The Great Girdle Hurdle

         So there have been times in my life (quite a few actually) where I had to dress up for an occasion….Be it a wedding, a party, a shower, even a funeral.   Pretty much all of these occasions called for being somewhat dressy…..and even to the point where GASP! I wore a dress!  Those who know me and those who have read past blogs know that I do NOT like wearing dresses….. and not because I’m tom boyish in any way, I just don’t feel comfortable in them.  I don’t like my legs, I feel like I look like I have a potato sack on.  So on this one occasion……….I was at a dinner party.  To be more specific it was my work dinner party just this past December.  Now for some of you plus sized women like myself we like to tuck in the extra stuff we have to smooth out our appearance.  ( I did not want to look like a Shar Pei at my work dinner with wrinkled fat rolls hanging over bra straps under my dress etc.)   I don’t think I’m alone on this or the girdle industry wouldn’t be as big (no pun intended) as it is.  So knowing I was braving a dress this year, and not wanting to feel like a Vienna sausage stuffed in those mini tin cans they come in, I decided now is the time to spend a little money on a good girdle!

       I didn’t love the idea of wearing one because I figured they had to be clingy in order to work and I would just sweat more than I already do. But alas I wasn’t about to show up in a dress without SOMETHING helping me out.  So off I went to the store.  I knew what I had in mind so I went with a goal of getting in and getting out, not making eye contact, just full steam ahead to the granny panty section, make my selection and leave without making casual conversation with the cute 20 year old boy behind the register.  (One time I went to buy underwear and I was buying the high waist, beige, don’t be caught dead in front of your husband, that time of the month, kind…… and low and behold who checked me out? Some hottie with sparkling blue eyes and a killer smile. MOR-TI-FY-ING (That’s another story, equally as embarrassing, but for another time).  So back to my in and out get the girdle and be gone…… So unbeknownst to me, there are A LOT of different types of fat tucking, gut sucking girdles out there!  There are the leg and waist ones only, the ones that are like a skirt that go from the mid thigh to your rib cage.  The kind that go way way way up to your boobies and to your knees (or in my case just way up to your boobies, cuz they aren’t that “way way” up there anymore  after being pregnant and breastfeeding).  And then there’s the Mecca of all girdles……….the full body suit girdle………….Here was my answer…..  suck it ALL in all at one time- don’t have to worry about the thigh’s rubbing together OR the stomach bulging out OR the back fat showing through!!  Anyway, so I’m scouring the selections and now I’m getting super confused………..What SIZE am I?  Do I get just the extra large or do I go for the 1X because I don’t want to NOT be able to breathe????  Oh shit! More choices!  I’m not good with choices…….. So since I didn’t feel like even attempting to try that sucker on ( do people even do that with girdles? Try them on in a store??)  I grabbed that lovely nude shade of material and waltzed my ass up to the counter…paid and left.

         When I got home I was a wee bit nervous about trying this thing on.  I mean I’ve worn spanx before but just the ones that help tuck the tummy part.  This was a WHOLE different animal!  I laid it on the bed…it was fleshy and shiny looking…..very soft…. And I thought this is gonna feel pretty nice, what can possibly go wrong!  I tried it on, it fit fine…I stuffed it in the drawer so Chief wouldn’t see it when he got home.  That’s the last thing I wanted him to see me in.  Bad enough him having to see the bright pink bra’s with the extra extenders on the backs in ugly beige colors.  This was entirely too much to share with the man I’ve been with for 13 years.  NO way NO how was I even going let him know I was gonna wear that thing under my dress to make myself look better. 

         So the night of the party came,….I got dressed,…I was feeling decent.  The girdle was doing it’s job.  I had my underwear, then the panty hose, then the girdle, then a nice black wrap dress….it was cold as hell out, so I was grateful for the layers.  That was until half way through the evening when I had to pee.  Not thinking anything of it I go into the stall and go to pull down my pantyhose and underwear and realize my fucking girdle goes all the way up my back, over my chest, has arm holes and arm straps…………..and no crotch…………….not even a peeper hole to pull to the side to pee out of!!!!!!! Oh my God, Oh my God!  You have got to be kidding me???????  Who the fuck designed this piece of shit???? So guess what I had to do JUST so I could pee?  I had to get UNDRESSED!!!!!! In the stall……..that’s right! Everything had to come off just so I could pee!  Why oh why did I drink that second glass of wine?????? Oh and the 3 glasses of water……….. All the while a bunch of my co workers were in and out of the bathroom…probably wondering “what is taking her so long…..did she eat the crab cakes and they didn’t agree with her?”  No, no….I just bought the universe’s  worst girdle ever made and now I’m naked in the stall except for my bra and my jewelry just so I can take a piss…that’s all ladies….don’t mind the asshole in the bathroom for ten minutes, carry on…..carry on………go back out to the party and don’t mind me!  I’ll just be another 10 minutes getting RE-dressed for a party I already came dressed to! 

                So needless to say……..the moral of tonight’s story is this………… girdles suck ass……..(literally and figuratively) and I cannot wait til the day comes when I am at my goal weight and no longer have to worry about wearing one!  Oh and also…if you are gonna buy a girdle sure as shit make sure there’s a pee hole in that puppy!!!!!