THE GAS SMELLED ROUND THE WORLD (the bodily functions that ran my life)

Because I have no problem laying it all out there anymore (the old me NEVER would have shared all these personal stories but that is where all these awesome changes have come into play with my new life.)…because I now have no shame about what my life WAS….I want to share my worst moments…along with my best because I know I can be the voice of many who are afraid to step up and talk or afraid to take that first leap to better themselves…I want to inspire people to do that….

 I’m gonna share a little story about my past health issues.  I may or may not use the word “fuck” throughout….one can never be too sure…..Ok who am I kidding?…that word will be sprinkled about in every blog I’m pretty sure.  Before Isagenix, my stomach was one hot fucking mess (see, there it is….already).  By hot mess, I mean I am 34 years old….and have already had 3 colonoscopies in my lifetime.  Don’t be jealous… although we all know how much fun it sounds to drink this nasty salty saline that they “flavor” with lime and ginger to make it more palpable…..I will tell you first hand…FUCK NO it is the WORST tasting stuff ever…and it has forever tainted my ability to drink limeade again (because that is what my doctor recommended I put it in to help with the flavor) NOTHING can help with that flavor, let’s just be very clear on THAT!….Then you get to shit your brains out for hours and I mean HOURS, go to the hospital the next morning looking  like hell and feeling weak and nauseous  because you can’t eat or drink… and THEN you get to have a camera shoved up your hiney along with a steady stream of air, all while they have you under anesthesia and all the people in the room get to see your bits and pieces without you remembering squat about it.  Afterwards and here’s the REAL gem….. you get to lay in the bed in a “recovery room” with just a thin curtain separating you and alllllllllll the other post procedure patients…..and you get to………. FART………..yep!  You read that right….you get to (they make you) fart and fart and fart out ALL that air they blew up your ass while you were knocked out. The nurses would make it sound like it was just SO easy to rip one in front of (or at least next to a curtain) that separated you from a complete stranger.  I have a farting complex…………this would NEVER be easy for me….. How much fun right?  So not once, not twice but three times I have had to do this….It never got easier any time. 

The reason I had to do this is because I have always had the worst stomach…I would eat and I would be in the bathroom within minutes…it would go right through me.  I have been from specialist to specialist….no one had any idea except “IBS” was the answer I got…each and every time.  No one saying what was staring them AND me in the face all along yet no one ever brought it up?  NO one ever thought well maybe it’s the shit you eat…..it took me two more colonoscopies and about 8 more years of these stomach issues to figure out it was the crap I was putting in my body…and I don’t just mean the fried foods…it was literally everything… the sauces, the dairy, all that processed junk, the diet sodas and artificial sweeteners….I was filling my stomach up with…wasn’t just putting the pounds on me but it was also making me toxic and that was my body’s way of rejecting that shit….literally and figuratively.

Since beginning Isagenix I have not had ONE single bout of IBS………this is how I know that it was the food that I used to put in my body that was causing years and years of distress on my stomach and my toilet!  Obviously Isagenix cannot claim to cure anything as it is just pure whole food organic nutrition…but first hand I KNOW it has changed my life and my bowels for the better!

***A little side note about my first time having a colonoscopy…. For some reason I thought it would be a wonderful idea to go for all you can eat wings the night after the colonoscopy was finished….(No one ever needs “all you can eat” by the way …of anything) ……. But anyway….so after having a completely empty stomach, a camera and air shoved up my bum that morning…I decided that wings were what I wanted to eat…and BOY did I have my fair share of the “all you can eat”………So anyway, on the way home…of course…my stomach started to feel icky, as always….….Chief was driving (we were still just dating at this time)….we were about 5 minutes from home and I had to fart……..and I mean I had to fart worse than I ever had to fart in my life…there was still air stuck up in me from the morning’s treat of a procedure….and I just didn’t realize it til I added the fried wings on top of that….So I let it rip…..and THANK GOD it was silent……………….but HOLY HELL it was also DEADLY…………. I quick rolled down the window….. Hoping,….. PRAYING, Chief wouldn’t get a whiff and it would just make it’s way out of the window. This sucker was LINGERING!  It would not, COULD not find it’s way out the open window to relieve us of it’s stench….OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD….FUCK FUCK FUCK!  He’s gonna smell it and KNOW it was me…..he’s not gonna wanna keep dating me!  This is the shit that was going through my head….. So I had to fess up and say “I’m sorry if you smell that…My stomach is still full of air and I didn’t think it would stink”………………Chief turned to me, with a big ol’ grin on his face and said “holy shit babe! That was AWESOME!!!!! I thought we just passed a shit truck or something!”……………and that my friends is part of the reason I married that man………

5K OR BUST (Dedicated to my new friend and trainer)

Ok, so as I mentioned previously in another post, I am training to run a 5K.  Now some of you may be thinking big deal…it’s 3.1 miles…..Actually when you say it like that it doesn’t sound bad at all really. I mean I do 3 miles on the treadmill almost every day……..yet I don’t “run”….I actually walk fast, uphill for my treadmill workouts.  Running is a whole other fucking ball game for me (See I never cease to use that word when needed).  This 5K was not my idea………actually I shy away from anything that has to do with running because I literally SUCK at it, and I get the nervous poop pains when I even think someone is gonna ask me to run with them.  Go ahead and laugh, I know I’m not alone in this!  I get out of breath too easily, I get pains in my calves, or stitches in my side….It’s a whole plethora of issues that arise when I try to run ….so I’ve just always avoided it at all costs…kinda like a when you have the option to answer the door when the Jehovah witnesses come knocking , I avoid answering the door….like every time…It’s pretty much like that ….( disclaimer:  I’m all about everyone celebrating their own religion, I’m just not a fan of ANYONE celebrating it on my front porch,….no offense to anyone out there)  It’s like this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that I’m not very good at it and that people are going to be watching me, and I am gonna probably trip over my own feet. (I do enjoy when people trip….I find it super funny….I’ve written about that before…except I don’t enjoy when it’s ME).  Another reason I despise running is basically this… have you ever tried to lug around 60 extra pounds when you are pounding the pavement? Sure I’ve lost almost 50 pounds already, but let’s face it….I’m still no tiny little thing….RUNNING SCARES ME!  The idea of running makes me wanna “run for the hills” so to speak…as odd as that sounds!

So in comes my trainer (I am SO blessed that the lovely Lindsay moved across the street from me AND is a personal trainer AND is training me at no charge.  I’m her project….and I’m a very willing subject.  She came into my life at the exact moment I needed her….it’s funny how things work that way…..She is going to mold me into a runner………That’s right, you fuckin heard me…..she’s training me to become a runner. I told her by my 35^th birthday on September 30^th I wanted to be down my full 105 lbs. that I promised myself I would lose.  She then came up with this “brilliant” idea that we we’re gonna sign up for a 5k together.  She.    Is.    Awesome.  There is only a TAD bit of sarcasm there……….. (She really IS awesome, I’m totally teasing right now..but this is all part of my fear).  So let me give you a visual of Lindsay … She is this strikingly beautiful little peanut of a woman who is in the most amazing shape ever… who wants to train 200 plus pound, me!  Not only is she training me to be a runner she’s fully putting her heart in soul in getting me in the BEST shape (Round is a shape right?) I have ever been in.  Between her and the Isagenix as my new lifestyle, I am so sure I will get there…I may drop dead at the end, but you bet your asses I’m not going to give up and I’m gonna look damn good doing it!!  I’m pretty sure there are only 2 other things I’ve ever wanted as much in my life…that would be my son and my husband……. Poor, poor Lindsay has her work cut out for her.  She’s a fucking saint!

 So three days into training on weights and my body is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME?????......yet it’s like the best pain EVER, because I know I am doing amazing things for myself.  Has anyone out there in blog-land ever done planks?  Who the fuck invented these things???  Probably an asshole, that’s who.  But for real, I get the idea behind them, I know I’m tightening up my core….but good Lord above, they are HARD!!!!  Soon will be burpees…….if you don’t know what a burpee is…please do yourself a favor and search that shit up on YouTube……………..I’m already crying inside in the fetal position and I haven’t even started those yet! Feel free to cry for me and with me….I just keep the goal in my mind as I’m in searing pain on my 40^th lunge……. As my thighs are wobbling as I stand in the shower under the hot water…..again….pain..but a wonderful pain.  For anyone who has been in my boat, rowing along with me, you know EXACTLY what I mean.  I can’t wait to start seeing even more results now that I’ve stepped up my game so much.  This is a very personal journey for me that I have shared with all of you because I know a lot of you are on a similar one.  For those of you who have not begun your journey yet but you always have that voice in the back of your head saying “get up and do something”…..I want to be part of that voice…I want to inspire people to become better….to feel better…to make their lives the best they can.  Of course I will occasionally (who am I kidding) throw out the word Fuck to give it a little sparkle here and there….but I want people to read my blog and be like FUCK YEA if she can do it, so can I!   Seriously….if I can do it ANYONE can do it! I want people to one day say “because of you I didn’t give up…I kept going”.  We all have that voice in our head that says it would just be easier to quit….but what good does quitting ever do? (Unless it’s like quitting smoking) I’m not a fan of quitting….. Just keep pushing… Kinda like when Lindsay is training me…and she says, just as I’m about to say I “can’t”….she says “you can do it”….and fuck yea she’s right!

The BEST Worst Night of My Life (When I Woke Up and Started Giving a Fuck

We all know a lot about me by now….. we know I started this journey with a lot of weight to lose, to be exact, 105 pounds… and a whole lot of confidence to gain.…...I am nearly halfway there in just over three months time.  I have gotten there with the most amazing products of Isagenix and the support of so many of my friends, and even people I don’t know cheering me on along the way. 

Everyone gets somewhere from a point A to a point B…………  my point A was  on January 7^th….. I was at a restaurant with some girlfriends and having sushi….nothing crazy went on that day….normal Sunday….fairly relaxing.  I was 255 pounds and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I remember sitting at the table eating when all of a sudden out of nowhere the room started to get very “foggy” so to speak and my hearing started to go…my vision got blurry and my heart was racing out of my chest and my throat felt like it was tightening as I breathed.  Oh my fucking God, I’m 34 years old and I’m having a heart attack. I’m having a heart attack in my plate of raw salmon and tuna………..WHAT….THE……FUCK!  All that was racing through my mind was fuck, fuck, fuck (there I go again with that word…it works in SO many situations to enhance things I think) I am going to die at Miyabi and never see my 4 year old son or my husband again……This is how I’m going to die…..because at that moment that is exactly what it felt like….and every fiber of my being began to have regret with how I’d abused my body over the years….how I’d eaten whatever I wanted, processed foods out the wazoo, fruits and vegetables laden in pesticides… meat filled with antibiotics….I drank diet soda like it was water and never  drinking water because it wasn’t diet soda or iced tea with Splenda (my two drinks of choice).  What was going through my head was literally -this is it, this is what you get for all those times you said “I’ll just start tomorrow”……this was my favorite phrase…it was always “oh I’ll just start tomorrow, and enjoy today”…but what was I enjoying?  Being tired and sick or sick and tired all the time…sick and tired and nearly dead it felt like? Dragging my ass out of bed each morning to “get through” another day?  I wasn’t enjoying anything…I was going through my life feeling like crap….but in my mind at that very moment all I kept thinking was “what if there isn’t a tomorrow now, what if I’ve run out of tomorrow’s?”  At 34 years old these should never be normal things that run through your head…. Hell at any age one shouldn’t have to feel or think this way.  But there I was….on my way to the hospital thinking “I’ve really done it now!”

Newsflash … I didn’t die! For everyone who was biting their nails at the last paragraph……………..I am still here!

After being put on a slew of unnecessary medicine (of course at the time I didn’t realize this, I was just taking what the doctor prescribed me.) Here was the laundry list of shit I was put on….medicine for high blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety, depression, vertigo….. AND she even threw in some shit for reflux and indigestion because why the hell not right?  I was a walking disaster of health problems…and now a walking pharmacy too. Funny how though NOT ONCE did either doctor I saw at the hospital or my follow up at my general practitioner, not even once mention what was staring us all smack in the face.  No one said to me “you may want to lose a little weight.”  Not one professional in a white coat uttered those words to me…..I was handed 5 prescriptions and sent on my way.   Are you fucking kidding me?????  I mean it isn’t that I didn’t know I needed to lose weight, trust me, I thought about it 23.5 hours out of the day (the other .5 hours in my day were consumed by me saying the word “fuck”).  So for three weeks straight I took this arsenal of medications (again that I didn’t need) all of them causing side effects, some worse than the thing they were treating….

I knew something had to give….I needed to do SOMETHING or I was going to either end up diabetic, or have a REAL heart attack.  I was NOT going to allow that to happen….I needed a solution……I was in one of my darkest places…..severely overweight….tired ALL the time….extremely unmotivated….overall just a very unhappy person.

In walked my best friend…. I’ve mentioned her in my blog before, and Jacqui you know I will always be eternally grateful for sharing this amazing system with me.  All those meds I was on in January…I was off of them first week I started using Isagenix.  Not only that, I haven’t had a single cup of coffee since the beginning…and you are talking about a chick that drank 5-6 cups a day.  Not only that but I fucking don’t crave sweets anymore and haven’t since I started!  Sure once in awhile when I’m out to dinner I’ll have a bite or two of dessert but the old me would have eaten the entire plate and picked it up and licked the remainders off of it (I’m totally fucking with you- that is completely Neanderthal, after all I AM a fucking lady!)

I want to share this amazing system with everyone I know….I want to share it with everyone I DON’T know too…that is how passionate I am about it.  I don’t care if people get tired of hearing about it from me, I’m not gonna stop talking about it.  I wanna go buy a damn bull horn and drive around my neighborhood and embarrass my husband by shouting it out the windows of the car to people.  (Wheels are spinning in my head right now, how can I do something like this and get away with it legally? Seems like SUCH an awesome plan if you ask me) Maybe none of you are asking but I still think that would be BAD ASS!.....an Isagenix van…… with samples to hand out…..Kinda like the ice cream man but I’m so much cooler than he is and I won’t play that annoying music….and I’d be giving away healthy stuff (or excepting donations, either or, after all gotta keep that van gassed up ya know or my whole plan is totally shot to shit)  not the crap that keeps making you tired, and heavy and miserable.

My point here people is everyone needs to feel good….who wants to go through life tired and feeling like every day at 3 pm they just wanna take a nap.  That was my life before…..and I will never go back.  I can say that with confidence because of ALL of the changes that came along with changing my lifestyle.  From the loss of 46 pounds, to glowing skin, to a better attitude about myself and feeling good now when I look in the mirror.  I have never felt like this before…and it just keeps getting better and better every single day.  That night in January was one of BEST, worst nights of my life…..because it was an eye opener for me.  I finally WOKE the FUCK up!  I am halfway to my point B and I’m enjoying every step of the way!

……BUT YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE (cleaning out my closet of shame)

      Ok people, this shit is NEVER ok to say….You may as well say “for a fat girl you don’t sweat much”…..we all know what, “but you have such a pretty face” really means…..It means your face is nice, but your ass is fat. I can say this without being considered a bitch ( I hope) because I’ve been there….hell, I’m still overweight and considered plus sized (two sizes away from being out of that category by the way….I just did a happy dance behind my laptop) but I can tell you…no plus sized woman EVER wants to hear this phrase uttered to her…we actually don’t even want to consider the fact that the thought may have crossed your mind to say something so asinine to us….My mommom was notorious for saying this exact phrase to me…. Usually it would go along like this….I can hear it in my head so vividly…”but Tracey, you have such a pretty face,….if you’d just get some of that weight off of you”………………I’ve learned over time to let it roll off my back…I used to let it bother the shit out of me…I think all that changed when I started working with senior citizens every day, and realize they have no fucking filter and will say whatever they damn well please, without thinking twice. Maybe this is a good trait to have…..I’m not sure, I was always taught if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Except “fuck” I like to say that, whether it’s considered nice or not, I don’t care, I love the word and I will probably always say it…….so too fucking bad, deal with it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUUCK…………ok I think I have gotten it out of my system for another paragraph or two……….maybe half a paragraph..I won’t know til I continue writing…..
         
          I’ve been going through my clothes a lot lately….I’ve lost nearly 50 lbs…. I have hardly anything to wear now. Of course it is bitter sweet….the bitter part is the money I have to spend to buy a new wardrobe…however that is soooo overshadowed by the SWEET!!!! And by “sweet” I mean sweet baby Jesus look how far I’ve come in just 3 months!!!! But let’s get back to my closet……most of these clothes have become a security blanket for me……I think I’ve kept so many of these bigger clothes in there over the years as a “just in case you get fat again” situation arose. So many times I have gone back to my size 18/20 jeans…my XXL shirts….. that up and down Yo-yo-ing I’ve spent so much of my adulthood doing….I’m now 12 weeks into Isagenix and down to a size 13/14 pants (they are getting loose as well) and a Large shirt…( I am even able to wear this adorable pair of espadrille shoes I bought about two years ago that my feet were too fat to shove into!)…I’m sure you all recall my blog “cute shoes, fat feet”….…I don’t ever want to or PLAN to go back to that size 20 miserable, tired, heavy former shell of a person I used to be. When I say I was miserable, I mean MISERABLE. 

         This journey for me however is much more than just about the weight loss. It’s about finding myself again….I am fucking see I used fuck again, one bad ass chic! I have gained confidence that I never had. Sure in the past I would do a really good job of faking confidence to get through a situation, but man oh man, this shit is REAL this time around. When you feel good from the outside in, it literally shows all over the outside! I had someone in the grocery store the other day tell me that my skin was beautiful and glowing……….SCREEEEEEEEEECH, put on the brakes people…………”Exsqueeeeeeze me ma’am? Did you just say I have nice skin?” I have never been told that before…(maybe it goes along with “but you have such a pretty face”? I’m not sure.) But yea, my skin is looking pretty awesome lately! Not only did some random stranger come up to me and say I had nice skin ( I’m not sure whether I should be concerned or creeped out that she was looking at me when I didn’t realize it….was she following me around the store? Waiting for an opportune time to tell me this? Did she purposely get behind me in line while I was trying to balance my 5 items in my hands and my purse and my car keys while trying to get my debit card out….all because this stubborn asshole that I am didn’t want to grab a cart or a basket because really, I only needed an item or two…or 5…) But she also said my skin was glowing! And I have to agree….but the glow isn’t just about my healthy skin since nutritionally cleansing my system of it’s toxins, it really is glowing because from the inside I am a better person. I hold myself better…I present myself better…I am finally proud of myself. I smile more when I’m out….I make eye contact with strangers and give them a warm smile….because I don’t feel like I’m hiding in a fat suit anymore where people are judging me.

          So my mission this week is to finish going through all of my clothes and once and for all getting rid of all those security blankets…..I have made a decision to make Isagenix my lifestyle….to embrace it fully. It fits into every aspect of my life…I’m still able to go to parties….to eat out with friends,..to entertain friends…. I’ve been asked “do you eat real food on that diet?”…………..Well first of all….it’s NOT a diet…it’s a lifestyle change. And yes I eat “real” food on it…whatever that means…I always chuckle at this because Isagenix is about as real as it gets…. This is the crème de la crème of nutrition……You can’t get this kind of organic, nutrient rich food anywhere else….

So I leave you all with this……. What is the person in the grocery store behind you thinking when they look at you? Are you glowing? If not it’s your time to shed that outer shell and fly my little butterflies………spread those fucking wings with me and let’s soar!

WAITING IN LINE AT THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER (The loop de loops of self loathing)

      Self loathing is by far one of the worst traits a person can possess.  I say this from firsthand experience.  I say this because from the time I was little until just recently this was my life.  I was always the bright, happy, Susie sunshine person from the outside, big smile, shoulder to cry on friend, pick you up when you are feeling down, make you laugh til you wanted to pee (or so I’ve been told) etc. etc….. But inside I was always falling apart… I hid it well….or so I thought.  Clearly by me saying I hid it well is a tad false…..this is where the anxiety meds came in, the anti-depressants, the emotional breakdowns and panic attacks …… I guess really I just masked it all.  My life inside my own mind was exactly what I titled this post…an emotional roller coaster.  And this NAKED chic wanted to get OFF!!!!  One minute I would be happy, the next I could be in a pile of tears sitting in the bathroom because I just hated how I looked and felt about myself.

      I don’t know exactly where this all started….I have my ideas…when I was younger I was compared by people a lot to my beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed sister.  She was always slim, with long straight hair….and when people would see us together it was almost like instant comparison…some would even say “she’s blonde and blue eyed, where did YOU come from?”  Like that was really an odd question since my father and I have the same coloring (Asses).   I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn’t that guys didn’t find me attractive but I myself, never ever saw what they saw.  I always compared myself to my older sister.  She was like this goddess I would look up to….We would fight like cats and dogs when we were younger, like sisters that are 2 years apart often do.  I would steal her clothes so I could feel like her when I was at school and then before she got home I would hang them back up in her closet so she wouldn’t know….She always found out….. My lying and sleuthing skills are for lack of a better word, non-existent.  She would ask me if I wore something and I just didn’t know how to lie….(that or she could smell the perfume I wore on the clothes I’m not too sure)……not only do I hate liars, I just cannot do it…I SUCK at it!  Anyway I think from grade school that is where it stemmed from…when she started to come into her own and I was always kinda in her shadow.  It’s funny because even to this day I still look up to her and envy her.   I don’t blame anyone for that, as it is in the past, but if I had to pinpoint a time in my life where this all began I would say it was probably around grade school.

       You know when you watch those talk shows about those beautiful women who would think nothing about them is attractive, and they simply just saw flaws when they looked in the mirror?  Well that was me….I mean to an extent….I never spent money on plastic surgery to change my appearance or anything, but I will admit I always wished I had the money to alter what parts of me I didn’t like.  That would have taken a boat load of money.  I’m also a Libra and we are very vain, so maybe my damn astrological sign has made it harder for me to accept who I am on the outside …who writes that shit because my sign is me to a freakin T  and that is scary! ..I guess in a way I am vain because I spent years upon years judging myself on my appearance.  The funny thing is I never judge anyone else on their appearance…..just myself.  I know we are our own worst critics….I’m the Roger Ebert of the Tracey show.  He’s got nothing on me with his thumbs up and thumbs down shit….I am the queen at judging and critiquing myself.   In my past I could have easily pointed out 10 things wrong with me physically before I said one nice thing about myself.  What the fuck????????  That’s certainly no way to live! Yet it’s exactly how I lived.  My husband would pay me a compliment and here’s what would go on in my head…”he’s only saying that because he’s my husband and he has to”……….UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

    It’s been about 12 weeks now, since I started changing my life.  Not only have I changed my outward appearance by using the Isagenix system (which I will be forever grateful for, and a lifetime user of as they have saved my life, literally and figuratively) but every day when I look in the mirror now I see something about myself that I like and I make a point to say something positive.  That emotional rollercoaster that I used to ride each and every day is almost nonexistent anymore.  I’m a better mom too.  My stress level is so much lower than it used to be (thank you Ionix Supreme…my Isagenix buddies will know what I am talking about with that!)  I had so much self hate inside of me I would fly off the handle much easier before, I would stress about everyday life occurrences….all in all I wasn’t a very happy person on the inside, regardless of what I showed my friends and family on the outside… It was almost like a dirty little secret.  It’s funny now, I find myself still waiting in line to get back on that emotional rollercoaster where I used to travel daily….however with the changes I’ve made, I don’t ever see that happening again.  I have the tools now to make sure that never ever happens again…

 I ask every one of my friends to be a bit cheesy today and give yourself a pat on the back or even a nice long hug, hey if you want to make out with yourself in the mirror that’s your prerogative, I won’t judge….but it’s time we all start liking ourselves a little more…… and if you know someone who may be stuck on those fucking loop de loops of emotions, how about stopping that rollercoaster and taking their hand and helping them out.  People need to see how awesome they really are and the beauty that not only lies on the outside but within. (Damn! I could be a Hallmark card writer!...I’m in the wrong business!)  It took me years and years to come to this realization that I really am beautiful….. even if I am no super model, even if I may never be a size 4……(I’ll settle for a size 6…… snicker, snicker…in all honesty with the plan I’m on it’s absolutely a realistic goal and I’m excited to get there!) I am worth putting in the time and energy to love myself….do I think it’s true what they say…”you can’t love someone until you love yourself”?  I more or less think that quote should say “you can’t accept someone else’s love until you love yourself”..that sounds more like it fits my journey…..…….. Start loving yourselves people…. Or you just may find me on your doorstep with open arms ready to hug the shit out of you, just to give you some love that you deserve!   I’m a really good house guest though, you may not want me to leave…I can make you laugh, I am a kick ass cook, and I like doing dishes…….. But in all seriousness, let’s start loving everything about ourselves…from the outside in….I promise you your whole outlook on life will change for the better!

My new bucket list includes becoming a motivational speaker………..but I guess I better brush up on my verbiage,…I don’t think the word “fuck” is very acceptable at public events.  Have a happy weekend readers!  And remember, go give yourself a pat on the back or a juicy wet mirror kiss!!!!!!!!

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PI

A BIG OL' FAT THANK YOU TO ALL MY SUPPORTERS OUT THERE! IF I COULD KISS YA ALL I WOULD! (HOWEVER, THIS FEVER BLISTER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S PRETTY MUCH GONE, GENERALLY MAKES EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS!)

The hubs and I went to AC to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.........here's a little sneak peek into how our trip went on our isagenix plan............. (OMG!!! dude! get your minds out of the gutter people...what did you think i meant when i said sneak peak!???)

I am looking forward to two cleanse days in a row tomorrow and Thursday ....even though I did really well on our trip to AC, I did indulge a little and had a few bites of dessert each night ...... plus the effing casino's were filled with cigarette smoke!!!! blech!!!! need to cleanse me some cells!!! ... we had a really great time....and did our shakes and bars for breakfast and lunch and only ate the regular dinners each night...I made really healthy choices each night ( because I didn't desire the normal fatty foods) ....I will say....even though we ordered a dessert each night to split, the old me would have been rejoicing inside when Chief would only want a bit or two....THIS time it was me too who only wanted a few bites....the stuff just tastes soooo sugary to me anymore...I don't enjoy it like I used to and always feel icky afterwards...I even got the shakes from the sugar!!! ewwww.........i know that is my body telling me it's something that is not good for me..... Chief and i are always talking about how amazing we feel..... ( and ladies...let me tell you.......I have always adored m y husband,...always loved every bit of him....but my oh my oh MY MY MY..........he has dropped over 30 lbs and I feel like a damn teenager all over again! He makes me swoon he's so damn handsome!!!!) and how we will never go back to our old lifestyle because we have found something that works and makes us feel amazing.......... There is no way in hell I would ever go back to how i used to feel when I know now what it really is supposed to feel like to be "alive"..... I feel I've been given a second chance here...... Isagenix is some sort of gift..........I swear it is........it has become the answer to all my problems....it feels so good to finally be taking care of me for once...and knowing my husband and son are getting the same amazing food as well? It's a no brainer!!!! Being able to teach my son what is good and bad for him and how to make the right choices when it comes to his food at such a young age...the kid won't have to go through feeling like shit like Chief and I had for so many years....

As I said on my regular facebook post.....there are the people out there (some are even family members...YES!!!!! I know...) who tease me about this journey or GASP! have blocked me from their facebook walls.....and how much I have committed to it....all the research I have taken upon myself to read and learn about the crap we have been pretty much poisoning ourselves with over the years....because we have been fooled.... because we aren't being told what's really in our food...even those regular fruits and veggies you are buying that you think are healthy....do some research..............

My question though is this...why would you make fun of someone who is taking their health into their own hands and finally making good choices? That's beyond me. Everyone should step up and think about it....you really are what you eat.....I really don't give a turd if you don't like what I am doing or if you don't like what I am saying.....or if you think it is some sort of "fad"...because it absolutely is not...there's noting "fad" about eating super food organic nutrition and remaking your entire body over in a healthy way. For the people who think Isagenix is a fad, or a diet or whatever..........do the research....it's nothing like what you "think" it is........That is the "dark side" to this journey...the nay sayers.....the debbie downers...the people who were there for you when you were all about eating shitty and feeling shitty about yourselves together...bitching and moaning about how crappy you felt as you shoved another bon bon down your throat (totally been there, done that!!!!!!) ....who now haven't changed their lives and how they are living....don't want to be there to celebrate the positive changes I have made...I guess for those people I just have to suck it up and realize that is their own issues they are dealing with.....

Now, for my supporters.............. Here's where that juicy wet kiss comes in...........(once the fever blister is completely gone I mean)... I will be forever eternally grateful to my best friend Jacqueline Cocozza who introduced me to this........you will never know my gratitude...yet I will continue to remind you, text you, shout it out to you when i see you, lift you up and hug you....(even kiss you when my lip herp is gone) ..and to the rest of my team NAKED peeps and the Isagenix friends I have met along my journey...I don't know any of you face to face.... and yet you have welcomed me with open arms and endless encouragement...you root for me and cheer me on along the way.....You send me messages, you text me....you make me want to try harder and push harder and work harder towards my goal. I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!! ♥ If I could tag every one of you in this post I would..but it won't let me......Silly facebook page..... but anyway........I really can't say thank you enough.....You have made the dark side of the moon pie sooooo much sunnier on the opposite side!!!!

THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL (dedicated to my son and how he saved my life)

        I have thought so many times about sharing this part of my life with more than the people closest to me. It is the hardest part to share. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy……. But I feel it signifies another moment in my life that has led me to where I am today……… It is not an easy read…so I’m giving everyone fair warning….. As I sit and write it, I still cry over the memory, as I do quite often.

         Just like so many of you, I have dealt with shit in my life. We have been through a lifetime worth of crap in the 13 years we’ve been together. The absolute worst was losing our daughter. I replay that day in my head all the time……..it’s been almost 7 years and not a day goes by that I don’t replay parts, if not all of that day in my head. I was on the cusp of my 6th month of pregnancy and I went into labor and it couldn’t be stopped because my water broke. The tried to save her but her lungs weren’t developed yet. I had to stay in that hospital and give birth to her knowing she wouldn’t be coming out alive. Knowing that usually when people find these times to be super happy, this for us was just the absolute opposite. I remember being so hysterical and the nurse coming in shooting my IV up with some drugs to calm me down…….I became numb ……I couldn’t grasp what was really happening….. When it was time to push I remember the room going perfectly silent and turning the most beautiful shades of this white light. I kept saying to my husband’s cousin to shut the blinds because the light was blinding me…. But she said they were already closed. I remember her being born….the room lighting up beautifully…..complete silence…(there were about 8 people in the room all talking between my family and doctors and nurses, yet there was not one noise for about 15 seconds as she was being delivered…..then all the commotion started again as she was whisked away to be cleaned off. This moment will never leave my mind……the beautiful light…the silence….( about a week later I brought this up to my mother, my sister and my husband’s aunt and cousin who were all in the room during her birth and asked them if they recall anything weird...just to see what they would say ( I thought it was the drugs they gave me)…..HOLY SHIT they all experienced the same thing!!!! It still gives me chills to think about it……. She was perfect like a little doll…we named her Ashleigh Joy…she even had little eyelashes…( I remember thinking, why God? Why did you give her eyelashes before lungs????!!!!!! And how I will still never understand how that all works)..we held her still little body and cried and said our goodbyes. It was the absolute worst day of my life. I don’t think I came out of shock for probably 6 months from that. I spent weeks into months coming home from work and going right to my bed to cry into my pillow…..I walked around in what I would call “fish bowl” syndrome. Where everything is going on around you but you feel like you are stuck in this glass ball, just meandering, to get through each day. All I wanted to know was why? Why us? They say things happen for a reason and in the moment we can’t see the trees through the woods….but there was a purpose to this significant event in our lives. At that time I had no clue what it was. I knew there is nothing that could have changed what happened as well but of course I spent forever blaming myself and anything else I could think of so I could put the blame somewhere…I had to put it somewhere or I would have gone crazy….after all…. How does shit like this happen? Who decides to take life away? Before it’s even really begun? Who decided to cheat Chief and I from being parents and leaving us to grieve in what seemed like the loneliest place one could ever ever be? Who the fuck makes these decisions???!!!!!
As it turned out what I have is a genetic disorder that affects me when I’m pregnant. The blessing that came along with losing Ashleigh is that I was able to find out what was wrong and my sister was able to carry her 2nd pregnancy to full term because of it. (Little did we know when her son was born at 10 weeks premature2 years prior to me losing my daughter, my sister also carries part of this genetic disorder). So losing Ashleigh was not totally in vain. Because we lost her, I now have my two other nephews as well and I have the most beautiful son on the planet. That’s right my faithful readers, I’m talking about Igor. (This isn’t his real name….if you have been following along since the beginning you know I like to make up names for the people in my life!) Anyway back to why I’m writing this particular blog and why I am dedicating it to my favorite little 4 year old……. I know I will never have my daughter back but she is forever on my mind. She comes to me in dreams and leaves my husband, Igor and myself feathers in our path when we least expect them…… I often spend my idle time wondering what would she have been like? I still cry, even 7 years later when I think about her and who she’d be today…… Who would she have looked like? Would she have my eyes, or Chief’s?
         Here’s the part that relates to all the life changes I have been making since the end of January of this year. Forever I blamed myself and buried my sorrow in food and depression. Food- always my comfort in the moment and yet my worst enemy all wrapped up in one. Even though the more I ate, the heavier I got, the more depressed I became. It was just one more hatch I could put on my board of things I couldn’t control in my life. I had absolutely no control over my desire to eat and appetite and ate more than I needed and always felt like crap afterwards….literally and figuratively. The birth of my son was the BEST day of my…or shall I say of OUR lives. After having lost so much…and then finally having him, it was like the world started new again. It took me about 4 years of having him to really put into perspective that I have one shot at this life…..one shot to live it and be healthy and raise a healthy happy child. One day a light switched on in January after talking to my best friend Jacqui and I said to myself I will no longer live the way I’ve been living. I don’t want to be tired anymore..I don’t want to be sluggish…I want to be able to play with my son and not get tired. I don’t want to keep carrying around these extra 100 lbs. I can’t function this way……I’m not living I was surviving….getting out of bed every day was just a chore…I was fucking miserable. I like to refer to the old me as a slug. Both chief and I actually….we were very inactive and ate crappy…. To this day after making the best decision ever with Isagenix….we are both on our way to health. We have both lost over 30 lbs and feel the best we ever have in all our lives. There isn’t one single regret I have about my decision to start this program. It is the best lifestyle change we could have made for ourselves. I even got through Easter with no desire to eat any of the normal crap and candy I would have in the past. I had a completely guilt free day. It was awesome. Every other year I would consider it a “cheat” day and would gorge myself til I felt ill. I didn’t even crave the foods rich foods that were all over the buffet table.….not even anything from Igor’s basket. I literally was happy and completely content eating my veggies and hummus for appetizer and for dinner I ate a piece of veggie lasagna and a big salad and could hardly finish it. I had a small plate of dessert…fresh fruit and a small piece of chocolate cake…. Felt awesome not feeling like shit when I woke up this morning too from overeating yesterday………SINCE I DIDN’T OVEREAT!
        So back to my son…. having my son not only completed our lives ………..he has saved my life. I look at him and know that he’s the reason I’m still here…he’s the reason I’m making such huge changes….My old lifestyle was a recipe for complete disaster……So I plan on sticking around to bug his ass when he’s older… He can push me around Target in my wheelchair just like I pushed his butt around in the carts for so long!