Self loathing is
by far one of the worst traits a person can possess. I say this from firsthand experience. I say this because from the time I was little
until just recently this was my
life. I was always the bright, happy, Susie
sunshine person from the outside, big smile, shoulder to cry on friend, pick
you up when you are feeling down, make you laugh til you wanted to pee (or so I’ve
been told) etc. etc….. But inside I was always falling apart… I hid it well….or
so I thought. Clearly by me saying I hid
it well is a tad false…..this is where the anxiety meds came in, the
anti-depressants, the emotional breakdowns and panic attacks …… I guess really
I just masked it all. My life inside my own mind was exactly what I
titled this post…an emotional roller coaster.
And this NAKED chic wanted to get OFF!!!! One minute I would be happy, the next I could
be in a pile of tears sitting in the bathroom because I just hated how I looked
and felt about myself.
I don’t know exactly where this all started….I
have my ideas…when I was younger I was compared by people a lot to my beautiful
blonde haired, blue eyed sister. She was
always slim, with long straight hair….and when people would see us together it
was almost like instant comparison…some would even say “she’s blonde and blue
eyed, where did YOU come from?” Like
that was really an odd question since my father and I have the same coloring
(Asses). I always had a boyfriend, so
it wasn’t that guys didn’t find me attractive but I myself, never ever saw what
they saw. I always compared myself to my
older sister. She was like this goddess
I would look up to….We would fight like cats and dogs when we were younger,
like sisters that are 2 years apart often do.
I would steal her clothes so I could feel like her when I was at school
and then before she got home I would hang them back up in her closet so she wouldn’t
know….She always found out….. My lying and sleuthing skills are for lack of a
better word, non-existent. She would ask
me if I wore something and I just didn’t know how to lie….(that or she could
smell the perfume I wore on the clothes I’m not too sure)……not only do I hate
liars, I just cannot do it…I SUCK at it!
Anyway I think from grade school that is where it stemmed from…when she
started to come into her own and I was always kinda in her shadow. It’s funny because even to this day I still
look up to her and envy her. I don’t
blame anyone for that, as it is in the past, but if I had to pinpoint a time in
my life where this all began I would say it was probably around grade school.
You know when
you watch those talk shows about those beautiful women who would think nothing
about them is attractive, and they simply just saw flaws when they looked in
the mirror? Well that was me….I mean to
an extent….I never spent money on plastic surgery to change my appearance or
anything, but I will admit I always wished I had the money to alter what parts
of me I didn’t like. That would have
taken a boat load of money. I’m also a
Libra and we are very vain, so maybe my damn astrological sign has made it
harder for me to accept who I am on the outside …who writes that shit because
my sign is me to a freakin T and that is
scary! ..I guess in a way I am vain because I spent years upon years judging
myself on my appearance. The funny thing
is I never judge anyone else on their appearance…..just myself. I know we are our own worst critics….I’m the
Roger Ebert of the Tracey show. He’s got
nothing on me with his thumbs up and thumbs down shit….I am the queen at
judging and critiquing myself. In my
past I could have easily pointed out 10 things wrong with me physically before
I said one nice thing about
myself. What the fuck???????? That’s certainly no way to live! Yet it’s
exactly how I lived. My husband would
pay me a compliment and here’s what would go on in my head…”he’s only saying
that because he’s my husband and he has to”……….UGHHHHHHHHHHH!
It’s been about 12
weeks now, since I started changing my life.
Not only have I changed my outward appearance by using the Isagenix
system (which I will be forever grateful for, and a lifetime user of as they
have saved my life, literally and figuratively) but every day when I look in
the mirror now I see something about myself that I like and I make a point to
say something positive. That emotional
rollercoaster that I used to ride each and every day is almost nonexistent
anymore. I’m a better mom too. My stress level is so much lower than it used
to be (thank you Ionix Supreme…my Isagenix buddies will know what I am talking
about with that!) I had so much self
hate inside of me I would fly off the handle much easier before, I would stress
about everyday life occurrences….all in all I wasn’t a very happy person on the
inside, regardless of what I showed my friends and family on the outside… It
was almost like a dirty little secret. It’s
funny now, I find myself still waiting in line to get back on that emotional
rollercoaster where I used to travel daily….however with the changes I’ve made,
I don’t ever see that happening again. I
have the tools now to make sure that never ever happens again…
I ask every one of my
friends to be a bit cheesy today and give yourself a pat on the back or even a
nice long hug, hey if you want to make out with yourself in the mirror that’s
your prerogative, I won’t judge….but it’s time we all start liking ourselves a
little more…… and if you know someone who may be stuck on those fucking loop de
loops of emotions, how about stopping that rollercoaster and taking their hand
and helping them out. People need to see
how awesome they really are and the beauty that not only lies on the outside
but within. (Damn! I could be a Hallmark card writer!...I’m in the wrong
business!) It took me years and years to
come to this realization that I really am beautiful….. even if I am no super
model, even if I may never be a size 4……(I’ll settle for a size 6…… snicker,
snicker…in all honesty with the plan I’m on it’s absolutely a realistic goal
and I’m excited to get there!) I am worth putting in the time and energy to
love myself….do I think it’s true what they say…”you can’t love someone until
you love yourself”? I more or less think
that quote should say “you can’t accept someone else’s love until you love
yourself”..that sounds more like it fits my journey…..…….. Start loving
yourselves people…. Or you just may find me on your doorstep with open arms
ready to hug the shit out of you, just to give you some love that you deserve! I’m a really good house guest though, you may
not want me to leave…I can make you laugh, I am a kick ass cook, and I like
doing dishes…….. But in all seriousness, let’s start loving everything about
ourselves…from the outside in….I promise you your whole outlook on life will
change for the better!
My new bucket list includes becoming a motivational speaker………..but
I guess I better brush up on my verbiage,…I don’t think the word “fuck” is very
acceptable at public events. Have a
happy weekend readers! And remember, go
give yourself a pat on the back or a juicy wet mirror kiss!!!!!!!!
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