Who IS this “Victoria” anyway? Some skinny ass bitch no doubt….(Normally
this would be a term of endearment for me…in this case she’s just a
bitch). Here’s her damn secret………She don’t
carry SHIT in your size unless you’re the size “I weigh one”. Do you want to know what the size “I weigh
one “is? It’s the size of my big
toe. If there was ever a place to make
me feel even worse about myself it’s Victoria’s Secret. The only time I get to shop in that store is
when I go in for their buy 3 get 2 lotion deal thingy’s and the ONLY reason I
think they started that shit is so plus sized women like me could at least walk
in there and walk out with one of their cute little pink on pink striped bags. ( I have to admit, I do feel a little pep in
my step when I walk around carrying their bag at the mall) Ok I’m exaggerating just slightly here…In the
past I have bought stuff there. Like the
waaaay past….except I’ve bought a bra here and there in the last year or
so. The problem though is I always end
up at the fabric store afterwards, getting those damn bra extenders! You know those ugly ass 4 latchy
thing-a-ma-hoodgies that you add to the clasp of the bra’s to make them fit fat
backs? Yea story of my life for quite some time now. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is sexier
or classier than a $60.00 pink leopard
push up bra with a white or sometimes
black, or maybe even beige (nothing sexy about beige people, I don’t care what
you look like) bra extender attached to the back. I’m sure Chief agrees with that 100%. Kinda like when I haven’t shaved my legs for
a few days and he says “I don’t mind” as he’s giving one of his stellar foot and
calf massages….kinda like that….where I just know he’s lying through his God damn teeth, but just too sweet to admit it. I would go as far to say it’s about as sexy
as that chafage I sported that time after my 8 mile walk for March of Dimes.
(My inner thighs just stung from retyping that shit)… Ok well maybe not THAT bad. I don’t think in the history of our 13 years
together anything else has looked THAT bad.
Anyway, that is what I always end up needing when I buy a bra from good
ol’ VS. I DO love their overpriced stuff
though. ( And why is it the less material there is, the more expensive that
shit is? Who decided on that shit???)
What I like even
more is the large ass pictures of the perfectly air brushed skinny bitches
plastered all over the store, sporting their boobsuptohere in each one. I mean maybe call it jealousy, call it envy,
sure as shit you’re right…I’m not gonna deny it….but those women are like a
small 2% of the population right? I don’t
know about that percentage, I could
totally be pulling that number out of my ass…I like to make things up like that
so I sound intelligent and like I know what I’m talking about. If you don’t know me very well, there’s a
good chance you believe me. If you do,
then let’s pretend that number is correct.
Anyway so 2% of the population looks like these VS models, maybe 1% even
have glittery flowing angel wings attached, I’m sure as shit not positive on
THAT statement but that would be totally kick ass if it were true. Anyway, so I’m like the other 98% of the
female race. Ok well again, that is NOT
true…I’m like one in a million really. Those
of you again, who know me, you’re truly blessed and very welcome. Those
of you who don’t, get your asses in gear
and drop me a line, add me as a friend, ask me anything you want. As you can tell by my previous blogs about
thigh chafage, swamp ass and bleeding nipples my life is an open book….Chief
may think a little “too open” but what
does he know?
Ok back to the over the shoulder boulder holders. Yea, I can’t really shop at VS and walk out a
happy camper. (Sometimes like I said
previously, I get to purchase 5 lotions
and body sprays for the price of 3, but that really isn’t the same kind of “happy
time”….that is more like just “ok time”.
My goal when I reach my target
weight and body shape is NOT to become that 2%....it’s to still stay just the
same person, just a lot slimmer, a little more kick ass ( if that is even a possibility),
a lot more confident, maybe some boobies uptohere, and of course no more beige
bra extenders! I’m just on the cusp of
losing 30 pounds in about 33 days. I still have a journey ahead of me but I am
actually looking forward to each day as it goes by. My life is changing for the better from
Isagenix. As my friend Laura and I say,
by summer we are gonna be some skinny ass sexy bitches. Look out Victoria, I see a shopping spree in the
works!
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