……BUT YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE (cleaning out my closet of shame)

      Ok people, this shit is NEVER ok to say….You may as well say “for a fat girl you don’t sweat much”…..we all know what, “but you have such a pretty face” really means…..It means your face is nice, but your ass is fat. I can say this without being considered a bitch ( I hope) because I’ve been there….hell, I’m still overweight and considered plus sized (two sizes away from being out of that category by the way….I just did a happy dance behind my laptop) but I can tell you…no plus sized woman EVER wants to hear this phrase uttered to her…we actually don’t even want to consider the fact that the thought may have crossed your mind to say something so asinine to us….My mommom was notorious for saying this exact phrase to me…. Usually it would go along like this….I can hear it in my head so vividly…”but Tracey, you have such a pretty face,….if you’d just get some of that weight off of you”………………I’ve learned over time to let it roll off my back…I used to let it bother the shit out of me…I think all that changed when I started working with senior citizens every day, and realize they have no fucking filter and will say whatever they damn well please, without thinking twice. Maybe this is a good trait to have…..I’m not sure, I was always taught if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Except “fuck” I like to say that, whether it’s considered nice or not, I don’t care, I love the word and I will probably always say it…….so too fucking bad, deal with it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUUCK…………ok I think I have gotten it out of my system for another paragraph or two……….maybe half a paragraph..I won’t know til I continue writing…..
         
          I’ve been going through my clothes a lot lately….I’ve lost nearly 50 lbs…. I have hardly anything to wear now. Of course it is bitter sweet….the bitter part is the money I have to spend to buy a new wardrobe…however that is soooo overshadowed by the SWEET!!!! And by “sweet” I mean sweet baby Jesus look how far I’ve come in just 3 months!!!! But let’s get back to my closet……most of these clothes have become a security blanket for me……I think I’ve kept so many of these bigger clothes in there over the years as a “just in case you get fat again” situation arose. So many times I have gone back to my size 18/20 jeans…my XXL shirts….. that up and down Yo-yo-ing I’ve spent so much of my adulthood doing….I’m now 12 weeks into Isagenix and down to a size 13/14 pants (they are getting loose as well) and a Large shirt…( I am even able to wear this adorable pair of espadrille shoes I bought about two years ago that my feet were too fat to shove into!)…I’m sure you all recall my blog “cute shoes, fat feet”….…I don’t ever want to or PLAN to go back to that size 20 miserable, tired, heavy former shell of a person I used to be. When I say I was miserable, I mean MISERABLE. 

         This journey for me however is much more than just about the weight loss. It’s about finding myself again….I am fucking see I used fuck again, one bad ass chic! I have gained confidence that I never had. Sure in the past I would do a really good job of faking confidence to get through a situation, but man oh man, this shit is REAL this time around. When you feel good from the outside in, it literally shows all over the outside! I had someone in the grocery store the other day tell me that my skin was beautiful and glowing……….SCREEEEEEEEEECH, put on the brakes people…………”Exsqueeeeeeze me ma’am? Did you just say I have nice skin?” I have never been told that before…(maybe it goes along with “but you have such a pretty face”? I’m not sure.) But yea, my skin is looking pretty awesome lately! Not only did some random stranger come up to me and say I had nice skin ( I’m not sure whether I should be concerned or creeped out that she was looking at me when I didn’t realize it….was she following me around the store? Waiting for an opportune time to tell me this? Did she purposely get behind me in line while I was trying to balance my 5 items in my hands and my purse and my car keys while trying to get my debit card out….all because this stubborn asshole that I am didn’t want to grab a cart or a basket because really, I only needed an item or two…or 5…) But she also said my skin was glowing! And I have to agree….but the glow isn’t just about my healthy skin since nutritionally cleansing my system of it’s toxins, it really is glowing because from the inside I am a better person. I hold myself better…I present myself better…I am finally proud of myself. I smile more when I’m out….I make eye contact with strangers and give them a warm smile….because I don’t feel like I’m hiding in a fat suit anymore where people are judging me.

          So my mission this week is to finish going through all of my clothes and once and for all getting rid of all those security blankets…..I have made a decision to make Isagenix my lifestyle….to embrace it fully. It fits into every aspect of my life…I’m still able to go to parties….to eat out with friends,..to entertain friends…. I’ve been asked “do you eat real food on that diet?”…………..Well first of all….it’s NOT a diet…it’s a lifestyle change. And yes I eat “real” food on it…whatever that means…I always chuckle at this because Isagenix is about as real as it gets…. This is the crème de la crème of nutrition……You can’t get this kind of organic, nutrient rich food anywhere else….

So I leave you all with this……. What is the person in the grocery store behind you thinking when they look at you? Are you glowing? If not it’s your time to shed that outer shell and fly my little butterflies………spread those fucking wings with me and let’s soar!

WAITING IN LINE AT THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER (The loop de loops of self loathing)

      Self loathing is by far one of the worst traits a person can possess.  I say this from firsthand experience.  I say this because from the time I was little until just recently this was my life.  I was always the bright, happy, Susie sunshine person from the outside, big smile, shoulder to cry on friend, pick you up when you are feeling down, make you laugh til you wanted to pee (or so I’ve been told) etc. etc….. But inside I was always falling apart… I hid it well….or so I thought.  Clearly by me saying I hid it well is a tad false…..this is where the anxiety meds came in, the anti-depressants, the emotional breakdowns and panic attacks …… I guess really I just masked it all.  My life inside my own mind was exactly what I titled this post…an emotional roller coaster.  And this NAKED chic wanted to get OFF!!!!  One minute I would be happy, the next I could be in a pile of tears sitting in the bathroom because I just hated how I looked and felt about myself.

      I don’t know exactly where this all started….I have my ideas…when I was younger I was compared by people a lot to my beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed sister.  She was always slim, with long straight hair….and when people would see us together it was almost like instant comparison…some would even say “she’s blonde and blue eyed, where did YOU come from?”  Like that was really an odd question since my father and I have the same coloring (Asses).   I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn’t that guys didn’t find me attractive but I myself, never ever saw what they saw.  I always compared myself to my older sister.  She was like this goddess I would look up to….We would fight like cats and dogs when we were younger, like sisters that are 2 years apart often do.  I would steal her clothes so I could feel like her when I was at school and then before she got home I would hang them back up in her closet so she wouldn’t know….She always found out….. My lying and sleuthing skills are for lack of a better word, non-existent.  She would ask me if I wore something and I just didn’t know how to lie….(that or she could smell the perfume I wore on the clothes I’m not too sure)……not only do I hate liars, I just cannot do it…I SUCK at it!  Anyway I think from grade school that is where it stemmed from…when she started to come into her own and I was always kinda in her shadow.  It’s funny because even to this day I still look up to her and envy her.   I don’t blame anyone for that, as it is in the past, but if I had to pinpoint a time in my life where this all began I would say it was probably around grade school.

       You know when you watch those talk shows about those beautiful women who would think nothing about them is attractive, and they simply just saw flaws when they looked in the mirror?  Well that was me….I mean to an extent….I never spent money on plastic surgery to change my appearance or anything, but I will admit I always wished I had the money to alter what parts of me I didn’t like.  That would have taken a boat load of money.  I’m also a Libra and we are very vain, so maybe my damn astrological sign has made it harder for me to accept who I am on the outside …who writes that shit because my sign is me to a freakin T  and that is scary! ..I guess in a way I am vain because I spent years upon years judging myself on my appearance.  The funny thing is I never judge anyone else on their appearance…..just myself.  I know we are our own worst critics….I’m the Roger Ebert of the Tracey show.  He’s got nothing on me with his thumbs up and thumbs down shit….I am the queen at judging and critiquing myself.   In my past I could have easily pointed out 10 things wrong with me physically before I said one nice thing about myself.  What the fuck????????  That’s certainly no way to live! Yet it’s exactly how I lived.  My husband would pay me a compliment and here’s what would go on in my head…”he’s only saying that because he’s my husband and he has to”……….UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

    It’s been about 12 weeks now, since I started changing my life.  Not only have I changed my outward appearance by using the Isagenix system (which I will be forever grateful for, and a lifetime user of as they have saved my life, literally and figuratively) but every day when I look in the mirror now I see something about myself that I like and I make a point to say something positive.  That emotional rollercoaster that I used to ride each and every day is almost nonexistent anymore.  I’m a better mom too.  My stress level is so much lower than it used to be (thank you Ionix Supreme…my Isagenix buddies will know what I am talking about with that!)  I had so much self hate inside of me I would fly off the handle much easier before, I would stress about everyday life occurrences….all in all I wasn’t a very happy person on the inside, regardless of what I showed my friends and family on the outside… It was almost like a dirty little secret.  It’s funny now, I find myself still waiting in line to get back on that emotional rollercoaster where I used to travel daily….however with the changes I’ve made, I don’t ever see that happening again.  I have the tools now to make sure that never ever happens again…

 I ask every one of my friends to be a bit cheesy today and give yourself a pat on the back or even a nice long hug, hey if you want to make out with yourself in the mirror that’s your prerogative, I won’t judge….but it’s time we all start liking ourselves a little more…… and if you know someone who may be stuck on those fucking loop de loops of emotions, how about stopping that rollercoaster and taking their hand and helping them out.  People need to see how awesome they really are and the beauty that not only lies on the outside but within. (Damn! I could be a Hallmark card writer!...I’m in the wrong business!)  It took me years and years to come to this realization that I really am beautiful….. even if I am no super model, even if I may never be a size 4……(I’ll settle for a size 6…… snicker, snicker…in all honesty with the plan I’m on it’s absolutely a realistic goal and I’m excited to get there!) I am worth putting in the time and energy to love myself….do I think it’s true what they say…”you can’t love someone until you love yourself”?  I more or less think that quote should say “you can’t accept someone else’s love until you love yourself”..that sounds more like it fits my journey…..…….. Start loving yourselves people…. Or you just may find me on your doorstep with open arms ready to hug the shit out of you, just to give you some love that you deserve!   I’m a really good house guest though, you may not want me to leave…I can make you laugh, I am a kick ass cook, and I like doing dishes…….. But in all seriousness, let’s start loving everything about ourselves…from the outside in….I promise you your whole outlook on life will change for the better!

My new bucket list includes becoming a motivational speaker………..but I guess I better brush up on my verbiage,…I don’t think the word “fuck” is very acceptable at public events.  Have a happy weekend readers!  And remember, go give yourself a pat on the back or a juicy wet mirror kiss!!!!!!!!

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PI

A BIG OL' FAT THANK YOU TO ALL MY SUPPORTERS OUT THERE! IF I COULD KISS YA ALL I WOULD! (HOWEVER, THIS FEVER BLISTER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S PRETTY MUCH GONE, GENERALLY MAKES EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS!)

The hubs and I went to AC to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.........here's a little sneak peek into how our trip went on our isagenix plan............. (OMG!!! dude! get your minds out of the gutter people...what did you think i meant when i said sneak peak!???)

I am looking forward to two cleanse days in a row tomorrow and Thursday ....even though I did really well on our trip to AC, I did indulge a little and had a few bites of dessert each night ...... plus the effing casino's were filled with cigarette smoke!!!! blech!!!! need to cleanse me some cells!!! ... we had a really great time....and did our shakes and bars for breakfast and lunch and only ate the regular dinners each night...I made really healthy choices each night ( because I didn't desire the normal fatty foods) ....I will say....even though we ordered a dessert each night to split, the old me would have been rejoicing inside when Chief would only want a bit or two....THIS time it was me too who only wanted a few bites....the stuff just tastes soooo sugary to me anymore...I don't enjoy it like I used to and always feel icky afterwards...I even got the shakes from the sugar!!! ewwww.........i know that is my body telling me it's something that is not good for me..... Chief and i are always talking about how amazing we feel..... ( and ladies...let me tell you.......I have always adored m y husband,...always loved every bit of him....but my oh my oh MY MY MY..........he has dropped over 30 lbs and I feel like a damn teenager all over again! He makes me swoon he's so damn handsome!!!!) and how we will never go back to our old lifestyle because we have found something that works and makes us feel amazing.......... There is no way in hell I would ever go back to how i used to feel when I know now what it really is supposed to feel like to be "alive"..... I feel I've been given a second chance here...... Isagenix is some sort of gift..........I swear it is........it has become the answer to all my problems....it feels so good to finally be taking care of me for once...and knowing my husband and son are getting the same amazing food as well? It's a no brainer!!!! Being able to teach my son what is good and bad for him and how to make the right choices when it comes to his food at such a young age...the kid won't have to go through feeling like shit like Chief and I had for so many years....

As I said on my regular facebook post.....there are the people out there (some are even family members...YES!!!!! I know...) who tease me about this journey or GASP! have blocked me from their facebook walls.....and how much I have committed to it....all the research I have taken upon myself to read and learn about the crap we have been pretty much poisoning ourselves with over the years....because we have been fooled.... because we aren't being told what's really in our food...even those regular fruits and veggies you are buying that you think are healthy....do some research..............

My question though is this...why would you make fun of someone who is taking their health into their own hands and finally making good choices? That's beyond me. Everyone should step up and think about it....you really are what you eat.....I really don't give a turd if you don't like what I am doing or if you don't like what I am saying.....or if you think it is some sort of "fad"...because it absolutely is not...there's noting "fad" about eating super food organic nutrition and remaking your entire body over in a healthy way. For the people who think Isagenix is a fad, or a diet or whatever..........do the research....it's nothing like what you "think" it is........That is the "dark side" to this journey...the nay sayers.....the debbie downers...the people who were there for you when you were all about eating shitty and feeling shitty about yourselves together...bitching and moaning about how crappy you felt as you shoved another bon bon down your throat (totally been there, done that!!!!!!) ....who now haven't changed their lives and how they are living....don't want to be there to celebrate the positive changes I have made...I guess for those people I just have to suck it up and realize that is their own issues they are dealing with.....

Now, for my supporters.............. Here's where that juicy wet kiss comes in...........(once the fever blister is completely gone I mean)... I will be forever eternally grateful to my best friend Jacqueline Cocozza who introduced me to this........you will never know my gratitude...yet I will continue to remind you, text you, shout it out to you when i see you, lift you up and hug you....(even kiss you when my lip herp is gone) ..and to the rest of my team NAKED peeps and the Isagenix friends I have met along my journey...I don't know any of you face to face.... and yet you have welcomed me with open arms and endless encouragement...you root for me and cheer me on along the way.....You send me messages, you text me....you make me want to try harder and push harder and work harder towards my goal. I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!! ♥ If I could tag every one of you in this post I would..but it won't let me......Silly facebook page..... but anyway........I really can't say thank you enough.....You have made the dark side of the moon pie sooooo much sunnier on the opposite side!!!!

THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL (dedicated to my son and how he saved my life)

        I have thought so many times about sharing this part of my life with more than the people closest to me. It is the hardest part to share. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy……. But I feel it signifies another moment in my life that has led me to where I am today……… It is not an easy read…so I’m giving everyone fair warning….. As I sit and write it, I still cry over the memory, as I do quite often.

         Just like so many of you, I have dealt with shit in my life. We have been through a lifetime worth of crap in the 13 years we’ve been together. The absolute worst was losing our daughter. I replay that day in my head all the time……..it’s been almost 7 years and not a day goes by that I don’t replay parts, if not all of that day in my head. I was on the cusp of my 6th month of pregnancy and I went into labor and it couldn’t be stopped because my water broke. The tried to save her but her lungs weren’t developed yet. I had to stay in that hospital and give birth to her knowing she wouldn’t be coming out alive. Knowing that usually when people find these times to be super happy, this for us was just the absolute opposite. I remember being so hysterical and the nurse coming in shooting my IV up with some drugs to calm me down…….I became numb ……I couldn’t grasp what was really happening….. When it was time to push I remember the room going perfectly silent and turning the most beautiful shades of this white light. I kept saying to my husband’s cousin to shut the blinds because the light was blinding me…. But she said they were already closed. I remember her being born….the room lighting up beautifully…..complete silence…(there were about 8 people in the room all talking between my family and doctors and nurses, yet there was not one noise for about 15 seconds as she was being delivered…..then all the commotion started again as she was whisked away to be cleaned off. This moment will never leave my mind……the beautiful light…the silence….( about a week later I brought this up to my mother, my sister and my husband’s aunt and cousin who were all in the room during her birth and asked them if they recall anything weird...just to see what they would say ( I thought it was the drugs they gave me)…..HOLY SHIT they all experienced the same thing!!!! It still gives me chills to think about it……. She was perfect like a little doll…we named her Ashleigh Joy…she even had little eyelashes…( I remember thinking, why God? Why did you give her eyelashes before lungs????!!!!!! And how I will still never understand how that all works)..we held her still little body and cried and said our goodbyes. It was the absolute worst day of my life. I don’t think I came out of shock for probably 6 months from that. I spent weeks into months coming home from work and going right to my bed to cry into my pillow…..I walked around in what I would call “fish bowl” syndrome. Where everything is going on around you but you feel like you are stuck in this glass ball, just meandering, to get through each day. All I wanted to know was why? Why us? They say things happen for a reason and in the moment we can’t see the trees through the woods….but there was a purpose to this significant event in our lives. At that time I had no clue what it was. I knew there is nothing that could have changed what happened as well but of course I spent forever blaming myself and anything else I could think of so I could put the blame somewhere…I had to put it somewhere or I would have gone crazy….after all…. How does shit like this happen? Who decides to take life away? Before it’s even really begun? Who decided to cheat Chief and I from being parents and leaving us to grieve in what seemed like the loneliest place one could ever ever be? Who the fuck makes these decisions???!!!!!
As it turned out what I have is a genetic disorder that affects me when I’m pregnant. The blessing that came along with losing Ashleigh is that I was able to find out what was wrong and my sister was able to carry her 2nd pregnancy to full term because of it. (Little did we know when her son was born at 10 weeks premature2 years prior to me losing my daughter, my sister also carries part of this genetic disorder). So losing Ashleigh was not totally in vain. Because we lost her, I now have my two other nephews as well and I have the most beautiful son on the planet. That’s right my faithful readers, I’m talking about Igor. (This isn’t his real name….if you have been following along since the beginning you know I like to make up names for the people in my life!) Anyway back to why I’m writing this particular blog and why I am dedicating it to my favorite little 4 year old……. I know I will never have my daughter back but she is forever on my mind. She comes to me in dreams and leaves my husband, Igor and myself feathers in our path when we least expect them…… I often spend my idle time wondering what would she have been like? I still cry, even 7 years later when I think about her and who she’d be today…… Who would she have looked like? Would she have my eyes, or Chief’s?
         Here’s the part that relates to all the life changes I have been making since the end of January of this year. Forever I blamed myself and buried my sorrow in food and depression. Food- always my comfort in the moment and yet my worst enemy all wrapped up in one. Even though the more I ate, the heavier I got, the more depressed I became. It was just one more hatch I could put on my board of things I couldn’t control in my life. I had absolutely no control over my desire to eat and appetite and ate more than I needed and always felt like crap afterwards….literally and figuratively. The birth of my son was the BEST day of my…or shall I say of OUR lives. After having lost so much…and then finally having him, it was like the world started new again. It took me about 4 years of having him to really put into perspective that I have one shot at this life…..one shot to live it and be healthy and raise a healthy happy child. One day a light switched on in January after talking to my best friend Jacqui and I said to myself I will no longer live the way I’ve been living. I don’t want to be tired anymore..I don’t want to be sluggish…I want to be able to play with my son and not get tired. I don’t want to keep carrying around these extra 100 lbs. I can’t function this way……I’m not living I was surviving….getting out of bed every day was just a chore…I was fucking miserable. I like to refer to the old me as a slug. Both chief and I actually….we were very inactive and ate crappy…. To this day after making the best decision ever with Isagenix….we are both on our way to health. We have both lost over 30 lbs and feel the best we ever have in all our lives. There isn’t one single regret I have about my decision to start this program. It is the best lifestyle change we could have made for ourselves. I even got through Easter with no desire to eat any of the normal crap and candy I would have in the past. I had a completely guilt free day. It was awesome. Every other year I would consider it a “cheat” day and would gorge myself til I felt ill. I didn’t even crave the foods rich foods that were all over the buffet table.….not even anything from Igor’s basket. I literally was happy and completely content eating my veggies and hummus for appetizer and for dinner I ate a piece of veggie lasagna and a big salad and could hardly finish it. I had a small plate of dessert…fresh fruit and a small piece of chocolate cake…. Felt awesome not feeling like shit when I woke up this morning too from overeating yesterday………SINCE I DIDN’T OVEREAT!
        So back to my son…. having my son not only completed our lives ………..he has saved my life. I look at him and know that he’s the reason I’m still here…he’s the reason I’m making such huge changes….My old lifestyle was a recipe for complete disaster……So I plan on sticking around to bug his ass when he’s older… He can push me around Target in my wheelchair just like I pushed his butt around in the carts for so long!