didn’t die! For everyone who was biting their nails at the last paragraph……………..I am still here!

After being put on a slew of unnecessary medicine (of course at the time I didn’t realize this, I was just taking what the doctor prescribed me.) Here was the laundry list of shit I was put on….medicine for high blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety, depression, vertigo….. AND she even threw in some shit for reflux and indigestion because why the hell not right?  I was a walking disaster of health problems…and now a walking pharmacy too. Funny how though NOT ONCE did either doctor I saw at the hospital or my follow up at my general practitioner, not even once mention what was staring us all smack in the face.  No one said to me “you may want to lose a little weight.”  Not one professional in a white coat uttered those words to me…..I was handed 5 prescriptions and sent on my way.   Are you fucking kidding me?????  I mean it isn’t that I didn’t know I needed to lose weight, trust me, I thought about it 23.5 hours out of the day (the other .5 hours in my day were consumed by me saying the word “fuck”).  So for three weeks straight I took this arsenal of medications (again that I didn’t need) all of them causing side effects, some worse than the thing they were treating….

I knew something had to give….I needed to do SOMETHING or I was going to either end up diabetic, or have a REAL heart attack.  I was NOT going to allow that to happen….I needed a solution……I was in one of my darkest places…..severely overweight….tired ALL the time….extremely unmotivated….overall just a very unhappy person.

In walked my best friend…. I’ve mentioned her in my blog before, and Jacqui you know I will always be eternally grateful for sharing this amazing system with me.  All those meds I was on in January…I was off of them first week I started using Isagenix.  Not only that, I haven’t had a single cup of coffee since the beginning…and you are talking about a chick that drank 5-6 cups a day.  Not only that but I fucking don’t crave sweets anymore and haven’t since I started!  Sure once in awhile when I’m out to dinner I’ll have a bite or two of dessert but the old me would have eaten the entire plate and picked it up and licked the remainders off of it (I’m totally fucking with you- that is completely Neanderthal, after all I AM a fucking lady!)

I want to share this amazing system with everyone I know….I want to share it with everyone I DON’T know too…that is how passionate I am about it.  I don’t care if people get tired of hearing about it from me, I’m not gonna stop talking about it.  I wanna go buy a damn bull horn and drive around my neighborhood and embarrass my husband by shouting it out the windows of the car to people.  (Wheels are spinning in my head right now, how can I do something like this and get away with it legally? Seems like SUCH an awesome plan if you ask me) Maybe none of you are asking but I still think that would be BAD ASS!.....an Isagenix van…… with samples to hand out…..Kinda like the ice cream man but I’m so much cooler than he is and I won’t play that annoying music….and I’d be giving away healthy stuff (or excepting donations, either or, after all gotta keep that van gassed up ya know or my whole plan is totally shot to shit)  not the crap that keeps making you tired, and heavy and miserable.

My point here people is everyone needs to feel good….who wants to go through life tired and feeling like every day at 3 pm they just wanna take a nap.  That was my life before…..and I will never go back.  I can say that with confidence because of ALL of the changes that came along with changing my lifestyle.  From the loss of 46 pounds, to glowing skin, to a better attitude about myself and feeling good now when I look in the mirror.  I have never felt like this before…and it just keeps getting better and better every single day.  That night in January was one of BEST, worst nights of my life…..because it was an eye opener for me.  I finally WOKE the FUCK up!  I am halfway to my point B and I’m enjoying every step of the way!

……BUT YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE (cleaning out my closet of shame)

      Ok people, this shit is NEVER ok to say….You may as well say “for a fat girl you don’t sweat much”…..we all know what, “but you have such a pretty face” really means…..It means your face is nice, but your ass is fat. I can say this without being considered a bitch ( I hope) because I’ve been there….hell, I’m still overweight and considered plus sized (two sizes away from being out of that category by the way….I just did a happy dance behind my laptop) but I can tell you…no plus sized woman EVER wants to hear this phrase uttered to her…we actually don’t even want to consider the fact that the thought may have crossed your mind to say something so asinine to us….My mommom was notorious for saying this exact phrase to me…. Usually it would go along like this….I can hear it in my head so vividly…”but Tracey, you have such a pretty face,….if you’d just get some of that weight off of you”………………I’ve learned over time to let it roll off my back…I used to let it bother the shit out of me…I think all that changed when I started working with senior citizens every day, and realize they have no fucking filter and will say whatever they damn well please, without thinking twice. Maybe this is a good trait to have…..I’m not sure, I was always taught if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Except “fuck” I like to say that, whether it’s considered nice or not, I don’t care, I love the word and I will probably always say it…….so too fucking bad, deal with it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUUCK…………ok I think I have gotten it out of my system for another paragraph or two……….maybe half a paragraph..I won’t know til I continue writing…..
         
          I’ve been going through my clothes a lot lately….I’ve lost nearly 50 lbs…. I have hardly anything to wear now. Of course it is bitter sweet….the bitter part is the money I have to spend to buy a new wardrobe…however that is soooo overshadowed by the SWEET!!!! And by “sweet” I mean sweet baby Jesus look how far I’ve come in just 3 months!!!! But let’s get back to my closet……most of these clothes have become a security blanket for me……I think I’ve kept so many of these bigger clothes in there over the years as a “just in case you get fat again” situation arose. So many times I have gone back to my size 18/20 jeans…my XXL shirts….. that up and down Yo-yo-ing I’ve spent so much of my adulthood doing….I’m now 12 weeks into Isagenix and down to a size 13/14 pants (they are getting loose as well) and a Large shirt…( I am even able to wear this adorable pair of espadrille shoes I bought about two years ago that my feet were too fat to shove into!)…I’m sure you all recall my blog “cute shoes, fat feet”….…I don’t ever want to or PLAN to go back to that size 20 miserable, tired, heavy former shell of a person I used to be. When I say I was miserable, I mean MISERABLE. 

         This journey for me however is much more than just about the weight loss. It’s about finding myself again….I am fucking see I used fuck again, one bad ass chic! I have gained confidence that I never had. Sure in the past I would do a really good job of faking confidence to get through a situation, but man oh man, this shit is REAL this time around. When you feel good from the outside in, it literally shows all over the outside! I had someone in the grocery store the other day tell me that my skin was beautiful and glowing……….SCREEEEEEEEEECH, put on the brakes people…………”Exsqueeeeeeze me ma’am? Did you just say I have nice skin?” I have never been told that before…(maybe it goes along with “but you have such a pretty face”? I’m not sure.) But yea, my skin is looking pretty awesome lately! Not only did some random stranger come up to me and say I had nice skin ( I’m not sure whether I should be concerned or creeped out that she was looking at me when I didn’t realize it….was she following me around the store? Waiting for an opportune time to tell me this? Did she purposely get behind me in line while I was trying to balance my 5 items in my hands and my purse and my car keys while trying to get my debit card out….all because this stubborn asshole that I am didn’t want to grab a cart or a basket because really, I only needed an item or two…or 5…) But she also said my skin was glowing! And I have to agree….but the glow isn’t just about my healthy skin since nutritionally cleansing my system of it’s toxins, it really is glowing because from the inside I am a better person. I hold myself better…I present myself better…I am finally proud of myself. I smile more when I’m out….I make eye contact with strangers and give them a warm smile….because I don’t feel like I’m hiding in a fat suit anymore where people are judging me.

          So my mission this week is to finish going through all of my clothes and once and for all getting rid of all those security blankets…..I have made a decision to make Isagenix my lifestyle….to embrace it fully. It fits into every aspect of my life…I’m still able to go to parties….to eat out with friends,..to entertain friends…. I’ve been asked “do you eat real food on that diet?”…………..Well first of all….it’s NOT a diet…it’s a lifestyle change. And yes I eat “real” food on it…whatever that means…I always chuckle at this because Isagenix is about as real as it gets…. This is the crème de la crème of nutrition……You can’t get this kind of organic, nutrient rich food anywhere else….

So I leave you all with this……. What is the person in the grocery store behind you thinking when they look at you? Are you glowing? If not it’s your time to shed that outer shell and fly my little butterflies………spread those fucking wings with me and let’s soar!

WAITING IN LINE AT THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER (The loop de loops of self loathing)

      Self loathing is by far one of the worst traits a person can possess.  I say this from firsthand experience.  I say this because from the time I was little until just recently this was my life.  I was always the bright, happy, Susie sunshine person from the outside, big smile, shoulder to cry on friend, pick you up when you are feeling down, make you laugh til you wanted to pee (or so I’ve been told) etc. etc….. But inside I was always falling apart… I hid it well….or so I thought.  Clearly by me saying I hid it well is a tad false…..this is where the anxiety meds came in, the anti-depressants, the emotional breakdowns and panic attacks …… I guess really I just masked it all.  My life inside my own mind was exactly what I titled this post…an emotional roller coaster.  And this NAKED chic wanted to get OFF!!!!  One minute I would be happy, the next I could be in a pile of tears sitting in the bathroom because I just hated how I looked and felt about myself.

      I don’t know exactly where this all started….I have my ideas…when I was younger I was compared by people a lot to my beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed sister.  She was always slim, with long straight hair….and when people would see us together it was almost like instant comparison…some would even say “she’s blonde and blue eyed, where did YOU come from?”  Like that was really an odd question since my father and I have the same coloring (Asses).   I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn’t that guys didn’t find me attractive but I myself, never ever saw what they saw.  I always compared myself to my older sister.  She was like this goddess I would look up to….We would fight like cats and dogs when we were younger, like sisters that are 2 years apart often do.  I would steal her clothes so I could feel like her when I was at school and then before she got home I would hang them back up in her closet so she wouldn’t know….She always found out….. My lying and sleuthing skills are for lack of a better word, non-existent.  She would ask me if I wore something and I just didn’t know how to lie….(that or she could smell the perfume I wore on the clothes I’m not too sure)……not only do I hate liars, I just cannot do it…I SUCK at it!  Anyway I think from grade school that is where it stemmed from…when she started to come into her own and I was always kinda in her shadow.  It’s funny because even to this day I still look up to her and envy her.   I don’t blame anyone for that, as it is in the past, but if I had to pinpoint a time in my life where this all began I would say it was probably around grade school.

       You know when you watch those talk shows about those beautiful women who would think nothing about them is attractive, and they simply just saw flaws when they looked in the mirror?  Well that was me….I mean to an extent….I never spent money on plastic surgery to change my appearance or anything, but I will admit I always wished I had the money to alter what parts of me I didn’t like.  That would have taken a boat load of money.  I’m also a Libra and we are very vain, so maybe my damn astrological sign has made it harder for me to accept who I am on the outside …who writes that shit because my sign is me to a freakin T  and that is scary! ..I guess in a way I am vain because I spent years upon years judging myself on my appearance.  The funny thing is I never judge anyone else on their appearance…..just myself.  I know we are our own worst critics….I’m the Roger Ebert of the Tracey show.  He’s got nothing on me with his thumbs up and thumbs down shit….I am the queen at judging and critiquing myself.   In my past I could have easily pointed out 10 things wrong with me physically before I said one nice thing about myself.  What the fuck????????  That’s certainly no way to live! Yet it’s exactly how I lived.  My husband would pay me a compliment and here’s what would go on in my head…”he’s only saying that because he’s my husband and he has to”……….UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

    It’s been about 12 weeks now, since I started changing my life.  Not only have I changed my outward appearance by using the Isagenix system (which I will be forever grateful for, and a lifetime user of as they have saved my life, literally and figuratively) but every day when I look in the mirror now I see something about myself that I like and I make a point to say something positive.  That emotional rollercoaster that I used to ride each and every day is almost nonexistent anymore.  I’m a better mom too.  My stress level is so much lower than it used to be (thank you Ionix Supreme…my Isagenix buddies will know what I am talking about with that!)  I had so much self hate inside of me I would fly off the handle much easier before, I would stress about everyday life occurrences….all in all I wasn’t a very happy person on the inside, regardless of what I showed my friends and family on the outside… It was almost like a dirty little secret.  It’s funny now, I find myself still waiting in line to get back on that emotional rollercoaster where I used to travel daily….however with the changes I’ve made, I don’t ever see that happening again.  I have the tools now to make sure that never ever happens again…

 I ask every one of my friends to be a bit cheesy today and give yourself a pat on the back or even a nice long hug, hey if you want to make out with yourself in the mirror that’s your prerogative, I won’t judge….but it’s time we all start liking ourselves a little more…… and if you know someone who may be stuck on those fucking loop de loops of emotions, how about stopping that rollercoaster and taking their hand and helping them out.  People need to see how awesome they really are and the beauty that not only lies on the outside but within. (Damn! I could be a Hallmark card writer!...I’m in the wrong business!)  It took me years and years to come to this realization that I really am beautiful….. even if I am no super model, even if I may never be a size 4……(I’ll settle for a size 6…… snicker, snicker…in all honesty with the plan I’m on it’s absolutely a realistic goal and I’m excited to get there!) I am worth putting in the time and energy to love myself….do I think it’s true what they say…”you can’t love someone until you love yourself”?  I more or less think that quote should say “you can’t accept someone else’s love until you love yourself”..that sounds more like it fits my journey…..…….. Start loving yourselves people…. Or you just may find me on your doorstep with open arms ready to hug the shit out of you, just to give you some love that you deserve!   I’m a really good house guest though, you may not want me to leave…I can make you laugh, I am a kick ass cook, and I like doing dishes…….. But in all seriousness, let’s start loving everything about ourselves…from the outside in….I promise you your whole outlook on life will change for the better!

My new bucket list includes becoming a motivational speaker………..but I guess I better brush up on my verbiage,…I don’t think the word “fuck” is very acceptable at public events.  Have a happy weekend readers!  And remember, go give yourself a pat on the back or a juicy wet mirror kiss!!!!!!!!

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PI

A BIG OL' FAT THANK YOU TO ALL MY SUPPORTERS OUT THERE! IF I COULD KISS YA ALL I WOULD! (HOWEVER, THIS FEVER BLISTER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S PRETTY MUCH GONE, GENERALLY MAKES EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS!)

The hubs and I went to AC to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.........here's a little sneak peek into how our trip went on our isagenix plan............. (OMG!!! dude! get your minds out of the gutter people...what did you think i meant when i said sneak peak!???)

I am looking forward to two cleanse days in a row tomorrow and Thursday ....even though I did really well on our trip to AC, I did indulge a little and had a few bites of dessert each night ...... plus the effing casino's were filled with cigarette smoke!!!! blech!!!! need to cleanse me some cells!!! ... we had a really great time....and did our shakes and bars for breakfast and lunch and only ate the regular dinners each night...I made really healthy choices each night ( because I didn't desire the normal fatty foods) ....I will say....even though we ordered a dessert each night to split, the old me would have been rejoicing inside when Chief would only want a bit or two....THIS time it was me too who only wanted a few bites....the stuff just tastes soooo sugary to me anymore...I don't enjoy it like I used to and always feel icky afterwards...I even got the shakes from the sugar!!! ewwww.........i know that is my body telling me it's something that is not good for me..... Chief and i are always talking about how amazing we feel..... ( and ladies...let me tell you.......I have always adored m y husband,...always loved every bit of him....but my oh my oh MY MY MY..........he has dropped over 30 lbs and I feel like a damn teenager all over again! He makes me swoon he's so damn handsome!!!!) and how we will never go back to our old lifestyle because we have found something that works and makes us feel amazing.......... There is no way in hell I would ever go back to how i used to feel when I know now what it really is supposed to feel like to be "alive"..... I feel I've been given a second chance here...... Isagenix is some sort of gift..........I swear it is........it has become the answer to all my problems....it feels so good to finally be taking care of me for once...and knowing my husband and son are getting the same amazing food as well? It's a no brainer!!!! Being able to teach my son what is good and bad for him and how to make the right choices when it comes to his food at such a young age...the kid won't have to go through feeling like shit like Chief and I had for so many years....

As I said on my regular facebook post.....there are the people out there (some are even family members...YES!!!!! I know...) who tease me about this journey or GASP! have blocked me from their facebook walls.....and how much I have committed to it....all the research I have taken upon myself to read and learn about the crap we have been pretty much poisoning ourselves with over the years....because we have been fooled.... because we aren't being told what's really in our food...even those regular fruits and veggies you are buying that you think are healthy....do some research..............

My question though is this...why would you make fun of someone who is taking their health into their own hands and finally making good choices? That's beyond me. Everyone should step up and think about it....you really are what you eat.....I really don't give a turd if you don't like what I am doing or if you don't like what I am saying.....or if you think it is some sort of "fad"...because it absolutely is not...there's noting "fad" about eating super food organic nutrition and remaking your entire body over in a healthy way. For the people who think Isagenix is a fad, or a diet or whatever..........do the research....it's nothing like what you "think" it is........That is the "dark side" to this journey...the nay sayers.....the debbie downers...the people who were there for you when you were all about eating shitty and feeling shitty about yourselves together...bitching and moaning about how crappy you felt as you shoved another bon bon down your throat (totally been there, done that!!!!!!) ....who now haven't changed their lives and how they are living....don't want to be there to celebrate the positive changes I have made...I guess for those people I just have to suck it up and realize that is their own issues they are dealing with.....

Now, for my supporters.............. Here's where that juicy wet kiss comes in...........(once the fever blister is completely gone I mean)... I will be forever eternally grateful to my best friend Jacqueline Cocozza who introduced me to this........you will never know my gratitude...yet I will continue to remind you, text you, shout it out to you when i see you, lift you up and hug you....(even kiss you when my lip herp is gone) ..and to the rest of my team NAKED peeps and the Isagenix friends I have met along my journey...I don't know any of you face to face.... and yet you have welcomed me with open arms and endless encouragement...you root for me and cheer me on along the way.....You send me messages, you text me....you make me want to try harder and push harder and work harder towards my goal. I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!! ♥ If I could tag every one of you in this post I would..but it won't let me......Silly facebook page..... but anyway........I really can't say thank you enough.....You have made the dark side of the moon pie sooooo much sunnier on the opposite side!!!!

THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL (dedicated to my son and how he saved my life)

        I have thought so many times about sharing this part of my life with more than the people closest to me. It is the hardest part to share. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy……. But I feel it signifies another moment in my life that has led me to where I am today……… It is not an easy read…so I’m giving everyone fair warning….. As I sit and write it, I still cry over the memory, as I do quite often.

         Just like so many of you, I have dealt with shit in my life. We have been through a lifetime worth of crap in the 13 years we’ve been together. The absolute worst was losing our daughter. I replay that day in my head all the time……..it’s been almost 7 years and not a day goes by that I don’t replay parts, if not all of that day in my head. I was on the cusp of my 6th month of pregnancy and I went into labor and it couldn’t be stopped because my water broke. The tried to save her but her lungs weren’t developed yet. I had to stay in that hospital and give birth to her knowing she wouldn’t be coming out alive. Knowing that usually when people find these times to be super happy, this for us was just the absolute opposite. I remember being so hysterical and the nurse coming in shooting my IV up with some drugs to calm me down…….I became numb ……I couldn’t grasp what was really happening….. When it was time to push I remember the room going perfectly silent and turning the most beautiful shades of this white light. I kept saying to my husband’s cousin to shut the blinds because the light was blinding me…. But she said they were already closed. I remember her being born….the room lighting up beautifully…..complete silence…(there were about 8 people in the room all talking between my family and doctors and nurses, yet there was not one noise for about 15 seconds as she was being delivered…..then all the commotion started again as she was whisked away to be cleaned off. This moment will never leave my mind……the beautiful light…the silence….( about a week later I brought this up to my mother, my sister and my husband’s aunt and cousin who were all in the room during her birth and asked them if they recall anything weird...just to see what they would say ( I thought it was the drugs they gave me)…..HOLY SHIT they all experienced the same thing!!!! It still gives me chills to think about it……. She was perfect like a little doll…we named her Ashleigh Joy…she even had little eyelashes…( I remember thinking, why God? Why did you give her eyelashes before lungs????!!!!!! And how I will still never understand how that all works)..we held her still little body and cried and said our goodbyes. It was the absolute worst day of my life. I don’t think I came out of shock for probably 6 months from that. I spent weeks into months coming home from work and going right to my bed to cry into my pillow…..I walked around in what I would call “fish bowl” syndrome. Where everything is going on around you but you feel like you are stuck in this glass ball, just meandering, to get through each day. All I wanted to know was why? Why us? They say things happen for a reason and in the moment we can’t see the trees through the woods….but there was a purpose to this significant event in our lives. At that time I had no clue what it was. I knew there is nothing that could have changed what happened as well but of course I spent forever blaming myself and anything else I could think of so I could put the blame somewhere…I had to put it somewhere or I would have gone crazy….after all…. How does shit like this happen? Who decides to take life away? Before it’s even really begun? Who decided to cheat Chief and I from being parents and leaving us to grieve in what seemed like the loneliest place one could ever ever be? Who the fuck makes these decisions???!!!!!
As it turned out what I have is a genetic disorder that affects me when I’m pregnant. The blessing that came along with losing Ashleigh is that I was able to find out what was wrong and my sister was able to carry her 2nd pregnancy to full term because of it. (Little did we know when her son was born at 10 weeks premature2 years prior to me losing my daughter, my sister also carries part of this genetic disorder). So losing Ashleigh was not totally in vain. Because we lost her, I now have my two other nephews as well and I have the most beautiful son on the planet. That’s right my faithful readers, I’m talking about Igor. (This isn’t his real name….if you have been following along since the beginning you know I like to make up names for the people in my life!) Anyway back to why I’m writing this particular blog and why I am dedicating it to my favorite little 4 year old……. I know I will never have my daughter back but she is forever on my mind. She comes to me in dreams and leaves my husband, Igor and myself feathers in our path when we least expect them…… I often spend my idle time wondering what would she have been like? I still cry, even 7 years later when I think about her and who she’d be today…… Who would she have looked like? Would she have my eyes, or Chief’s?
         Here’s the part that relates to all the life changes I have been making since the end of January of this year. Forever I blamed myself and buried my sorrow in food and depression. Food- always my comfort in the moment and yet my worst enemy all wrapped up in one. Even though the more I ate, the heavier I got, the more depressed I became. It was just one more hatch I could put on my board of things I couldn’t control in my life. I had absolutely no control over my desire to eat and appetite and ate more than I needed and always felt like crap afterwards….literally and figuratively. The birth of my son was the BEST day of my…or shall I say of OUR lives. After having lost so much…and then finally having him, it was like the world started new again. It took me about 4 years of having him to really put into perspective that I have one shot at this life…..one shot to live it and be healthy and raise a healthy happy child. One day a light switched on in January after talking to my best friend Jacqui and I said to myself I will no longer live the way I’ve been living. I don’t want to be tired anymore..I don’t want to be sluggish…I want to be able to play with my son and not get tired. I don’t want to keep carrying around these extra 100 lbs. I can’t function this way……I’m not living I was surviving….getting out of bed every day was just a chore…I was fucking miserable. I like to refer to the old me as a slug. Both chief and I actually….we were very inactive and ate crappy…. To this day after making the best decision ever with Isagenix….we are both on our way to health. We have both lost over 30 lbs and feel the best we ever have in all our lives. There isn’t one single regret I have about my decision to start this program. It is the best lifestyle change we could have made for ourselves. I even got through Easter with no desire to eat any of the normal crap and candy I would have in the past. I had a completely guilt free day. It was awesome. Every other year I would consider it a “cheat” day and would gorge myself til I felt ill. I didn’t even crave the foods rich foods that were all over the buffet table.….not even anything from Igor’s basket. I literally was happy and completely content eating my veggies and hummus for appetizer and for dinner I ate a piece of veggie lasagna and a big salad and could hardly finish it. I had a small plate of dessert…fresh fruit and a small piece of chocolate cake…. Felt awesome not feeling like shit when I woke up this morning too from overeating yesterday………SINCE I DIDN’T OVEREAT!
        So back to my son…. having my son not only completed our lives ………..he has saved my life. I look at him and know that he’s the reason I’m still here…he’s the reason I’m making such huge changes….My old lifestyle was a recipe for complete disaster……So I plan on sticking around to bug his ass when he’s older… He can push me around Target in my wheelchair just like I pushed his butt around in the carts for so long!

The Great Girdle Hurdle

         So there have been times in my life (quite a few actually) where I had to dress up for an occasion….Be it a wedding, a party, a shower, even a funeral.   Pretty much all of these occasions called for being somewhat dressy…..and even to the point where GASP! I wore a dress!  Those who know me and those who have read past blogs know that I do NOT like wearing dresses….. and not because I’m tom boyish in any way, I just don’t feel comfortable in them.  I don’t like my legs, I feel like I look like I have a potato sack on.  So on this one occasion……….I was at a dinner party.  To be more specific it was my work dinner party just this past December.  Now for some of you plus sized women like myself we like to tuck in the extra stuff we have to smooth out our appearance.  ( I did not want to look like a Shar Pei at my work dinner with wrinkled fat rolls hanging over bra straps under my dress etc.)   I don’t think I’m alone on this or the girdle industry wouldn’t be as big (no pun intended) as it is.  So knowing I was braving a dress this year, and not wanting to feel like a Vienna sausage stuffed in those mini tin cans they come in, I decided now is the time to spend a little money on a good girdle!

       I didn’t love the idea of wearing one because I figured they had to be clingy in order to work and I would just sweat more than I already do. But alas I wasn’t about to show up in a dress without SOMETHING helping me out.  So off I went to the store.  I knew what I had in mind so I went with a goal of getting in and getting out, not making eye contact, just full steam ahead to the granny panty section, make my selection and leave without making casual conversation with the cute 20 year old boy behind the register.  (One time I went to buy underwear and I was buying the high waist, beige, don’t be caught dead in front of your husband, that time of the month, kind…… and low and behold who checked me out? Some hottie with sparkling blue eyes and a killer smile. MOR-TI-FY-ING (That’s another story, equally as embarrassing, but for another time).  So back to my in and out get the girdle and be gone…… So unbeknownst to me, there are A LOT of different types of fat tucking, gut sucking girdles out there!  There are the leg and waist ones only, the ones that are like a skirt that go from the mid thigh to your rib cage.  The kind that go way way way up to your boobies and to your knees (or in my case just way up to your boobies, cuz they aren’t that “way way” up there anymore  after being pregnant and breastfeeding).  And then there’s the Mecca of all girdles……….the full body suit girdle………….Here was my answer…..  suck it ALL in all at one time- don’t have to worry about the thigh’s rubbing together OR the stomach bulging out OR the back fat showing through!!  Anyway, so I’m scouring the selections and now I’m getting super confused………..What SIZE am I?  Do I get just the extra large or do I go for the 1X because I don’t want to NOT be able to breathe????  Oh shit! More choices!  I’m not good with choices…….. So since I didn’t feel like even attempting to try that sucker on ( do people even do that with girdles? Try them on in a store??)  I grabbed that lovely nude shade of material and waltzed my ass up to the counter…paid and left.

         When I got home I was a wee bit nervous about trying this thing on.  I mean I’ve worn spanx before but just the ones that help tuck the tummy part.  This was a WHOLE different animal!  I laid it on the bed…it was fleshy and shiny looking…..very soft…. And I thought this is gonna feel pretty nice, what can possibly go wrong!  I tried it on, it fit fine…I stuffed it in the drawer so Chief wouldn’t see it when he got home.  That’s the last thing I wanted him to see me in.  Bad enough him having to see the bright pink bra’s with the extra extenders on the backs in ugly beige colors.  This was entirely too much to share with the man I’ve been with for 13 years.  NO way NO how was I even going let him know I was gonna wear that thing under my dress to make myself look better. 

         So the night of the party came,….I got dressed,…I was feeling decent.  The girdle was doing it’s job.  I had my underwear, then the panty hose, then the girdle, then a nice black wrap dress….it was cold as hell out, so I was grateful for the layers.  That was until half way through the evening when I had to pee.  Not thinking anything of it I go into the stall and go to pull down my pantyhose and underwear and realize my fucking girdle goes all the way up my back, over my chest, has arm holes and arm straps…………..and no crotch…………….not even a peeper hole to pull to the side to pee out of!!!!!!! Oh my God, Oh my God!  You have got to be kidding me???????  Who the fuck designed this piece of shit???? So guess what I had to do JUST so I could pee?  I had to get UNDRESSED!!!!!! In the stall……..that’s right! Everything had to come off just so I could pee!  Why oh why did I drink that second glass of wine?????? Oh and the 3 glasses of water……….. All the while a bunch of my co workers were in and out of the bathroom…probably wondering “what is taking her so long…..did she eat the crab cakes and they didn’t agree with her?”  No, no….I just bought the universe’s  worst girdle ever made and now I’m naked in the stall except for my bra and my jewelry just so I can take a piss…that’s all ladies….don’t mind the asshole in the bathroom for ten minutes, carry on…..carry on………go back out to the party and don’t mind me!  I’ll just be another 10 minutes getting RE-dressed for a party I already came dressed to! 

                So needless to say……..the moral of tonight’s story is this………… girdles suck ass……..(literally and figuratively) and I cannot wait til the day comes when I am at my goal weight and no longer have to worry about wearing one!  Oh and also…if you are gonna buy a girdle sure as shit make sure there’s a pee hole in that puppy!!!!!

Food Fright!!!!!

FOOD FRIGHT!!!

       Yes that’s right, you didn't read that wrong.  I said FRIGHT, not fight.  You got excited for a minute there, got a feeling you could relive those high school days in the cafeteria slinging “just add water” mashed potatoes at your friends, didn't you?  Sorry that’s just not this type of blog today.  Today’s blog is brought to you by the words “what” and “the fuck”……….. Meaning, what the fuck have we been putting in our mouths for all these years????  The last entry I mentioned about watching documentaries such as “Food, Inc.”, “The Future of Food” and one that my friend recommended “Food Matters”.  You can remain ignorant and turn your head like I had for so many years as to what is going on out there in our country with food, or you can open your eyes and do some research.  I can guarantee you won’t look at food the same way.  Or ignore it and keep turning an ignorant eye to it…totally up to you.  I chose the first option and super glad I did.

        Some of you may be thinking “who does this chick think she is?  When did she all of a sudden become the health nut?”  Let me enlighten you…I am someone who went from putting complete crap in my family’s and my own mouths every day, to someone who woke up and decided to make a change….and a HUGE change at that.  I’m not just talking about the Bon Bon’s and Twinkies we as a society have eaten over the years, (total culprit of that, times like a billion).  I am referring to things like our fruits, vegetables, meats, and grains.  Even the stuff you THINK is good for you these days???  Take another look… do some reading…watch a few YouTube videos here and there…...This is some scary shit.  I, being the normal consumer for the last 34 years, never even thought about it…that is until I started putting the RIGHT stuff in my body.  I went from someone who had terrible stomach issues all the time, a migraine countless days of the month, acid reflux up the WAZOO and zero energy (even when I was thin), the girl who could take a nap 30 minutes after I woke.  I never even got good nights sleep…most times I would take a Benadryl or even Nyquil to just sleep through the night……. My body was literally rotting from the inside out.  (Imagine that nasty ass visual people, but in so many ways it was true!  And if you are eating that same food off the shelves of a regular grocery store, yours are too)  I would take medication after medication for years.  Doctor after doctor trying to figure out the constant stomach troubles and the migraines……their answer?  MEDICATION…………lots and lots and LOTS of mediation.   Over the years if I added up all the freaking meds I was putting in my body, and you could look through my skin at my insides (ok that is so disturbing sounding, right? But just follow my lead here, try to get a visual)  I’d look like one of those big ass gumball machine’s you see….All sizes, all colors, all CRAP! None of it worked and most of it made things worse!  And the most terrible part of it is that sometimes the side effects were worse than the initial issue….So what is that telling us???  How is something that is supposed to help me, making things worse for me?  Medicine wasn't curing any of my problems, it maybe, and I use that word sooo loosely, it would MAYBE help in the “moment” but never ever in the long run to rid me of my many ailments.  As of January 31^st 2013, I have not had to put one pill in my mouth to get rid of any kind of issue.  What happened on January 31^st? I started the Isagenix program and it literally has changed my life.  Not just the thirty pounds I've lost so far but how I feel.  It is amazing how when you are eating the pure organic nutrition your body responds to it.  This is some exciting shit!  And the amazing part behind it is it is SO simple…it’s like DUH!         That food I was putting in my body before was poisoning me, literally.  It was poisoning my family too.   It was causing a plethora of health issues.  I finally stood up and took charge and was like “uh uh, no more!”  (There was totally a hair flip and two snaps in a circle when I said that…..and even a little head roll as I just typed it).  I felt what it was like to finally put the right stuff in, and in turn get the right stuff out.  By that I mean all this amazing real energy.  And sleep, oh my God the sleep is literally dreamy!!!!!  (That and Chief is also sleeping through the night, no more tossing and turning or snoring!!!! I don’t want to kill him anymore!!! Yay!! This is actually a win, win for both of us as you can imagine.) 

           So back to that part about all this energy.  As I told my friends I’ve met along this journey,  the other night my ass was on the treadmill (working out is totally optional, you don’t have to for Isagenix to work) but I had (and always have) so much energy I was literally dancing to the music on Pandora as I was jogging.  (I’m multi talented……….don’t be jealous.)  The first song that popped on to my iPhone was” Eye of the Tiger”…( I was totally Rocky Balboa-ing that shit, jogging and boxing the air, thankful that Chief was at a meeting so he couldn’t see me looking like a complete dufus, looking more like I was having a seizure than getting a work out, but who cares right? NOT ME!!!! ) That feeling that I am accomplishing something awesome totally got me even MORE pumped to go that extra mile.  Literally instead of my normal 3 mile’s I did four instead.   

     I impress myself every day with how far I’ve come in so little time.   My journey continues every day and not just the pounds that have come off, I mean more like the habits that have changed, and with little effort at all.  That is why this product is so amazing..There’s nothing else out there like it.  To be able to have this organic nutrition, eat it for free, AND make extra money to use however I want????? My food “fright” is not so frightening after all anymore!

STRAP ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND LET’S DO THIS! (Dedicated to Danielle, wink wink)

     If there was a catchy way to say this for men AND women I would have titled it that way but since men don’t wear panties (well some do, but that’s neither here nor there),  I had to change my verbiage to sound catchy.  OK, so here’s the damn deal people…if you want results you can’t half ass shit.  Seriously if you want to make a change it’s all or nothing.  Sure one little step at a time works too……but you are dragging that crap out.  Get serious and get in the damn game.  It’s time for a reality check.  I had my reality check in the beginning of January when I started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital.  I was terrified and the entire time in my head I knew a lot of what I was experiencing was because I was about 100 plus pounds overweight and leading an unhealthy life style.  Compound that shit with stress?  You are looking at a whole melting pot that could have potentially turned into one huge ass disaster.  I should be clearer on this…before all this stuff happened in January I already knew Chief and I were prime candidates for possibly heart disease, diabetes and God knows what else!  I knew the way Chief and I were living was risky.  We would eat crappy food more than not, and do take out 2-3 times a week. What the fuck was I teaching my 4 year old Igor???? ( For new readers who haven't read past entries, Igor is my "stage" name for my son).  I knew something needed to either change or one or both of us were going to end up with some major medical issue at a young age.   Thank God my friend Jacqui (love that girl more than anything) convinced me to try the Isagenix.
       I feel the need to explain a little more of what is going on with this program and how and why it works. Partly because being educated on it is important and partly because I’m tired of some of my friends looking at me like I have 3 heads when I talk about it. Of the three different plans they have, Healthy Aging, Athletic Performance and Weight Loss, clearly the weight loss package was the one for the hubster and me.  Since Chief also needed to lose weight we started it together.  We follow the plan as close as possible and have seen amazing, amazing results and feel wonderful on top of it.  Not everyone who starts this has a ton of weight to lose. I think that is where there is some confusion.  The idea behind it is to give yourself pure good 100% organic nutrition as opposed to what you were putting in your body before.  It’s a cellular cleanse people…and half-assing it or getting down on yourself  if you didn’t drop 10 pounds the first week is just silliness.  Rome wasn’t built in a damn day! You have to get the old crap out and the good stuff in to see results.  Also if you don’t have a significant amount to lose like we do, of course it isn’t going to fall off at lightning speed.  That is where I need to explain more… This program is about making you feel better…getting pure nutrition in you -the weight loss is a side effect of that.  As your cells are being cleaned, the visceral fat is no longer needed to protect your organs from the everyday toxins we have been putting in our bodies, therefore it releases that fat off of our bodies.  Sure you can go on eating the same old regular foods you did, even if it’s fruits, veggies, lean meats and low fat stuff, but the problem here is that it still holds tons of toxins, chemicals, anti-biotics, etc if it isn’t organic.  So let’s put it this way….if you don’t do the cleaning, you are going to eventually rebound and gain all that weight you lost back because your body is still toxic. And if you are like I was in the past, you will gain an extra 20 lbs on TOP of the that. (Trust me when I tell you this, I used to be the world’s biggest Yo-yo dieter because I never changed WHAT I ate.  I just changed the portions of it)……. I NEVER, EVER in a million years would have believed that this was legit until I put it into action.   I have also been doing some major research as to WHY it works because that is really important to me...if I’m going to do something I want to know why it is working, I want to know what I was doing wrong before to always get the same shitty ass results-losing and gaining, losing and gaining…rinse and fucking repeat…Never really feeling energized and still always feeling tired and as I like to put it…like a slug.
      I have watched and read some really informative stuff on all the toxins in our food and meat these days..It is some SCARY, CRAZY SHIT.  I will be honest I used to be one of those people who would make fun of people who ate all organic. ( Like seriously make fun of them….for real)   It’s called ignorance and I was a huge culprit of it.  Complete ignorance….I turned a blind eye to it because like they say “ignorance is bliss”.  Bliss? Really?  No ignorance is a fatty on the couch feeling like crap, eating Cheeto’s and brownies. When I started the Isagenix and immediately felt the difference..that is when I began to read up on the how’s and why’s.  I wanted and NEEDED to be informed.   Do yourselves a favor, whether you are a  man or woman,  read the book “Skinny Bitch” (Thank you Rosie for buying me that…it’s amazing) and watch these documentaries…”Food, Inc.” and “The Future of Food”.  You will never look at what you have been putting in your mouth the same again.  These are JUST a few……. But they will scare the crap out of you.  There is tons more…but these are some really good ones.

       I don’t want the already slimmer people thinking they are gonna go from 140 lbs in a month down to 110 just because Chief and I lost so much our first 30 days.  We are BIG people…we will have bigger, faster weight loss results then say a size 8 person.    So here comes the part about strapping on your big girl panties and doing it. (Usually, yes we take off our panties to “do it” but in this case we are putting them on! Get your freak minds out of the gutter people! Sheesh!)  Get your butt off the couch and get moving.  Sure the pounds of fat have been shedding off of the hubster and me, but we work at it too.  We decided to get our fat asses out of the lazy boy’s and start moving….. I can’t stress enough how working out makes you feel EVEN BETTER than just sitting there and letting the program do the work for you.  To the people out there who already work out you have half the success plan under your belt…now it’s a matter of getting the right nutrition in your body to clean your dirty, foul, shamefully toxic cells of all that nasty ass stuff.  (If my body were a classroom and my cells were the student’s their asses would have been in the principal’s office because they were so freaking bad!)
       Chief and I went from very inactive couch potatoes to movers and shakers.  We never had the energy before like we do now... I’ve never seen the Chief run……now he runs…..like for 40 minutes at a time.  Who is this sexy-ass hot man running on the treadmill in my house??????  Let me at him!  This man who used to house an entire pizza by himself before said to me the other day as he tied his running shoes “this is my favorite part of the day, getting on the treadmill”………….whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???  Who are you and what did you do with my husband?  At some point in time there has been and abduction of the old Chief and a new one set in his place. I mean don’t get me wrong I am LOVING this side of him…this side of us I should say….. We both work out now all the time, but nothing sexier than a man caring about how he looks and working hard to get to that point.  He strapped on his big girl panties, so to speak, on day one and has been putting every effort into becoming super healthy since….and has the weight loss to prove it.  People who haven’t seen him in awhile can’t believe what he looks like now.  I am so proud of the changes we have both made, but mostly for the changes he has made.  He is one stubborn ass man….I must admit I was so worried starting this, that he wouldn’t stick to it but holy shit Chief is a maniac! He never ceases to amaze me.  I am so happy to be on this journey with him.

      Let’s now talk about the new people on my team, who have joined up with us to embark on a better life for themselves.  I’m giving a shout out to Laura and Greg (you guys are ROCKING THIS SHIT)and getting amazing results, feeling super energized, dropping weight and are only about 2 weeks in and you are finding it so easy to follow.  Laura said to me she has not had any coffee since starting or diet soda (she was like me and drank that shit all day long to keep awake). Chantel started just a few days ago.  She has suffered for years going doctor to doctor feeling like hell, taking lots of different medications to no avail.  No one has been able to figure out what was wrong or help…on her first day in and she posted that she was able to get through her day without a struggle.  She did laundry, cleaned her house and played with her daughter.  These tasks were normally such a struggle for her.  She has also already quit smoking, feels fantastic and lost about 6 lbs.  My girl Lindsey, started 3 days ago and said to me today that she hasn’t been able to clean her apartment in so long because she’s felt like crap, and then today she felt so good from starting using the Isagenix that she cleaned her apartment!!! She also mentioned she hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in so long…..guess what people…her ass is sleeping soundly now!!!  HELLOOOOOOO can we say this is definitely something that works?!  It’s amazing when you put the right stuff in your body the stuff it can do! These results are just some testimonials from the people on my team.   I’m not here to shove the system down people’s throats. ….I’m here to tell you MY results so far and the results of the people I have shared the program with.   If you are interested in trying the plan, you know where to find me….. I’m so excited for my very good friend Eric to start his 30 day cleanse tomorrow.  I know he is going to feel amazing and it’s gonna benefit him beyond belief.
       So in closing, I know this was a very long entry.  I also know I needed to write it to explain about my journey, my husband’s journey and what YOUR journey can look like if you choose to take it.  Thank you to all my supporters out there...I'll catch up again soon....next time with a funny entry....for now I gotta go strap on those running shoes my friends, the treadmill is calling my name!

Victoria's Secret Ain't No Damn Secret At All

       Who IS this “Victoria” anyway?  Some skinny ass bitch no doubt….(Normally this would be a term of endearment for me…in this case she’s just a bitch).  Here’s her damn secret………She don’t carry SHIT in your size unless you’re the size “I weigh one”.   Do you want to know what the size “I weigh one “is?  It’s the size of my big toe.  If there was ever a place to make me feel even worse about myself it’s Victoria’s Secret.  The only time I get to shop in that store is when I go in for their buy 3 get 2 lotion deal thingy’s and the ONLY reason I think they started that shit is so plus sized women like me could at least walk in there and walk out with one of their cute little pink on pink striped bags.  ( I have to admit, I do feel a little pep in my step when I walk around carrying their bag at the mall)  Ok I’m exaggerating just slightly here…In the past I have bought stuff there.  Like the waaaay past….except I’ve bought a bra here and there in the last year or so.  The problem though is I always end up at the fabric store afterwards, getting those damn bra extenders!  You know those ugly ass 4 latchy thing-a-ma-hoodgies that you add to the clasp of the bra’s to make them fit fat backs? Yea story of my life for quite some time now.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is sexier or classier than a  $60.00 pink leopard push up bra with a white  or sometimes black, or maybe even beige (nothing sexy about beige people, I don’t care what you look like) bra extender attached to the back.  I’m sure Chief agrees with that 100%.  Kinda like when I haven’t shaved my legs for a few days and he says “I don’t mind” as he’s giving one of his stellar foot and calf massages….kinda like that….where I just know he’s lying through his  God damn teeth,  but just too sweet to admit it.  I would go as far to say it’s about as sexy as that chafage I sported that time after my 8 mile walk for March of Dimes. (My inner thighs just stung from retyping that shit)…  Ok well maybe not THAT bad.   I don’t think in the history of our 13 years together anything else has looked THAT bad.  Anyway, that is what I always end up needing when I buy a bra from good ol’ VS.  I DO love their overpriced stuff though. ( And why is it the less material there is, the more expensive that shit is? Who decided on that shit???)

                What I like even more is the large ass pictures of the perfectly air brushed skinny bitches plastered all over the store, sporting their boobsuptohere in each one.  I mean maybe call it jealousy, call it envy, sure as shit you’re right…I’m not gonna deny it….but those women are like a small 2% of the population right?  I don’t know about that percentage,  I could totally be pulling that number out of my ass…I like to make things up like that so I sound intelligent and like I know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t know me very well, there’s a good chance you believe me.  If you do, then let’s pretend that number is correct.  Anyway so 2% of the population looks like these VS models, maybe 1% even have glittery flowing angel wings attached, I’m sure as shit not positive on THAT statement but that would be totally kick ass if it were true.  Anyway, so I’m like the other 98% of the female race.  Ok well again, that is NOT true…I’m like one in a million really.  Those of you again, who know me, you’re truly blessed and very welcome.   Those of you who don’t,  get your asses in gear and drop me a line, add me as a friend, ask me anything you want.  As you can tell by my previous blogs about thigh chafage, swamp ass and bleeding nipples my life is an open book….Chief may think a little “too open”  but what does he know? 

             Ok back to the over the shoulder boulder holders.  Yea, I can’t really shop at VS and walk out a happy camper.  (Sometimes like I said previously,  I get to purchase 5 lotions and body sprays for the price of 3, but that really isn’t the same kind of “happy time”….that is more like just “ok time”.   My goal when I reach my target weight and body shape is NOT to become that 2%....it’s to still stay just the same person, just a lot slimmer, a little more kick ass ( if that is even a possibility), a lot more confident, maybe some boobies uptohere, and of course no more beige bra extenders!  I’m just on the cusp of losing 30 pounds in about 33 days. I still have a journey ahead of me but I am actually looking forward to each day as it goes by.  My life is changing for the better from Isagenix.  As my friend Laura and I say, by summer we are gonna be some skinny ass sexy bitches.  Look out Victoria, I see a shopping spree in the works!

The Fear of “Fitting” In

         I don’t necessarily mean “fitting in” where people like you, don’t like you or you are popular or not etc.  I’m awesome,…of COURSE people like me AND I’m popular .  I don’t even need to remind you all to laugh here, you already are! Really though, this entry is about “fitting” into things like rides at amusement parks, airplane seats, tight quarters where there are lots of people stuffed together such as elevators.  I have had this long living fear that I will go to either sit somewhere, get on a ride, try to squeeze in a spot and not be able to fit….that or worse, get STUCK!  I remember a few years back I was at one of my heaviest weights and I was at Six Flags Great Adventure with some friends.  Everyone wanted to go on the Runaway Train.  The entire day I spent not only sweating in the heat of summer but also dreading getting to the front of each line to see the size of the seats on each roller coaster.  I have always been a roller coaster junkie………..so for me this was very hard…..I’ve even had times when I would lie and say I wasn’t feeling well etc, just to avoid getting up to the ride and realizing I would have to squeeze my fat butt into a spot and be embarrassed and uncomfortable the whole ride.  Ok see I’ve gotten off “track” already, as I was talking about the Runaway Train ride………..I know I’m hilarious, right?  Ok so the train ride….waited in line forever…. Got to the front of the line and Chief and I tried to wedge ourselves together into the same car next to each other.  What the fuck were we thinking? It was impossible!  The attendant made me get up and move back a spot to sit with this skinny ass teenage boy.  How freaking embarrassing!  Right in front of our friends too!    Just this past summer alone we were in Wildwood and hubster and I decided we wanted to do the roller coaster that goes forwards then backwards……. We got in next to each other and it was the absolute most uncomfortable thing ever.  I think I spent the entire ride in pain because my hips were digging into the lap bar.  And let’s not forget about the bar that goes over your head….the attendant went to push it down and couldn’t push it down far enough so he had to leave it on a looser setting, and the entire time I was panicking that I was going to fall out of the rollercoaster seat in the upside down loop de loops and die a splattery, fat mess!  I’m actually still here, so for all of you who panicked for me when just reading that last line or two…no worries peeps,…here I am!!!!  The saddest part of all of this is the things I have been missing out on with my 4 year old Igor.  All the fairs and amusement parks we have been to and I’ve been to big to even want to try to go on the rides he begs me to go on with him. It has been very depressing to say the least since I will never ever get these years back with him.

 So in walked Isagenix into my life and is changing it for the better and forever. Not just for me but for Chief too.  We were living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle before.  Always tired, lazy, ate crappy food, etc.   Twenty-two pounds in 23 days later…this fat butt is getting smaller every day! ..By summer time this gal is getting on those little race car ride thingy’s with Igor and I’m gonna tear ass around the track with him, finally able to enjoy his childhood with him and no longer sitting on the side lines eating a cheeseburger !   I feel like a gagillion bucks………that’s right…that’s waaaaaaaaay better than a million people!  I’m building my team of rock stars joining in the crusade to becoming healthy and each of them are gonna rock it just like Chief and I are.  They may not be hilariously funny like me but none the less they are killin it!!!!  So today’s moral……….today is your day to change your life…not tomorrow..no more excuses.  As one of my Isa-buddies posted on her wall the other day….something along the lines of “it’s time to write your own story.  Stop giving someone else the pen!”  Before I was living to eat…now I’m eating to live…and feeling better than I ever have in my entire life.  For once I feel like I’m in control of my own story!!!!!!

THE GREAT SPORTS BRA SNAFU...AND THE SWAMP ASS TRAGEDY

        I am one of those people who laugh when they see someone fall.  Sure, once I get my laugh out I will rush over to help them...but none the less I cannot, absolutely cannot help myself from laughing first.  Call me an asshole if you want, you know you do it to!  Except if you witness me fall or even trip...you better not be laughing...except if it's with me, because I laugh even when I fall....sometimes I trip over flat surfaces...that's just how good I really am.  It's not always a plant on your ass fall on your face kind of deal.....more of a trip...turn my walk into a little jog and pretend I meant to do that type of deal.  If you have ever seen Ellen's comedy show you all know exactly what I'm talking about.  Where you trip...turn your walk into a quick jog and look back pretending you tripped on something.  Totally happens to me all the time....and of course always in public.  However...this post is not about tripping.  This post is about bleeding nipples (that would make a cool name for a band!)  and swamp ass.  Yep!  You read that right.
       Let's all now discuss the importance of a good fitting sports bra.  I have never been well endowed so to speak.  I think even at my heaviest I was only ever a C cup.  The twins are no longer firm and perky like they were in my hay-day before children.  Now they are more like saggy balloons filled with sand.  All you ladies out there, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  The problem is, not only are they no longer firm, from all the fluctuating of weight from failed diets, and breastfeeding etc, these bitches have stretch marks on em too!  (Good thing I keep the lights off when Chief and I are going down to funky town).  However he loves me so much he doesn't even care.  It's me with the issues on the twins.  Okay so back to the sports bra issue.  Ladies, (and any gents that have man boobs and may be seeking advice on support for them during a workout)  PLEASE PLEASE make sure you get a sports bra that "fits" correctly.  Also, don't buy a cheap one. Here is my reasoning.  I had gone to Walmart and bought a cheap ass sports bra...at the time not really thinking much on quality of it since I don't have much to support, so I went for the cheapy $8.00 one and because I was being cheap, I got it in a size to big.  Big fucking mistake on my part.... I put it on...all felt okay so I went to the gym (this was not any time recently, this was  during one of my yo-yo diets)  anyway, first day not to bad....I could tell that the bra was a tad big, and I was a bit sore after my venture on the treadmill but nothing terrible....day two.....it was a little worse, but it was either I wore this shitty sports bra or I went booby commando.........In my own house this is acceptable....in a gym where there are fabulous looking men and women who sweat dew drops?  No thanks! And I was too cheap and lazy to go back to the store to get another better fitting, better quality one.  So the third day in a row at the gym I was killing myself on the treadmill........and as I'm jogging, my boobs started to really hurt.... remember my story prior to this one about the thigh chafage?  Well this shit can happen to tits too!  Let's combine small tits, too big of a cheap ass sports bra, some sweat and lots of jiggly movement.  What do we get?  We get sore ass bloody nipples!  You guessed it friends, I couldn't take the pain anymore so I hopped off the treadmill and went to the locker room.  Got into the bathroom stall, lifted my shirt and my girls were bleeding!  Do you see what happens when this chic tries to work out and do something good for herself?  So yea... the next few days I had to wear baggy t-shirts and slather neosporin on my upper lady bits til that shit healed.
        I know I said this blog was also about swamp ass... and here I am not failing to fill you in on all my trials and tribulations on all my past experiences with weight loss and exercise escapades.  When I finally felt ok enough and my nips were healed up nicely and my ass stopped being so cheap and bought a decent maidenform sports bra, I headed back to the gym.  This time I headed there in dark gray yoga pants...........and got on the treadmill.  Now....you know when you sweat in the summer time....especially if it's so ungodly hot...you have been sitting forever and you get up and you just know you have crack sweat....well here I am feeling proud of myself that I got my ass back to the gym, yet that very same ass I was just so proud of was now producing sweat!  Now I remember why I always wore black pants to the fucking gym.  I am feeling the sweat dripping down my crack ...Please oh please don't let it be showing through is all I kept thinking.......... I allowed myself 5 more minutes on the treadmill as to make make it seem obvious that something was wrong before I hopped off and waltzed my ass back to the locker room again. Holy shit it looked like my butt peed my pants!  So now all I'm thinking is I have to walk BACK out of this damn place with no sweatshirt to wrap around my waist or anything.  I guess if I were a size 4 at the time I maybe wouldn't care that my butt was sweating because hell you're a size 4 and look good, who cares if your butt pees..............but I was about 260 lbs and soooo terribly embarrassed.  I quickly made my way out of the gym into my car.  It wasn't long after that that Chief bought me my own treadmill.  Moral of today's story my faithful readers : Bleeding nipples is not just a good name for a rock band it can really happen if you aren't careful with your tits and sports bra selections............and our butts REALLY CAN pee!

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…….

        Okay, I am not referring to myself as a horse………a cow sometimes in the past…maybe even a whale, but not a horse.  (Remember folks, this was my old mind set!).  My new mindset is I’m a bad-ass treadmill Goddess!  (Insert belly laugh here).  What am I saying?  You are already laughing without my even having to tell you to! Okay, so back to leading a horse to water.  I have never….and when I say never I mean never, ever ever, liked water. My water came in the form of iced tea or coffee with Sweet and Low or Splenda or Equal, or diet soda, or even chocolate milk.  (Yes I’m aware…..milk is milk not water….now hush up and keep reading!)  I hated water unless I was so famished and there was nothing else to drink.  Diet Dr. Pepper was my “go to” drink for meals…if that wasn’t available it was any other diet soda…… that or iced tea with about 3 packet’s of Splenda (calorie free right? This can’t hurt me!)  I used to use artificial sweeteners ALL the time, I mean all the time, even when I would bake…. as if it wasn’t harmful to me.  I know now how wrong I am.  After starting Isagenix and no longer craving the sugar or needing that diet soda I decided to do some research……….here are some of the “ingredients” in artificial sweeteners: Erythritol,  Hydrogenated starch,  hydrolysate, Isomalt, Lactitol, Maltitol, Mannitol ..Just among a few… half of them I can hardly pronounce (would love to see those smart ass kids in those national spelling bee’s spell some of that shit and still win!)

        So really, what the fuck have I been ingesting and poisoning my body with ALL these years!  Oh my god…..it’s true how they say ignorance is bliss.  Ignorance and denial, really.  In the back of my head I always knew it wasn’t great for me, but I was desperate to cut calories whenever possible, so I didn’t care enough about myself to stop using it.   I can gladly say as of today, day 20 on Isagenix…the only beverage I have consumed has been water……I even add some essential oils to it to liven it up a bit.  I use the Young Living ones…in the citrus flavors.  Orange is my favorite, followed by grapefruit oil.  Three drops and my water is now my new best friend.  I can’t even imagine drinking all that other crap again.  Not only for the fact of all the chemicals I was ingesting but because the Isagenix has turned a switch on in my brain that causes me to not even want the sugary tastes anymore.  Awesome, awesome feeling!  I know I  drink more than my 6-8 recommended glasses a day of purified water…I usually have about 2-3 every 2 hours from 6 am to 8 pm…..and I’ve never felt better.  No guilt,…no poisoning my body with chemicals, no wondering if I will grow a third arm or leg in the future…or worse, a fourth nipple…..wait……. isn’t three the standard?  Oh………….er………..well anyway… this is just another new “habit” I have taken on since starting the Isagenix and I will never go back!  So here’s my PSA to all my faithful readers………….DRINK YOUR WATER PEEPS!  Bottoms Up!!!!

Self Admitted Scale Whore

        

        I hate to weigh myself.  Ok, actually let me rephrase that…I hate to weigh myself when I know I’m eating like shit and I can feel the pounds creeping on…when I just know  I’m gaining weight.  Then the minute I start losing weight look the fuck out my ass is on that scale every day....I strip on down in the morning, use the bathroom and hop on the scale (not necessarily in that order) I don't generally sit on the toilet naked...........too much skin exposed and the bathroom light really doesn't do my olive tone JUSTICE.  Anyway, there have been days when my ass was on that scale 2-3 times maybe even more.  I remember many-a-times in my past when I would down laxatives and make my way to the scale over and over and over throughout the day to see if it changed...even if it was .2 lbs...shit people it's a decimal point of a fucking pound and in my brain THAT is what mattered...it was still a loss for me.  Victory.  Victory that came at a price.  Not only was I doing some major, major damage to my insides with laxatives or even when I would vomit up what I ate, but psychologically the amount of damage I was putting on myself was unbearable.  In my head I knew what I was doing was completely wrong, but when you are at your lowest of lows, it didn't matter....the only thing that mattered was the number on the scale.  
         I am trying very hard to work on this.  I got the other parts under control.  No more bulimic episodes, no more starving myself, no more laxatives, etc.   I still have that devil that sits on my shoulder that says "you're fat", "you're not worth it", and a plethora of other awful things.  Most days I'm able to flick her off my shoulder and stomp her away........other days the pain of my (even recent) past and eating habits haunt me.  I know this is a journey...not a quick fix.  Every day I'm learning more about my strength and the right way to do things.  Every day I try to look in that mirror and say one nice thing about myself.  This is not an easy task when for a good part of 34 years I've been telling myself the opposite.  People who see me on the outside would never guess my inner struggles...my extreme self consciousness or how I've let my terrible views of myself run my life.  Ever since I can remember people perceive me as this super happy girl, always smiling, or comment on how I can command a room with my presence (in a good way of course).  However I have always been the first person to also make fun of myself or make a fat joke about myself....the reason for this is because if I did it first, I beat everyone else to it.  (The saddest part about it is they were probably never going to make any fat jokes at all, but in my head I had to beat them to it!)
        People see me and see a big bright smile...when most of the time I would be crying inside.  Trying to escape the feeling like I was never good enough.  I'm learning every single day how to love myself.  The beauty of the Isagenix is that it helps so much with that.  Before I started on the lifestyle change I would always be tired and dragging my ass through each day.....kinda like I was just "existing" each moment.  This caused a lot of depression.  With all of this new found energy I'm like a new person.  Mentally and quite quickly, physically as well.  The physical part will get there.  I know it takes time.  I know there are no real quick fixes......and that was always my mistake in the past.  I wanted instant results, and if I didn't get them I would punish myself for it.  Not anymore.  I found a life changing product that I know works,...I know it makes me feel amazing and I'm seeing results all at the same time.  I'm working every day on not getting on the scale.  Lately it's a lower number each time.  19.4 lbs in 19 days..........but who's counting right??