The Great Girdle Hurdle

         So there have been times in my life (quite a few actually) where I had to dress up for an occasion….Be it a wedding, a party, a shower, even a funeral.   Pretty much all of these occasions called for being somewhat dressy…..and even to the point where GASP! I wore a dress!  Those who know me and those who have read past blogs know that I do NOT like wearing dresses….. and not because I’m tom boyish in any way, I just don’t feel comfortable in them.  I don’t like my legs, I feel like I look like I have a potato sack on.  So on this one occasion……….I was at a dinner party.  To be more specific it was my work dinner party just this past December.  Now for some of you plus sized women like myself we like to tuck in the extra stuff we have to smooth out our appearance.  ( I did not want to look like a Shar Pei at my work dinner with wrinkled fat rolls hanging over bra straps under my dress etc.)   I don’t think I’m alone on this or the girdle industry wouldn’t be as big (no pun intended) as it is.  So knowing I was braving a dress this year, and not wanting to feel like a Vienna sausage stuffed in those mini tin cans they come in, I decided now is the time to spend a little money on a good girdle!

       I didn’t love the idea of wearing one because I figured they had to be clingy in order to work and I would just sweat more than I already do. But alas I wasn’t about to show up in a dress without SOMETHING helping me out.  So off I went to the store.  I knew what I had in mind so I went with a goal of getting in and getting out, not making eye contact, just full steam ahead to the granny panty section, make my selection and leave without making casual conversation with the cute 20 year old boy behind the register.  (One time I went to buy underwear and I was buying the high waist, beige, don’t be caught dead in front of your husband, that time of the month, kind…… and low and behold who checked me out? Some hottie with sparkling blue eyes and a killer smile. MOR-TI-FY-ING (That’s another story, equally as embarrassing, but for another time).  So back to my in and out get the girdle and be gone…… So unbeknownst to me, there are A LOT of different types of fat tucking, gut sucking girdles out there!  There are the leg and waist ones only, the ones that are like a skirt that go from the mid thigh to your rib cage.  The kind that go way way way up to your boobies and to your knees (or in my case just way up to your boobies, cuz they aren’t that “way way” up there anymore  after being pregnant and breastfeeding).  And then there’s the Mecca of all girdles……….the full body suit girdle………….Here was my answer…..  suck it ALL in all at one time- don’t have to worry about the thigh’s rubbing together OR the stomach bulging out OR the back fat showing through!!  Anyway, so I’m scouring the selections and now I’m getting super confused………..What SIZE am I?  Do I get just the extra large or do I go for the 1X because I don’t want to NOT be able to breathe????  Oh shit! More choices!  I’m not good with choices…….. So since I didn’t feel like even attempting to try that sucker on ( do people even do that with girdles? Try them on in a store??)  I grabbed that lovely nude shade of material and waltzed my ass up to the counter…paid and left.

         When I got home I was a wee bit nervous about trying this thing on.  I mean I’ve worn spanx before but just the ones that help tuck the tummy part.  This was a WHOLE different animal!  I laid it on the bed…it was fleshy and shiny looking…..very soft…. And I thought this is gonna feel pretty nice, what can possibly go wrong!  I tried it on, it fit fine…I stuffed it in the drawer so Chief wouldn’t see it when he got home.  That’s the last thing I wanted him to see me in.  Bad enough him having to see the bright pink bra’s with the extra extenders on the backs in ugly beige colors.  This was entirely too much to share with the man I’ve been with for 13 years.  NO way NO how was I even going let him know I was gonna wear that thing under my dress to make myself look better. 

         So the night of the party came,….I got dressed,…I was feeling decent.  The girdle was doing it’s job.  I had my underwear, then the panty hose, then the girdle, then a nice black wrap dress….it was cold as hell out, so I was grateful for the layers.  That was until half way through the evening when I had to pee.  Not thinking anything of it I go into the stall and go to pull down my pantyhose and underwear and realize my fucking girdle goes all the way up my back, over my chest, has arm holes and arm straps…………..and no crotch…………….not even a peeper hole to pull to the side to pee out of!!!!!!! Oh my God, Oh my God!  You have got to be kidding me???????  Who the fuck designed this piece of shit???? So guess what I had to do JUST so I could pee?  I had to get UNDRESSED!!!!!! In the stall……..that’s right! Everything had to come off just so I could pee!  Why oh why did I drink that second glass of wine?????? Oh and the 3 glasses of water……….. All the while a bunch of my co workers were in and out of the bathroom…probably wondering “what is taking her so long…..did she eat the crab cakes and they didn’t agree with her?”  No, no….I just bought the universe’s  worst girdle ever made and now I’m naked in the stall except for my bra and my jewelry just so I can take a piss…that’s all ladies….don’t mind the asshole in the bathroom for ten minutes, carry on…..carry on………go back out to the party and don’t mind me!  I’ll just be another 10 minutes getting RE-dressed for a party I already came dressed to! 

                So needless to say……..the moral of tonight’s story is this………… girdles suck ass……..(literally and figuratively) and I cannot wait til the day comes when I am at my goal weight and no longer have to worry about wearing one!  Oh and also…if you are gonna buy a girdle sure as shit make sure there’s a pee hole in that puppy!!!!!

Food Fright!!!!!

FOOD FRIGHT!!!

       Yes that’s right, you didn't read that wrong.  I said FRIGHT, not fight.  You got excited for a minute there, got a feeling you could relive those high school days in the cafeteria slinging “just add water” mashed potatoes at your friends, didn't you?  Sorry that’s just not this type of blog today.  Today’s blog is brought to you by the words “what” and “the fuck”……….. Meaning, what the fuck have we been putting in our mouths for all these years????  The last entry I mentioned about watching documentaries such as “Food, Inc.”, “The Future of Food” and one that my friend recommended “Food Matters”.  You can remain ignorant and turn your head like I had for so many years as to what is going on out there in our country with food, or you can open your eyes and do some research.  I can guarantee you won’t look at food the same way.  Or ignore it and keep turning an ignorant eye to it…totally up to you.  I chose the first option and super glad I did.

        Some of you may be thinking “who does this chick think she is?  When did she all of a sudden become the health nut?”  Let me enlighten you…I am someone who went from putting complete crap in my family’s and my own mouths every day, to someone who woke up and decided to make a change….and a HUGE change at that.  I’m not just talking about the Bon Bon’s and Twinkies we as a society have eaten over the years, (total culprit of that, times like a billion).  I am referring to things like our fruits, vegetables, meats, and grains.  Even the stuff you THINK is good for you these days???  Take another look… do some reading…watch a few YouTube videos here and there…...This is some scary shit.  I, being the normal consumer for the last 34 years, never even thought about it…that is until I started putting the RIGHT stuff in my body.  I went from someone who had terrible stomach issues all the time, a migraine countless days of the month, acid reflux up the WAZOO and zero energy (even when I was thin), the girl who could take a nap 30 minutes after I woke.  I never even got good nights sleep…most times I would take a Benadryl or even Nyquil to just sleep through the night……. My body was literally rotting from the inside out.  (Imagine that nasty ass visual people, but in so many ways it was true!  And if you are eating that same food off the shelves of a regular grocery store, yours are too)  I would take medication after medication for years.  Doctor after doctor trying to figure out the constant stomach troubles and the migraines……their answer?  MEDICATION…………lots and lots and LOTS of mediation.   Over the years if I added up all the freaking meds I was putting in my body, and you could look through my skin at my insides (ok that is so disturbing sounding, right? But just follow my lead here, try to get a visual)  I’d look like one of those big ass gumball machine’s you see….All sizes, all colors, all CRAP! None of it worked and most of it made things worse!  And the most terrible part of it is that sometimes the side effects were worse than the initial issue….So what is that telling us???  How is something that is supposed to help me, making things worse for me?  Medicine wasn't curing any of my problems, it maybe, and I use that word sooo loosely, it would MAYBE help in the “moment” but never ever in the long run to rid me of my many ailments.  As of January 31^st 2013, I have not had to put one pill in my mouth to get rid of any kind of issue.  What happened on January 31^st? I started the Isagenix program and it literally has changed my life.  Not just the thirty pounds I've lost so far but how I feel.  It is amazing how when you are eating the pure organic nutrition your body responds to it.  This is some exciting shit!  And the amazing part behind it is it is SO simple…it’s like DUH!         That food I was putting in my body before was poisoning me, literally.  It was poisoning my family too.   It was causing a plethora of health issues.  I finally stood up and took charge and was like “uh uh, no more!”  (There was totally a hair flip and two snaps in a circle when I said that…..and even a little head roll as I just typed it).  I felt what it was like to finally put the right stuff in, and in turn get the right stuff out.  By that I mean all this amazing real energy.  And sleep, oh my God the sleep is literally dreamy!!!!!  (That and Chief is also sleeping through the night, no more tossing and turning or snoring!!!! I don’t want to kill him anymore!!! Yay!! This is actually a win, win for both of us as you can imagine.) 

           So back to that part about all this energy.  As I told my friends I’ve met along this journey,  the other night my ass was on the treadmill (working out is totally optional, you don’t have to for Isagenix to work) but I had (and always have) so much energy I was literally dancing to the music on Pandora as I was jogging.  (I’m multi talented……….don’t be jealous.)  The first song that popped on to my iPhone was” Eye of the Tiger”…( I was totally Rocky Balboa-ing that shit, jogging and boxing the air, thankful that Chief was at a meeting so he couldn’t see me looking like a complete dufus, looking more like I was having a seizure than getting a work out, but who cares right? NOT ME!!!! ) That feeling that I am accomplishing something awesome totally got me even MORE pumped to go that extra mile.  Literally instead of my normal 3 mile’s I did four instead.   

     I impress myself every day with how far I’ve come in so little time.   My journey continues every day and not just the pounds that have come off, I mean more like the habits that have changed, and with little effort at all.  That is why this product is so amazing..There’s nothing else out there like it.  To be able to have this organic nutrition, eat it for free, AND make extra money to use however I want????? My food “fright” is not so frightening after all anymore!

STRAP ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND LET’S DO THIS! (Dedicated to Danielle, wink wink)

     If there was a catchy way to say this for men AND women I would have titled it that way but since men don’t wear panties (well some do, but that’s neither here nor there),  I had to change my verbiage to sound catchy.  OK, so here’s the damn deal people…if you want results you can’t half ass shit.  Seriously if you want to make a change it’s all or nothing.  Sure one little step at a time works too……but you are dragging that crap out.  Get serious and get in the damn game.  It’s time for a reality check.  I had my reality check in the beginning of January when I started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital.  I was terrified and the entire time in my head I knew a lot of what I was experiencing was because I was about 100 plus pounds overweight and leading an unhealthy life style.  Compound that shit with stress?  You are looking at a whole melting pot that could have potentially turned into one huge ass disaster.  I should be clearer on this…before all this stuff happened in January I already knew Chief and I were prime candidates for possibly heart disease, diabetes and God knows what else!  I knew the way Chief and I were living was risky.  We would eat crappy food more than not, and do take out 2-3 times a week. What the fuck was I teaching my 4 year old Igor???? ( For new readers who haven't read past entries, Igor is my "stage" name for my son).  I knew something needed to either change or one or both of us were going to end up with some major medical issue at a young age.   Thank God my friend Jacqui (love that girl more than anything) convinced me to try the Isagenix.
       I feel the need to explain a little more of what is going on with this program and how and why it works. Partly because being educated on it is important and partly because I’m tired of some of my friends looking at me like I have 3 heads when I talk about it. Of the three different plans they have, Healthy Aging, Athletic Performance and Weight Loss, clearly the weight loss package was the one for the hubster and me.  Since Chief also needed to lose weight we started it together.  We follow the plan as close as possible and have seen amazing, amazing results and feel wonderful on top of it.  Not everyone who starts this has a ton of weight to lose. I think that is where there is some confusion.  The idea behind it is to give yourself pure good 100% organic nutrition as opposed to what you were putting in your body before.  It’s a cellular cleanse people…and half-assing it or getting down on yourself  if you didn’t drop 10 pounds the first week is just silliness.  Rome wasn’t built in a damn day! You have to get the old crap out and the good stuff in to see results.  Also if you don’t have a significant amount to lose like we do, of course it isn’t going to fall off at lightning speed.  That is where I need to explain more… This program is about making you feel better…getting pure nutrition in you -the weight loss is a side effect of that.  As your cells are being cleaned, the visceral fat is no longer needed to protect your organs from the everyday toxins we have been putting in our bodies, therefore it releases that fat off of our bodies.  Sure you can go on eating the same old regular foods you did, even if it’s fruits, veggies, lean meats and low fat stuff, but the problem here is that it still holds tons of toxins, chemicals, anti-biotics, etc if it isn’t organic.  So let’s put it this way….if you don’t do the cleaning, you are going to eventually rebound and gain all that weight you lost back because your body is still toxic. And if you are like I was in the past, you will gain an extra 20 lbs on TOP of the that. (Trust me when I tell you this, I used to be the world’s biggest Yo-yo dieter because I never changed WHAT I ate.  I just changed the portions of it)……. I NEVER, EVER in a million years would have believed that this was legit until I put it into action.   I have also been doing some major research as to WHY it works because that is really important to me...if I’m going to do something I want to know why it is working, I want to know what I was doing wrong before to always get the same shitty ass results-losing and gaining, losing and gaining…rinse and fucking repeat…Never really feeling energized and still always feeling tired and as I like to put it…like a slug.
      I have watched and read some really informative stuff on all the toxins in our food and meat these days..It is some SCARY, CRAZY SHIT.  I will be honest I used to be one of those people who would make fun of people who ate all organic. ( Like seriously make fun of them….for real)   It’s called ignorance and I was a huge culprit of it.  Complete ignorance….I turned a blind eye to it because like they say “ignorance is bliss”.  Bliss? Really?  No ignorance is a fatty on the couch feeling like crap, eating Cheeto’s and brownies. When I started the Isagenix and immediately felt the difference..that is when I began to read up on the how’s and why’s.  I wanted and NEEDED to be informed.   Do yourselves a favor, whether you are a  man or woman,  read the book “Skinny Bitch” (Thank you Rosie for buying me that…it’s amazing) and watch these documentaries…”Food, Inc.” and “The Future of Food”.  You will never look at what you have been putting in your mouth the same again.  These are JUST a few……. But they will scare the crap out of you.  There is tons more…but these are some really good ones.

       I don’t want the already slimmer people thinking they are gonna go from 140 lbs in a month down to 110 just because Chief and I lost so much our first 30 days.  We are BIG people…we will have bigger, faster weight loss results then say a size 8 person.    So here comes the part about strapping on your big girl panties and doing it. (Usually, yes we take off our panties to “do it” but in this case we are putting them on! Get your freak minds out of the gutter people! Sheesh!)  Get your butt off the couch and get moving.  Sure the pounds of fat have been shedding off of the hubster and me, but we work at it too.  We decided to get our fat asses out of the lazy boy’s and start moving….. I can’t stress enough how working out makes you feel EVEN BETTER than just sitting there and letting the program do the work for you.  To the people out there who already work out you have half the success plan under your belt…now it’s a matter of getting the right nutrition in your body to clean your dirty, foul, shamefully toxic cells of all that nasty ass stuff.  (If my body were a classroom and my cells were the student’s their asses would have been in the principal’s office because they were so freaking bad!)
       Chief and I went from very inactive couch potatoes to movers and shakers.  We never had the energy before like we do now... I’ve never seen the Chief run……now he runs…..like for 40 minutes at a time.  Who is this sexy-ass hot man running on the treadmill in my house??????  Let me at him!  This man who used to house an entire pizza by himself before said to me the other day as he tied his running shoes “this is my favorite part of the day, getting on the treadmill”………….whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???  Who are you and what did you do with my husband?  At some point in time there has been and abduction of the old Chief and a new one set in his place. I mean don’t get me wrong I am LOVING this side of him…this side of us I should say….. We both work out now all the time, but nothing sexier than a man caring about how he looks and working hard to get to that point.  He strapped on his big girl panties, so to speak, on day one and has been putting every effort into becoming super healthy since….and has the weight loss to prove it.  People who haven’t seen him in awhile can’t believe what he looks like now.  I am so proud of the changes we have both made, but mostly for the changes he has made.  He is one stubborn ass man….I must admit I was so worried starting this, that he wouldn’t stick to it but holy shit Chief is a maniac! He never ceases to amaze me.  I am so happy to be on this journey with him.

      Let’s now talk about the new people on my team, who have joined up with us to embark on a better life for themselves.  I’m giving a shout out to Laura and Greg (you guys are ROCKING THIS SHIT)and getting amazing results, feeling super energized, dropping weight and are only about 2 weeks in and you are finding it so easy to follow.  Laura said to me she has not had any coffee since starting or diet soda (she was like me and drank that shit all day long to keep awake). Chantel started just a few days ago.  She has suffered for years going doctor to doctor feeling like hell, taking lots of different medications to no avail.  No one has been able to figure out what was wrong or help…on her first day in and she posted that she was able to get through her day without a struggle.  She did laundry, cleaned her house and played with her daughter.  These tasks were normally such a struggle for her.  She has also already quit smoking, feels fantastic and lost about 6 lbs.  My girl Lindsey, started 3 days ago and said to me today that she hasn’t been able to clean her apartment in so long because she’s felt like crap, and then today she felt so good from starting using the Isagenix that she cleaned her apartment!!! She also mentioned she hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in so long…..guess what people…her ass is sleeping soundly now!!!  HELLOOOOOOO can we say this is definitely something that works?!  It’s amazing when you put the right stuff in your body the stuff it can do! These results are just some testimonials from the people on my team.   I’m not here to shove the system down people’s throats. ….I’m here to tell you MY results so far and the results of the people I have shared the program with.   If you are interested in trying the plan, you know where to find me….. I’m so excited for my very good friend Eric to start his 30 day cleanse tomorrow.  I know he is going to feel amazing and it’s gonna benefit him beyond belief.
       So in closing, I know this was a very long entry.  I also know I needed to write it to explain about my journey, my husband’s journey and what YOUR journey can look like if you choose to take it.  Thank you to all my supporters out there...I'll catch up again soon....next time with a funny entry....for now I gotta go strap on those running shoes my friends, the treadmill is calling my name!

Victoria's Secret Ain't No Damn Secret At All

       Who IS this “Victoria” anyway?  Some skinny ass bitch no doubt….(Normally this would be a term of endearment for me…in this case she’s just a bitch).  Here’s her damn secret………She don’t carry SHIT in your size unless you’re the size “I weigh one”.   Do you want to know what the size “I weigh one “is?  It’s the size of my big toe.  If there was ever a place to make me feel even worse about myself it’s Victoria’s Secret.  The only time I get to shop in that store is when I go in for their buy 3 get 2 lotion deal thingy’s and the ONLY reason I think they started that shit is so plus sized women like me could at least walk in there and walk out with one of their cute little pink on pink striped bags.  ( I have to admit, I do feel a little pep in my step when I walk around carrying their bag at the mall)  Ok I’m exaggerating just slightly here…In the past I have bought stuff there.  Like the waaaay past….except I’ve bought a bra here and there in the last year or so.  The problem though is I always end up at the fabric store afterwards, getting those damn bra extenders!  You know those ugly ass 4 latchy thing-a-ma-hoodgies that you add to the clasp of the bra’s to make them fit fat backs? Yea story of my life for quite some time now.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is sexier or classier than a  $60.00 pink leopard push up bra with a white  or sometimes black, or maybe even beige (nothing sexy about beige people, I don’t care what you look like) bra extender attached to the back.  I’m sure Chief agrees with that 100%.  Kinda like when I haven’t shaved my legs for a few days and he says “I don’t mind” as he’s giving one of his stellar foot and calf massages….kinda like that….where I just know he’s lying through his  God damn teeth,  but just too sweet to admit it.  I would go as far to say it’s about as sexy as that chafage I sported that time after my 8 mile walk for March of Dimes. (My inner thighs just stung from retyping that shit)…  Ok well maybe not THAT bad.   I don’t think in the history of our 13 years together anything else has looked THAT bad.  Anyway, that is what I always end up needing when I buy a bra from good ol’ VS.  I DO love their overpriced stuff though. ( And why is it the less material there is, the more expensive that shit is? Who decided on that shit???)

                What I like even more is the large ass pictures of the perfectly air brushed skinny bitches plastered all over the store, sporting their boobsuptohere in each one.  I mean maybe call it jealousy, call it envy, sure as shit you’re right…I’m not gonna deny it….but those women are like a small 2% of the population right?  I don’t know about that percentage,  I could totally be pulling that number out of my ass…I like to make things up like that so I sound intelligent and like I know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t know me very well, there’s a good chance you believe me.  If you do, then let’s pretend that number is correct.  Anyway so 2% of the population looks like these VS models, maybe 1% even have glittery flowing angel wings attached, I’m sure as shit not positive on THAT statement but that would be totally kick ass if it were true.  Anyway, so I’m like the other 98% of the female race.  Ok well again, that is NOT true…I’m like one in a million really.  Those of you again, who know me, you’re truly blessed and very welcome.   Those of you who don’t,  get your asses in gear and drop me a line, add me as a friend, ask me anything you want.  As you can tell by my previous blogs about thigh chafage, swamp ass and bleeding nipples my life is an open book….Chief may think a little “too open”  but what does he know? 

             Ok back to the over the shoulder boulder holders.  Yea, I can’t really shop at VS and walk out a happy camper.  (Sometimes like I said previously,  I get to purchase 5 lotions and body sprays for the price of 3, but that really isn’t the same kind of “happy time”….that is more like just “ok time”.   My goal when I reach my target weight and body shape is NOT to become that 2%....it’s to still stay just the same person, just a lot slimmer, a little more kick ass ( if that is even a possibility), a lot more confident, maybe some boobies uptohere, and of course no more beige bra extenders!  I’m just on the cusp of losing 30 pounds in about 33 days. I still have a journey ahead of me but I am actually looking forward to each day as it goes by.  My life is changing for the better from Isagenix.  As my friend Laura and I say, by summer we are gonna be some skinny ass sexy bitches.  Look out Victoria, I see a shopping spree in the works!