THE GAS SMELLED ROUND THE WORLD (the bodily functions that ran my life)

Because I have no problem laying it all out there anymore (the old me NEVER would have shared all these personal stories but that is where all these awesome changes have come into play with my new life.)…because I now have no shame about what my life WAS….I want to share my worst moments…along with my best because I know I can be the voice of many who are afraid to step up and talk or afraid to take that first leap to better themselves…I want to inspire people to do that….

 I’m gonna share a little story about my past health issues.  I may or may not use the word “fuck” throughout….one can never be too sure…..Ok who am I kidding?…that word will be sprinkled about in every blog I’m pretty sure.  Before Isagenix, my stomach was one hot fucking mess (see, there it is….already).  By hot mess, I mean I am 34 years old….and have already had 3 colonoscopies in my lifetime.  Don’t be jealous… although we all know how much fun it sounds to drink this nasty salty saline that they “flavor” with lime and ginger to make it more palpable…..I will tell you first hand…FUCK NO it is the WORST tasting stuff ever…and it has forever tainted my ability to drink limeade again (because that is what my doctor recommended I put it in to help with the flavor) NOTHING can help with that flavor, let’s just be very clear on THAT!….Then you get to shit your brains out for hours and I mean HOURS, go to the hospital the next morning looking  like hell and feeling weak and nauseous  because you can’t eat or drink… and THEN you get to have a camera shoved up your hiney along with a steady stream of air, all while they have you under anesthesia and all the people in the room get to see your bits and pieces without you remembering squat about it.  Afterwards and here’s the REAL gem….. you get to lay in the bed in a “recovery room” with just a thin curtain separating you and alllllllllll the other post procedure patients…..and you get to………. FART………..yep!  You read that right….you get to (they make you) fart and fart and fart out ALL that air they blew up your ass while you were knocked out. The nurses would make it sound like it was just SO easy to rip one in front of (or at least next to a curtain) that separated you from a complete stranger.  I have a farting complex…………this would NEVER be easy for me….. How much fun right?  So not once, not twice but three times I have had to do this….It never got easier any time. 

The reason I had to do this is because I have always had the worst stomach…I would eat and I would be in the bathroom within minutes…it would go right through me.  I have been from specialist to specialist….no one had any idea except “IBS” was the answer I got…each and every time.  No one saying what was staring them AND me in the face all along yet no one ever brought it up?  NO one ever thought well maybe it’s the shit you eat…..it took me two more colonoscopies and about 8 more years of these stomach issues to figure out it was the crap I was putting in my body…and I don’t just mean the fried foods…it was literally everything… the sauces, the dairy, all that processed junk, the diet sodas and artificial sweeteners….I was filling my stomach up with…wasn’t just putting the pounds on me but it was also making me toxic and that was my body’s way of rejecting that shit….literally and figuratively.

Since beginning Isagenix I have not had ONE single bout of IBS………this is how I know that it was the food that I used to put in my body that was causing years and years of distress on my stomach and my toilet!  Obviously Isagenix cannot claim to cure anything as it is just pure whole food organic nutrition…but first hand I KNOW it has changed my life and my bowels for the better!

***A little side note about my first time having a colonoscopy…. For some reason I thought it would be a wonderful idea to go for all you can eat wings the night after the colonoscopy was finished….(No one ever needs “all you can eat” by the way …of anything) ……. But anyway….so after having a completely empty stomach, a camera and air shoved up my bum that morning…I decided that wings were what I wanted to eat…and BOY did I have my fair share of the “all you can eat”………So anyway, on the way home…of course…my stomach started to feel icky, as always….….Chief was driving (we were still just dating at this time)….we were about 5 minutes from home and I had to fart……..and I mean I had to fart worse than I ever had to fart in my life…there was still air stuck up in me from the morning’s treat of a procedure….and I just didn’t realize it til I added the fried wings on top of that….So I let it rip…..and THANK GOD it was silent……………….but HOLY HELL it was also DEADLY…………. I quick rolled down the window….. Hoping,….. PRAYING, Chief wouldn’t get a whiff and it would just make it’s way out of the window. This sucker was LINGERING!  It would not, COULD not find it’s way out the open window to relieve us of it’s stench….OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD….FUCK FUCK FUCK!  He’s gonna smell it and KNOW it was me…..he’s not gonna wanna keep dating me!  This is the shit that was going through my head….. So I had to fess up and say “I’m sorry if you smell that…My stomach is still full of air and I didn’t think it would stink”………………Chief turned to me, with a big ol’ grin on his face and said “holy shit babe! That was AWESOME!!!!! I thought we just passed a shit truck or something!”……………and that my friends is part of the reason I married that man………

5K OR BUST (Dedicated to my new friend and trainer)

Ok, so as I mentioned previously in another post, I am training to run a 5K.  Now some of you may be thinking big deal…it’s 3.1 miles…..Actually when you say it like that it doesn’t sound bad at all really. I mean I do 3 miles on the treadmill almost every day……..yet I don’t “run”….I actually walk fast, uphill for my treadmill workouts.  Running is a whole other fucking ball game for me (See I never cease to use that word when needed).  This 5K was not my idea………actually I shy away from anything that has to do with running because I literally SUCK at it, and I get the nervous poop pains when I even think someone is gonna ask me to run with them.  Go ahead and laugh, I know I’m not alone in this!  I get out of breath too easily, I get pains in my calves, or stitches in my side….It’s a whole plethora of issues that arise when I try to run ….so I’ve just always avoided it at all costs…kinda like a when you have the option to answer the door when the Jehovah witnesses come knocking , I avoid answering the door….like every time…It’s pretty much like that ….( disclaimer:  I’m all about everyone celebrating their own religion, I’m just not a fan of ANYONE celebrating it on my front porch,….no offense to anyone out there)  It’s like this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that I’m not very good at it and that people are going to be watching me, and I am gonna probably trip over my own feet. (I do enjoy when people trip….I find it super funny….I’ve written about that before…except I don’t enjoy when it’s ME).  Another reason I despise running is basically this… have you ever tried to lug around 60 extra pounds when you are pounding the pavement? Sure I’ve lost almost 50 pounds already, but let’s face it….I’m still no tiny little thing….RUNNING SCARES ME!  The idea of running makes me wanna “run for the hills” so to speak…as odd as that sounds!

So in comes my trainer (I am SO blessed that the lovely Lindsay moved across the street from me AND is a personal trainer AND is training me at no charge.  I’m her project….and I’m a very willing subject.  She came into my life at the exact moment I needed her….it’s funny how things work that way…..She is going to mold me into a runner………That’s right, you fuckin heard me…..she’s training me to become a runner. I told her by my 35^th birthday on September 30^th I wanted to be down my full 105 lbs. that I promised myself I would lose.  She then came up with this “brilliant” idea that we we’re gonna sign up for a 5k together.  She.    Is.    Awesome.  There is only a TAD bit of sarcasm there……….. (She really IS awesome, I’m totally teasing right now..but this is all part of my fear).  So let me give you a visual of Lindsay … She is this strikingly beautiful little peanut of a woman who is in the most amazing shape ever… who wants to train 200 plus pound, me!  Not only is she training me to be a runner she’s fully putting her heart in soul in getting me in the BEST shape (Round is a shape right?) I have ever been in.  Between her and the Isagenix as my new lifestyle, I am so sure I will get there…I may drop dead at the end, but you bet your asses I’m not going to give up and I’m gonna look damn good doing it!!  I’m pretty sure there are only 2 other things I’ve ever wanted as much in my life…that would be my son and my husband……. Poor, poor Lindsay has her work cut out for her.  She’s a fucking saint!

 So three days into training on weights and my body is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME?????......yet it’s like the best pain EVER, because I know I am doing amazing things for myself.  Has anyone out there in blog-land ever done planks?  Who the fuck invented these things???  Probably an asshole, that’s who.  But for real, I get the idea behind them, I know I’m tightening up my core….but good Lord above, they are HARD!!!!  Soon will be burpees…….if you don’t know what a burpee is…please do yourself a favor and search that shit up on YouTube……………..I’m already crying inside in the fetal position and I haven’t even started those yet! Feel free to cry for me and with me….I just keep the goal in my mind as I’m in searing pain on my 40^th lunge……. As my thighs are wobbling as I stand in the shower under the hot water…..again….pain..but a wonderful pain.  For anyone who has been in my boat, rowing along with me, you know EXACTLY what I mean.  I can’t wait to start seeing even more results now that I’ve stepped up my game so much.  This is a very personal journey for me that I have shared with all of you because I know a lot of you are on a similar one.  For those of you who have not begun your journey yet but you always have that voice in the back of your head saying “get up and do something”…..I want to be part of that voice…I want to inspire people to become better….to feel better…to make their lives the best they can.  Of course I will occasionally (who am I kidding) throw out the word Fuck to give it a little sparkle here and there….but I want people to read my blog and be like FUCK YEA if she can do it, so can I!   Seriously….if I can do it ANYONE can do it! I want people to one day say “because of you I didn’t give up…I kept going”.  We all have that voice in our head that says it would just be easier to quit….but what good does quitting ever do? (Unless it’s like quitting smoking) I’m not a fan of quitting….. Just keep pushing… Kinda like when Lindsay is training me…and she says, just as I’m about to say I “can’t”….she says “you can do it”….and fuck yea she’s right!

The BEST Worst Night of My Life (When I Woke Up and Started Giving a Fuck

We all know a lot about me by now….. we know I started this journey with a lot of weight to lose, to be exact, 105 pounds… and a whole lot of confidence to gain.…...I am nearly halfway there in just over three months time.  I have gotten there with the most amazing products of Isagenix and the support of so many of my friends, and even people I don’t know cheering me on along the way. 

Everyone gets somewhere from a point A to a point B…………  my point A was  on January 7^th….. I was at a restaurant with some girlfriends and having sushi….nothing crazy went on that day….normal Sunday….fairly relaxing.  I was 255 pounds and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I remember sitting at the table eating when all of a sudden out of nowhere the room started to get very “foggy” so to speak and my hearing started to go…my vision got blurry and my heart was racing out of my chest and my throat felt like it was tightening as I breathed.  Oh my fucking God, I’m 34 years old and I’m having a heart attack. I’m having a heart attack in my plate of raw salmon and tuna………..WHAT….THE……FUCK!  All that was racing through my mind was fuck, fuck, fuck (there I go again with that word…it works in SO many situations to enhance things I think) I am going to die at Miyabi and never see my 4 year old son or my husband again……This is how I’m going to die…..because at that moment that is exactly what it felt like….and every fiber of my being began to have regret with how I’d abused my body over the years….how I’d eaten whatever I wanted, processed foods out the wazoo, fruits and vegetables laden in pesticides… meat filled with antibiotics….I drank diet soda like it was water and never  drinking water because it wasn’t diet soda or iced tea with Splenda (my two drinks of choice).  What was going through my head was literally -this is it, this is what you get for all those times you said “I’ll just start tomorrow”……this was my favorite phrase…it was always “oh I’ll just start tomorrow, and enjoy today”…but what was I enjoying?  Being tired and sick or sick and tired all the time…sick and tired and nearly dead it felt like? Dragging my ass out of bed each morning to “get through” another day?  I wasn’t enjoying anything…I was going through my life feeling like crap….but in my mind at that very moment all I kept thinking was “what if there isn’t a tomorrow now, what if I’ve run out of tomorrow’s?”  At 34 years old these should never be normal things that run through your head…. Hell at any age one shouldn’t have to feel or think this way.  But there I was….on my way to the hospital thinking “I’ve really done it now!”

Newsflash … I didn’t die! For everyone who was biting their nails at the last paragraph……………..I am still here!

After being put on a slew of unnecessary medicine (of course at the time I didn’t realize this, I was just taking what the doctor prescribed me.) Here was the laundry list of shit I was put on….medicine for high blood pressure, heart palpitations, anxiety, depression, vertigo….. AND she even threw in some shit for reflux and indigestion because why the hell not right?  I was a walking disaster of health problems…and now a walking pharmacy too. Funny how though NOT ONCE did either doctor I saw at the hospital or my follow up at my general practitioner, not even once mention what was staring us all smack in the face.  No one said to me “you may want to lose a little weight.”  Not one professional in a white coat uttered those words to me…..I was handed 5 prescriptions and sent on my way.   Are you fucking kidding me?????  I mean it isn’t that I didn’t know I needed to lose weight, trust me, I thought about it 23.5 hours out of the day (the other .5 hours in my day were consumed by me saying the word “fuck”).  So for three weeks straight I took this arsenal of medications (again that I didn’t need) all of them causing side effects, some worse than the thing they were treating….

I knew something had to give….I needed to do SOMETHING or I was going to either end up diabetic, or have a REAL heart attack.  I was NOT going to allow that to happen….I needed a solution……I was in one of my darkest places…..severely overweight….tired ALL the time….extremely unmotivated….overall just a very unhappy person.

In walked my best friend…. I’ve mentioned her in my blog before, and Jacqui you know I will always be eternally grateful for sharing this amazing system with me.  All those meds I was on in January…I was off of them first week I started using Isagenix.  Not only that, I haven’t had a single cup of coffee since the beginning…and you are talking about a chick that drank 5-6 cups a day.  Not only that but I fucking don’t crave sweets anymore and haven’t since I started!  Sure once in awhile when I’m out to dinner I’ll have a bite or two of dessert but the old me would have eaten the entire plate and picked it up and licked the remainders off of it (I’m totally fucking with you- that is completely Neanderthal, after all I AM a fucking lady!)

I want to share this amazing system with everyone I know….I want to share it with everyone I DON’T know too…that is how passionate I am about it.  I don’t care if people get tired of hearing about it from me, I’m not gonna stop talking about it.  I wanna go buy a damn bull horn and drive around my neighborhood and embarrass my husband by shouting it out the windows of the car to people.  (Wheels are spinning in my head right now, how can I do something like this and get away with it legally? Seems like SUCH an awesome plan if you ask me) Maybe none of you are asking but I still think that would be BAD ASS!.....an Isagenix van…… with samples to hand out…..Kinda like the ice cream man but I’m so much cooler than he is and I won’t play that annoying music….and I’d be giving away healthy stuff (or excepting donations, either or, after all gotta keep that van gassed up ya know or my whole plan is totally shot to shit)  not the crap that keeps making you tired, and heavy and miserable.

My point here people is everyone needs to feel good….who wants to go through life tired and feeling like every day at 3 pm they just wanna take a nap.  That was my life before…..and I will never go back.  I can say that with confidence because of ALL of the changes that came along with changing my lifestyle.  From the loss of 46 pounds, to glowing skin, to a better attitude about myself and feeling good now when I look in the mirror.  I have never felt like this before…and it just keeps getting better and better every single day.  That night in January was one of BEST, worst nights of my life…..because it was an eye opener for me.  I finally WOKE the FUCK up!  I am halfway to my point B and I’m enjoying every step of the way!